Wee Weenies

...IPRUDE, “make him” stop. Make your 14-year-old son stop looking at all the free porn on the internet. Sounds like a plan. And after your son stops looking at internet porn, IPRUDE, be a doll and make George W. Bush pull our troops out of Iraq, fire Dick Cheney, and institute a single-payer health-care system. And then make him resign. Thanks. Look, IPRUDE, like a lot of hipster parents, you’ve concluded that your enlightened attitudes toward sex obligate you to smile on your son’s taste in porn and his masturbatory habits. After all, you wouldn’t want your son to judge the porn you like or make you feel bad about masturbating, right? So wouldn’t it make you a hypocrite if you judged his porn and made him feel bad about masturbating? No, IPRUDE, it wouldn’t, and here’s why: because you don’t live in his house, he lives in yours; you’re old enough to understand the difference between porn sex and real sex, he’s not; you’re not using his computer, he’s using yours. Sorry, IPRUDE, but you have to say something to him because you’re the parent. And there are times when a parent—even a pro-sex, GGG, bisexual parent—has to make her kid feel uncomfortable. The conversation you’re about to have is gonna make your son wanna die, of course, but someone has to tell him that he’s not the porn ninja he thinks he is. Right now he thinks he’s getting away with it, stealthily downloading Asian anal gangbang porn and having top-secret wanks at Mom’s computer. You can’t send him off to college, or let him move in with roommates, or, God forbid, marry someone believing that he’ll be able to fool his roommates or his new wife the same way he fooled his mother. This talk isn’t going to stop your son from looking at internet porn, nor is he going to refrain from beating off in front of your computer. But a freak-out—even a strategic, disingenuous freak-out—will prompt your son to become more cautious about his porn consumption. He’ll be sneakier and cover his tracks better, if only to avoid more boner-killing conversations with Mom about his taste in porn. Being stealthier about how and when and where he consumes internet porn will also result in his consuming a bit less of it, which is what you want. And if you include a few choice words about the kind of porn he’s looking at—what it depicts, where it was made, how it may shape or distort his desires—he may even give a bit more thought to his porn choices. Good luck, Mom. My boyfriend and I have an adventurous sex life. A couple of years ago he fulfilled my fantasy of having a threesome with two men, and I promised to fulfill his fantasy of having a threesome with two girls. It was easy to find another male because one of our guy friends happened to have a thing for me. Now here’s the problem: I’m not attracted to any of our female friends. How can we find a woman without hiring a prostitute, which costs too much, or picking up some drunk girl at a club? Manage Et Trio A cynical columnist might conclude that you never had any intention of honoring your promise, MET. How else to explain that you’ve ruled out all of your female friends (homely dames, one and all!), all prostitutes (because you’re frugal), and all the drunk girls in all the clubs in all the world (because drunk girls are so inhibited), limiting your threesome options to sober, church-going girls who want to have sex with strangers. But I believe you’re sincere, MET, and I’m going to advise you accordingly: The only way to make good on your promise is to apply the same standard to your girl/girl/boy threesome that you applied to your boy/boy/girl threesome. When it was time to fulfill your fantasy, you didn’t go find a guy whom your boyfriend had a thing for, MET, but a guy who had a thing for you. So go find a girl who has a thing for your boyfriend, and stop looking for a girl whom you have a thing for. You may wind up in bed with someone you previously ruled out, but you’ll have made good on that promise. And that’s what you wanna do, right? I’m a straight male in my early 30s and I have a very small dick. For five years I’ve been hiring attractive hookers to play with my dick and tell me how it could never satisfy them and basically humiliate me verbally. I now find myself in a “normal” relationship with a cute, relatively vanilla girl who I couldn’t possibly ask to satisfy my bizarre fetish. Being verbally humiliated about my small dick exacerbated another problem: a psychological block that prevents me from believing I can satisfy a woman. My girlfriend says the sex is great, and I’m great at eating her tasty little pussy, which I love to do. I don’t want to go back to hookers, but I can’t bring myself to share my “fetish” about my desire to be humiliated with regard to my tiny cock. Any thoughts? Shrink Wrapped In Chicago First, SWIC, you can satisfy a woman—you are satisfying a woman—but don’t take my word for it, or your girlfriend’s. Take the word of Savage Love guest expert extraordinaire Alice Dreger, a faculty member of the Medical Humanities and Bioethics Program at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine. Responding to a man with a small dick in this space last year, Dreger cited a study showing that small-dicked men often have “close and long-lasting relationships” with women. The women studied attributed their sexual satisfaction to the extra effort their partners went to during oral or nonpenetrative sex. Sounds like you’re one of those very satisfying, extra-effort guys. So buck up. That said, SWIC, if being verbally humiliated about your tiny cock turns your tiny crank, fucking go for it. Your dick caused you nothing but grief for years; don’t deny yourself whatever pleasure you’ve learned to take in it now. But before you go back to those attractive hookers, risk telling your girlfriend about this fetish. You do the things that satisfy her and I’ll bet she’s just as interested in doing the things that satisfy you. But she can’t do those things if you don’t trust her enough to tell her what they are. Download a new Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage. [email protected]