Welcome to Struggle Session, where I respond to reader and listener comments and toss up a question that isn’t going to make it into the column and invite you — my readers and listeners — take a turn playing advice columnist. And remember: the only qualification you need to give advice (“opinion about what could or should be done”) is that someone asked for your advice. And I’m asking! But first…
From Sam via email…
You’re awesome, Dan. Thousands of us read your words and listen to your podcasts. You often thank guests for demeaning themselves by coming on your “dumb” show. We know you’re being self-deprecating but it feels more like you’re putting the show down and by extension putting us, your fans, down too. You and Nancy and others built this show over many years. Show your guests you’re proud of yourself and your awesome show!
Thank you for the nice note, Sam, and I will try to stop thanking guests for coming on my dumb podcast. While I’m always looking for ways to express/vent/purge my self-loathing (it’s a Catholic thing, and at this stage of life its more ironic reflex than actual self-loathing), the last thing I want to do is insult my readers and listeners. While I’m pretty sure I’m an idiot — I have a file — my readers and listeners are awesome. You folks have made Savage.Love the only place on the Internet where you should read the comments and I’m always learning new things from all you all. Like this from JR…
Dan wished [in the intro to Episode 935] there was an easy way to know how evolutionarily diverged he is from that ridiculous Australian “mouse” (which is actually a marsupial). Good news: there is! This website offers a research-backed evolutionary divergence time for any pair of taxa: https://timetree.org/
For example, humans and Antechinus last had a common ancestor about 160 million years ago, around when placental and marsupial mammals diverged. We can also check divergence times to other sexy species, like sequentially hermaphroditic clownfish (Pomacentridae, 429mya), or pregnant male seahorses (also 429mya), or praying mantises that practice nuptial cannibalism much more frequently in captivity than in the wild (686mya) or the fungus with more than 17000 sexes (Trichaptum, 1275 mya) or poplars which keep changing their sex chromosomes (1530mya). Ain’t science fun?
And this from AppleScruff…
Alternate term for anus: Poo-ha.
But I have to say I agree with Delta 35: While I will stick my dick in a young gay man’s pussy — if that’s what he wants to call it — I’m not sticking my dick in someone’s poo-ha. (And I agree with you, JR: science is amazing! I spent an entire afternoon looking up my common ancestors!)
Via email from a listener who signed herself Not Anyone’s Sub…
Great podcast! I am new to it and I like your politics and ethics and advice most of the time. (I hate porn though!) But I could never be a “sub”! Not because I don’t want to to pay for access to your work — I would happily do that — but because I am a woman who has been sexually assaulted and manipulated far too many times to be anyone’s “sub.” The word itself gives me the creeps! There may be others out there who have UNWILLINGLY been someone’s sub and they too may feel as I do! (I know it is only a cute play on words, but alas, words have power.) Maybe something to think about, Dan!
Sub is short for subscriber — of course — but I am knowingly invoking the way “sub” is most commonly used on the Lovecast: in reference to the submissive partner in a consensual Dom/sub relationship. A sub in sexual play takes on that role willingly; subs are excited by power exchange — it’s a dynamic that excites them — and Dom/sub roles and play was not forced on them. An assault victim is a victim, not a sub. A sexual predator is criminal, not a Dom. That said, NAS, I’m sorry the word is triggering for you. I would be happy to send you a gift subscription, if you like — not to make you a subscriber against your will, NAS, but to allow you to enjoy the whole show without having to sub/subscribe.
Dept. of Mistakes Were Made: On BlueSky, El Dorko flags something I got wrong in this week’s intro…
Mistakes like that — when brought to my attention — have a way of flooding my body with cortisol, the stress hormone. At my age, it would be better if mistakes and typos flooded my body with cortisone, an anti-inflammatory that eases joint pain.
David, also on BlueSky, didn’t care for what I had to say at the top of this week’s Lovecast about Charlie and Nick — the main characters in Heartstopper — and how it took them three seasons to get around to, er, “establishing basic sexual compatibility,” a.k.a. fucking each other’s brains out.
How about YOU try selling a graphic novel manuscript with high-school-age sexually active main characters to a Big-5 YA publisher. Let me know how that goes for you, Dan. I’ll wait.
It’s gonna be a long wait, David, as I can’t draw for shit. But in my defense: In that into I did say young gay boys need — and young bi boys need and young lesbian girls need and young trans kids need and young ace kids need (Heartstopper hits almost every letter in LGBTIA+) — age-appropriate, take-it-slow, won’t-scare-mom YA romances. So, I wasn’t arguing that author Alice Oseman should’ve had Nick and Charlie meet at a no-loads-refused anonymous anal gang bang in the locker room after rugby practice. I was only saying — to my adult listeners, many of whom are watching Heartstopper (it’s not just kids watching) — that as much as they may be enjoying Nick and Charlie’s romance, they shouldn’t wait three seasons to have sex with a new love interest. (But maybe the two wonderful actors who play Nick (Kit Conner) and Charlie (Joe Locke) could’ve hugged once during the first two seasons without being directed to tilt their pelvises away from each other?)
