Welcome to Struggle Session, a weekly bonus column where I respond to comments from Savage Love readers, Savage Lovecast listeners, and the occasional online rando — and share a letter that isn’t going to make it into the column and let my readers give the advice!
First up, Tracy Shorn, aka “Chump Lady,” isn’t a fan my campaign to name what is (IMO) the most common form of non-monogamy: the tolyamorous relationship.
In “I Can’t Even…” news, we have a new euphemism for cheating: “Tolyamory.” At least it’s new to me. (Thanks Chump Nation for the many articles.) Dan Savage introduced the term in his Savage Lovecast. It’s a portmanteau of polyamory and tolerance. Which is a bit of Orwellian dipshittery, as polyamorous relationships are open and consensual, and cheating is not. But hey chumps, you were all in on it! And you’re cool, right?
It’s a banger of a column — I can’t do it justice with a quote or two — go here to read the whole thing.
A couple of quick thoughts…
Acknowledging the existence of relationships where one person is cheating and the other person decides to turn a blind eye — the most common from of non-monogamy IMO — doesn’t “send the message that being cheated on isn’t a big deal.” Naming a thing is not the same thing as advocating for a thing. I don’t think the people who named chlamydia — Stanislaus von Prowazek and Ludwig Halberstädter — wanted everyone to run out and get it.
Being cheated on is big deal. It can be very traumatic deal, as it was for Shorn, who was inspired to write a book after she divorced her cheating husband. (Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady’s Survival Guide.)
But not everyone who discovers they’re being cheated on feels the same way about it.
Most discussions about tolyamory revolve around people who feel trapped in marriages/relationships they can’t escape; some worry about the economic consequences of divorce, some are dependent on their spouses for non-financial reasons, some don’t feel safe confronting their cheating partner/spouse. But a certain percentage of people who know they’re being cheated on and choose to stay with their cheating partners/spouses — likely a significant percentage — don’t give a shit and/or feel relieved. It’s impossible to put a number to this group, as toly relationships haven’t been studied (yet!), but when you consider the huge numbers of married/partnered people who don’t wanna fuck their spouses/partners anymore (or never did) — we hear from their unhappy spouses/partners all the time — we can infer the existence of people who discover they’re being cheated on and feel nothing but relief.
Why would someone feel relieved to find out their partner is cheating? Because they don’t have to go through the motions anymore. Because they aren’t being pestered for sex anymore. Because what mattered very much to them at the start — sexual exclusivity — no longer matters to them as much or at all. And because now they’re free to get sex elsewhere themselves, if sex is something they still want (if not with their spouse/partner), without guilt.
But why wouldn’t someone who finds out the spouse/partner they don’t wanna fuck is cheating on them tell their spouse they know and don’t care — or they know and are legitimately happy for them — transforming the relationship from closed and dishonest to open and honest? The primary reason, I believe (needs study!), would be a desire to maintain the appearance of being a monogamous couple. A cheater who thinks they’re getting away with it is likelier to be discreet and vigilant… thereby preserving appearances… but the same partner, once he or she knows the cheating is known, may not be as discreet.
Anyway, I’m sure the kind of chumps I’m describing here — Shorn’s word, not mine! — are in the minority. But they exist. And while it’s true that polyamorous relationships are defined by honest communication and mutual consent, I never described tolyamory as a form of polyamory, which means I’m not in disagreement with Shorn on this point. Tolyamory is a form of non-monogamy — and it’s not an ethical form, which is why it doesn’t fall under the ENM umbrella. (Non-monogamy ≠ polyamory!) And tolyamory isn’t “don’t ask, don’t tell,” as Shorn describes/dismisses it in her headline, as DADT is an explicit agreement (“Do what you wanna do, I don’t wanna hear about it”), which means DADT falls under the ENM umbrella.
And, again, I’m not advocating for tolyamorous relationships! If someone discovers they’re being cheated on and they can’t tolerate it and leaving is an option, they should leave!
And, yes, I’ve already invited Chump Lady to come on the show!
So, Paradise wasn’t thrilled with my advice — or with part of my advice — for straight-identified men who are into dick but not dudes…
The casual way people talk about trans women being ideal options for men who are attracted to women (and dicks!!!!!) is hard to listen to. It’s a reflection of the widespread, normalized fetishization of trans women perpetuated by porn and media that’s often the only context in which much of society can or has thought about them. If you pursue a trans women because you want a “girl with a dick,” odds are good you’ll act creepy or make her uncomfortable.
And a trans woman’s dick typically doesn’t work like a man’s dick. And it’s a far better bet that it’s the source of a varying degree of emotional or physical discomfort than something she enjoys or desires. Also, Dan, whether or not she’s had bottom surgery is kind of irrelevant to her comfortability there: even if you have the rare privilege to pay for it, take months off work, navigate insurance and healthcare to find a good doctor, have a support system to give you extended care while you recover, etc., waitlists are measured in years, not days. it’s not like going to the barber.
This feels like one of those “Heads, you’re transphobic! Tails, you’re transphobic!” games a guy can’t win.
Because… if I didn’t mention trans women who haven’t had bottom surgery as a potential dating/mating options for straight-identified men who are into dicks but not dudes (IDBND)… someone surely would’ve jumped into the comment thread to accuse me of erasing trans women in my response. But including trans women who haven’t had bottom surgery in my response… and not erasing those trans women… I’m complicit in the fetishization of trans women as perpetuated by porn.
