Welcome to Struggle Session, a weekly post where I respond to a few listener/ reader comments and then toss up a letter that isn’t going to make it into the column and let my listeners/readers give a little sex and relationship advice. First up…
In regards to ASSUP, the reader who was wondering whether he could fuck some sense into a guy who was planning to vote for TRUMP, Zoftig the Magnificent had this to say…
I think there’s a big difference between not fucking people whom you disagree with when they’re over thirty and when they’re under thirty, especially if you think they are decent people otherwise. There is that transformative period where you’ve left home and are in the process of figuring out what kind of adult you’re going to be, where engaging with people who disagree with you is useful. If this person seems to authentically want to move through the world as a good person and that’s a value you share, then you have space to have a conversation about the nuances of what that means.
I didn’t make it clear in my part of the response to ASSUP (The Bulwark’s Tim Miller did most of the heavy lifting in that response), but that stage of life when sexual attraction, limerence, and oxytocin are at their most powerful — that stage of life when the three can come together and open someone’s eyes, mind, and ass — is typically over by the time someone turns thirty, just as Zoftig points out. But since it sounds like the hate chicken management trainee/newly out kinky top ASSUP is bottoming for is under 30, there’s a really good chance ASSUP could leave him in better shape than he found him.
Says Crasher…
My now husband was a gay Republican when I first met him at the end of 2006 and by 2008 he was a registered Democrat and voted for Obama. As we were dating, we were able to unpack what we actually believe in, outside of politics and how aligned we were and then I was able to gently point out how misaligned his beliefs actually were with the people who he was voting for. Because he was from the country and grew up in the church, he just had a completely warped understanding of what each party actually stood for.
This part of ASSUP’s question made it sound like there’s hope for the guy he’s seeing: “I feel like he’s someone who hasn’t seriously given a lot of thought to politics outside of his strong belief in free enterprise. This isn’t someone who thinks a lot about intersectionality or who has interrogated the way capitalism exploits. He wants to be a good boss.”
So, ASSUP, if you’re reading this, keeping bottoming the shit out of that kinky boy! And be sure and report back to us after November 5 and let us know how he voted!
Regarding my advice to RENT, the reader who was trying to figure out how to work her husband’s newly-disclosed kinks into their sex lives after nineteen years of marriage, Pentatonic had this to say…
Dan, I get your advice about sharing your kinks six months into the relationship — and ideally we have our kinks figured out by six months into the relationship — but realistically we may not realize our kinks until years into a relationship. I didn’t start realizing my kinks until about 30, and some of my kinks are things that squicked me out when I was 18-19.
Maybe better advice would be, “Don’t put off talking about your kinks. Ideally you’d have the conversation about your kinks at the six month point — or if it’s already past that point before you realize your kinks, share them as soon as you can rather than waiting. The conversation only gets harder the longer the relationship goes.”
Excellent point, Pentatonic, and a great suggested edit to my advice. I suspect, however, that Mr. RENT was aware of his kinks early on in their marriage — most men are consciously aware of their kinks in their teens — and failed to disclose them for usual reasons people hesitate to disclose their kinks, e.g., fear of rejection, kink shame, and the mistaken belief that his kinks didn’t need to be disclosed at all because at some point they would magically go away. But many women don’t “realize” they’re kinky (or become aware of their kinks) until much later in life, which means there needs to be space — a space free from recrimination — for sharing kinks years or even decades into a relationship. If you know, disclose! If you grow, disclose!
At the top of this week’s Lovecast, I urged gay men to do something — literally stage interventions — if their straight girlfriends showed signs of lusting after men like Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., i.e., a man no gay man had ever found attractive. High Estate challenged that assertion and posted a photo of a young RFKJr. that he knew (if he listened to this intro) would hit me right in the dirty feels…
I am not an RFK Jr. fan — nor do I have an older-guy thing — but: a bit unfair to say that no gay man would find him attractive? Vince Vaughn is an entirely fair example though…. If someone is into older dudes, I wouldn’t be certain no gay ever would.
In fairness to Vince Vaughn, on his worst day he’s a million times more attractive than RFKJr. on his best. (And Vaughn was absolutely hilarious in the final season of Curb Your Enthusiasm) But as Jonathan points out about RFKJr, the “after” picture on the right is not a recent pic. This is. (And for the record: I’m more repulsed by the blood on RFKJr.’s hands than I am by his beady eyes.) But I have to admit that — if I had a time machine — I would be tempted to give it up for young and long-haired RFKJr. Olivia Nuzzi, however, didn’t meet RFKJr. in 1974. She met him in 2024. She needed her gay friends — none of whom would touch RFKJr. now — to step in and save her and they let her down.
And, I’m sorry, but the fact that some gay probably out there would — as in, some gay men would do RFKJr. today — is not, all by itself, proof that RFKJr. is hot. Whatever you’re talking about, whoever you’re talking about, there’s always going to be at least one gay man out there who “would.” And it’s not because gay men are gay, but because gay men are men. And men are pigs.
Says Chris & Christie on Threads…
@dansavage you have always told the hard truths no one wanted to hear. Once again, we are in your debt!
The hard truth Chris & Christie jumped on Threads to praise me for sharing may surprise you.
Okay, Strugglers, here’s our weekly question submitted to Savage Love that isn’t going to make it into the column…
I’m (39F) dating a guy (34M) who is really wonderful. In his conservative home country, he was quite the casanova, didn’t want to marry, and managed instead to have a pretty *ahem* robust dating life. Here’s the issue. He shared with me that when he was 32, he slept with a girl who was 16 or 17 years old. He had been her teacher when she was in elementary school. When they met again at 16/17, she was already married and pursued him because she didnt like her husband (who was even older than him). He said he was only with her twice and then they broke it off.
I have no reason to doubt him because he openly shared this with me, and he clearly didn’t understand that by US standards, this is not ok. When I explained this to him (also noted that it was almost certainly illegal in the US) he instantly understood.
I’m struggling with this because it’s not ok due to her and his age at the time, plus the power dynamic difference. But by his culture’s standards, the only issue was she was a woman sleeping with a man who wasn’t her husband. I appreciate that cultural differences have some major implications here, and he seems to be very clear on how this would be regarded in the US. I’m just trying to sort my feelings out around this. Help?
Dating Is Flummoxing Feelings Somewhat
Have some thoughts for DIFFS? Got some cross-culturally-informed/cross-culturally sensitive words of wisdom? Drop them in the comments…