I ran a letter in this month’s Quickies column from a reader who asked to be put in touch with the author of rather disturbing letter that ran in an earlier column. I’ve run letters like this before — if only to remind people that I can’t hook my readers up with each other — but Thingamajig thinks it was a mistake to run this particular example of a hook-me-up letter…
He’s probably just looking for attention, Dan, but I really wish you hadn’t published #8, even with all your caveats. Someone willing to mutilate themselves to get a boyfriend should not receive any kind of affirmation for that idea, however attenuated. Get thee to a therapist.
Luckydipper asks…
How can he enjoy sex stripped to its basics (men come, then go), and be in the market for a BF? What ASSUP describes himself as liking is sex with reliable tops (if he can find them), with FWBs and randos. What is the rationale for his wanting something more?
Because a person can want more than one thing?
It’s entirely possible for someone to want and enjoy sex stripped its basics — you know, the kind of anonymous, no-loads-refused scene where Chick and Narlie met in Heartstopper: Bizarro World! — and also want and value a committed romantic relationship. And while a committed partner can’t be a rando (except during role play), there are tons of loving and committed gay male couples out there who met under very sleazy circumstances — including during SSTIB scenes like the ones ASSUP enjoys. Enjoying NSA/anon/SSTIB sex and being open to romance should the right guy cum along aren’t mutually exclusive interests/positions/passions. ASSUP is allowed to want more than one thing! ASSUP is allowed to be more than one thing!
I missed this when it first aired…
So, to the handful of people who slid into my DMs after I launched tolyamory on Instagram to tell me it was a swing and a miss — those of you who said that toly, unlike pegging and monogamish and santorum, etc., would would never catch on — it looks like you were wrong. I can feel another OED citation coming on! (And while I’m on the subject: Oliver Keens offered a thoughtful critique of tolyamory — a critique of the concept, the practice, and the coiner — in The Independent.)
And speaking of Savage Love neologisms: says AJ on Threads…
That “google santorum” thing still works. Third search result. @DanSavage for the win.
Thumper — who has been practicing orgasm denial and cock caging for a long time (and has documented his journey on his blog) — was inspired to write a long and very interesting blog post about long-term cock caging (and the potential damage it can do to erectile tissues) after listening to a recent episode of the Lovecast.
Okay, Strugglers, here’s this week’s letter that isn’t going to make it into the column — not because it isn’t a good question, but because I’ve already chosen letters for the next two columns and this LW needs some advice right now…
I’m a 36-year-old old bisexual woman and I need some advice. My partner is a 38-year-old heterosexual man and we have been together for 13 years. The sex in the relationship has been in a swift decline for the last eight years. It’s always been a sore point, as my sex drive is a lot higher than his, but two months ago we decided to open up the relationship. It was a good talk and I think we made some real progress getting our feelings out on the table.
We made some ground rules: 1. We wouldn’t use our own home to meet up with people and 2. we wouldn’t have sex with anyone in our friend circle. He said didn’t want to know about any hookups I might have but I took the opposite position: I like hearing his sex stories and it would make me happy to know he’s getting the attention I think he deserves.
A week ago, I started talking to a guy who’s also in an open relationship. We agreed to meet up and have a chat. Things went well, and we ended up having some fun at his place. I kept it all to myself, honoring my partner’s request.
This is where things get confusing. I think I might be numb, since this only happened last night. I had my best friend over. We were drinking, laughing, and having a good time listening to smutty audiobooks. Now when I get too drunk, I become quiet and somewhat unresponsive, but I don’t pass out. I’m aware of my surroundings. So, when I heard my partner say “let’s take to the bedroom” to my friend, I froze under the blanket on the couch. My partner then proceeded to take my best friend — who is in a monogamous long-term relationship — to our bedroom and have sex with her with the door ajar. From my position on the couch, I could hear her moaning. Later, he cleaned himself up and “woke me” and took me to bed. This morning we all had coffee and then we dropped my girlfriend at her place. Neither of them said a word to me about their encounter.
I don’t know how to feel about this. I just feel empty. Should I be angry? Hurt? Upset? Should I bring this up with either of them? Give me some advice please, Dan.
Here’n Uncharted Relationship Territory
Have some advice for HURT? Share in the comments.