Paradise’s critique assumes that all trans women want bottom surgery. That’s not true. (Not all trans men want bottom surgery either.) Now, the fact that a trans woman hasn’t had bottom surgery isn’t proof that a trans woman is comfortable using the genitals she was born with and/or being with someone who is into the genitals she was born with. But trans women have sexual agency, which means trans women free to reject men — straight or otherwise — who creep them out for whatever reason. And if a particular guy is honest about his interest in dick and that makes a particular trans woman uncomfortable and/or makes her feel sad about the surgery she wants and hasn’t been able to access due to the barriers Paradise describes, she obviously won’t enjoy hooking up with that guy and therefore shouldn’t hook up with that guy. And if she finds herself in bed with a guy who hid the ball — that is, with a guy who wasn’t honest about being IDBND — she should show him the door. (The days when a trans woman had to settle for any guy who would have her are long over! Trans women shouldn’t go into hookups/dating/mating with an outdated scarcity mindset, but with an up-to-date and empowering abundance mindset.)
All that said, there are trans women out there who love having dicks and enjoy hooking up with people — men and women, cis and trans — who are into their dicks. (I’ve met some!) As a trans friend once told me about her experiences with straight men: “Not all creeps are chasers, not all chasers are creeps.”
And – honest question — who makes a better sex partner (casual or otherwise) for the kind of trans woman who hasn’t had bottom surgery and doesn’t want bottom surgery: A guy who’s into her and her dick? Or a guy who’s into her despite her dick?
A letter — via email — from someone who agrees with me about something…
I’m way late with this, Dan, but I’ve been binging your show lately, which has this bizarre effect of making me feel like you’re my best friend in the world! Thank you for that! I also wanted to say… you’re not alone on the massage thing! I am a veteran sex worker (20 years now) and lots of my friends LOVE getting massages and insist I should too… I, however, feel that if I’m getting naked in front of a stranger, I’m getting PAID for it! If I’m not getting paid, then, yeah, I gotta be able to at least imagine a relationship-type emotional connection with anyone I’m stripping down for. Thanks for the show!
You’re welcome, M., and don’t worry about being late with this comment — as far as I’m concerned, it’s never too late to tell me you agreed with something I said on the show!
M.W., also via email, directs our attention to the straight bullies in porn…
In response to Episode 939, the caller asking about the “fuck my bully” phenomenon: adding on to your answer about it showing up in gay porn, it also shows up in cuckold/hotwife porn! Apparently our high school bullies are really making out (pun intended) like bandits in our sexy brains!
A reader wrote in to ask me what I thought about Olivia Newton John’s song — from 1985 (!!!) — about tolyamory, triads, PUDs, and throuples…
My honest answer: I hadn’t heard of this song until you wrote me about it. Olivia was way ahead of her time when she sang…
You gotta know, I didn’t plan it, it was the last thing on my mindHow can you love two people at the same time? Ooh oohNow I don’t wanna lose you, but I can’t give him upI know it’s unconventional, radical but practicalWhy can’t the three of us live together?It’s a culture shock, but it’s the only hope we’ve got(So) tell me, why can’t the three of us live together?
I am a cis male who has been married to a bisexual woman for 20 years. At the very beginning we discussed the possibility of hooking up with other individuals and groups and we have, very occasionally throughout the years, done just that. But I have a problem that is gnawing at me.
I’m very much on the autism spectrum, which can make human connection difficult to say the least. The real problem is that when I was in my early twenties practicing to become a classical pianist, I caught a virus which permanently paralyzed my right arm from the shoulder down. After recovering from this shock, I went back to study piano just playing music for the left hand. At school, I met a girl and fell madly in love with and we became inseparable. But one day she told me she couldn’t can’t get past my paralyzed arm, and broke up with me. I have never been sadder or more devastated.
Being on the spectrum, I have always had a heightened fear of rejection but this nearly killed me. The woman who helped me pick up the pieces became my wife. She, of course, has no problem finding any number of other people to get with, and I am glad she is so desirable, but it can be hard for me. Not because of the standard difficulty that all non-monogamous cis men have playing the field (especially a smaller towns), but because even if and when I find someone, I eventually have to have the awkward paralyzed arm discussion, which stirs up deep fears of being rejected because of it yet again.
But my specific question is this: My wife recently started chatting with a couple from her very small home town. The man who was a former boyfriend and one of the things they chatted about was a doing a partner swap. After several months of chat, we drove halfway across the state to visit my wife’s parents (who still live in that town where she grew up) and to have dinner and drinks with this couple and do a vibe check. Dinner went fine but it never progressed, which was disappointing as I have to invest a great amount of emotional capital when meeting new people. Two months pass and a few days ago my wife tells me that the reason nothing happened was that the couple has a similarly disabled son and they couldn’t see me without thinking about him.
All of a sudden I was transported to the rejection I barely survived. I left our group chat and have been trying not to fall apart. But it’s really hard not just feeling but actually knowing you are the black marble and you’ve been rejected — again — because of your deepest and most tragic insecurity. Deep down I understand I’m not being excluded because I’m disabled and I don’t feel the hatred for the couple that I did for the other girl but I still feel the same dispondency and heartbreak. My wife and this couple feel that I’m being overly sensitive but I can’t help how personal this feels.
Any advise on how I can move forward from here? Do you think my dating profile should include my disability so I can be rejected in advance without knowing about it? Also, am I the asshole for asking my wife to keep things platonic with this couple? The thought of her fucking them now that the cripple is out of the picture makes me see red.
Cruel Rejection Inflaming Personal Distress
Have some advice for CRIPD? Share it in the comment thread…