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The weekly sex advice column that started it all

“Savage Love” is America’s longest running sex advice column. A new column is posted every Tuesday. Become a Magnum Sub for access to the full column and the Response Roundup posted every Friday!

Savage Love Archives for 2013

The Clit’s the Thing!

DEAR READERS: Sophia Wallace, the NYC-based conceptual artist behind the amazing Cliteracy project, was a guest on my podcast recently. (To hear our conversation, go to savage lovecast.com and look up episode 371.) During our chat, Wallace told me that a column I wrote years ago about the importance of the clit had a big … Read More »

Change Agent

I’ve talked to my girlfriends, my mom, and his mom, but I need some unbiased advice. I’m a 28-year-old woman in a relationship for 3.5 years with a wonderful man, also 28. I hit the jackpot: He is loving, sweet, kind, driven, active, handsome, generous, etc. We’re very committed to each other and planning our … Read More »

LGBT&P?

I’m a straight woman who loves my boyfriend, but sex isn’t a priority for me. His sex drive, on the other hand, is ridiculous. He gets very upset when I don’t have sex with him and accuses me of not being interested in him anymore, which isn’t the case. I just can’t fuck on demand! … Read More »

Depressing

I recently ended a relationship that lasted a year and five months. While I loved this woman, for much of the relationship she was, to varying degrees, depressed. I tried to be as helpful and patient as possible, with the hope and expectation that she would get better. I got her into counseling. We went … Read More »

Slam Bam

I’m a bi woman in my mid-20s in a great monogamish relationship with my straight boyfriend. We occasionally invite other women into our sex life, which is really enjoyable for both of us. He isn’t threatened by other women, only by other men, which isn’t an issue since I’m not interested in any other men. … Read More »

Basics, Bitches

I’m a heterosexual guy in my early 20s. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about six months, and we’ve been having some fights recently. The problem: I have a high sex drive in comparison to hers. I want to be intimate on a weekly basis (at least!), and she’s told me that she’s more of … Read More »

Sluts and Such

Why am I such a slut? Girl, Corrupted Are you such a slut? Or are you a woman who loves sex, has a high libido, and has consensual sex with a lot of willing and grateful partners? Those are traits a sex-negative/misogynist culture conspires to make you feel conflicted about, GC, and then cons you … Read More »

Senior Kinkster

I am a kinky, youthful 72-year-old guy. I grew up in the Pleistocene era, when there was virtually no way to meet a kinky woman. I’ve had two vanilla marriages, and three months ago I ended a four-year vanilla relationship with the best woman I’ve ever met. I just couldn’t take not being a BDSM … Read More »

Your Sister’s Keeper

Two years ago, I found a letter in my sister’s car informing her that the blood she gave during a charity blood drive had tested positive for HIV. I didn’t say anything to her at the time, because it was a really bad time, I wasn’t supposed to find out, and I didn’t know what … Read More »

Lotion Up

My girlfriend always responds positively when I initiate sex with her, but she hardly ever initiates sex with me. I’m a no-beat-around-the-bush kind of guy, but I realize that this can be a sensitive topic, and I don’t want to scare her by saying, “Please initiate sex more often!” So I do small things to … Read More »

Tragedies Come in Threes

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and we live together. Recently, his ex was killed in a car accident. They were not on good terms, and he often made scathing statements about her. I made the mistake of saying the following several days after her death (after offering him my sympathy … Read More »

The Coast

I visited Halifax, Nova Scotia, last week to help celebrate the 20th anniversary of the founding of the Coast, Halifax’s kick-ass alternative weekly newspaper. The paper brought me to town to do Savage Love Live. I took questions for two hours in the auditorium of a brand-new Halifax high school that has a full bar. … Read More »

Flat-Footed

I am a straight male, 30, in a long-term monogamous relationship. I love my wife, we have good sex, and often. When we first got together, I had a mild foot fetish, and she has gorgeous pedis. We have done and still do foot play on occasion. But my fetish has grown stronger as time … Read More »

Clueless and Clitorless

I’m a 23-year-old homo who came out one year ago. Life has done good and bad things to me. Good things include success in the intelligence lottery, a full ride to college, and now a job with a six-figure income. Sadly, I find that my place in life is different from the place occupied by … Read More »

Noise Makers

My question is one of etiquette. My lesbian wife and I live in an apartment. The noise pollution between flats can be pretty bad. Anyone who lives in the building is aware of this, and keeping noise down after certain hours is a common courtesy. I wouldn’t play loud music after a certain hour, or … Read More »

Sheathe That Thing

I’m a Savage Lovecast listener, but I’m sending this question to your column because my boyfriend would FOR SURE recognize my voice if I called the show. I’m 25, I live in Portland, and my boyfriend and I have been monogamous for five years. His dick is of average size. It’s not small enough for … Read More »

Quickies

Settle this for us, Dan? Which is the bigger ask: a one-time, once-in-a-lifetime threesome or regular (and elaborate) bondage sessions? Ruling On Private Enquiry Required Let me guess: Your partner is into bondage, ROPER, and you’re not. But you’ve been doing the hard work of tying him/her/some-other-point-along-the-gender-spectrum up for years… and the partner you’ve gone … Read More »

Sail Away

I’m a cute, mostly straight, twentysomething, single, and (safely) sexually active woman. This happens to me pretty often: I hook up with a guy, we start fooling around, and we’re both really into it. I reach down, and he’s full sail. Things progress-clothes come off, etc.-and, as is generally the polite order of things, the … Read More »

Kinky Kid

I recently discovered that my 14-year-old stepson, who lives with us full-time, has been stealing, wearing, soiling, and hiding his toddler sister’s pull-ups. I’ve found them after he hides them in his closet. After discussions with him, I’m certain that wearing them is a pleasure thing for him. (He says “curiosity,” but this has been … Read More »

Vacated

DEAR READERS: Two excellent writers stepped in to answer the Savage Love Letter of the Day while I was on vacation, and I wanted to share two of their responses in the column this week. (The SLLOTD appears daily—cough, cough—on Slog, The Stranger‘s blog, and is blasted out to folks who have the Savage Love … Read More »

Bros

I’m a 25-year-old male. After a tragic set of circumstances, I am now the legal guardian of my 15-year-old brother. He’s gay. Fortunately, our parents took care of “the talk” and taught him how to use condoms. Unfortunately, he has started dating a senior at his school who is about to turn 18 and is … Read More »

Diaper Pals

I am a 28-year-old gay man living in a major East Coast city. I recently connected with a guy on a vanilla dating website, and we are quickly developing a real interest in each other. After talking online for a bit, we exchanged numbers. Our first conversation was through text messages for the better part … Read More »

Head Fake

I’ve been mostly happily married for 15 years. I’m a straight man. I love my wife. We used to have a great sex life. But after many years, children, and just day-to-day reality, our sex life is now pretty unsatisfying. While my wife was barely GGG at the beginning, now she will not go down … Read More »

Boy Trouble

I am a young gay man who has been so freaked out by the idea of catching a sexually transmitted infection that I haven’t gotten with anyone for two years. But last night, I hooked up with a cute 21-year-old FTM trans boy, and maybe because it was a person with lady parts, I let … Read More »

Vacay

I’m a 26-year-old straight female. I’m writing because I need to ask someone what to think right now. I just fucked a guy while on holiday in Costa Rica. I thought I was sex-positive and adventurous, so why do I feel so ashamed? I’m dating a boy back in the US who I absolutely adore, … Read More »

Quickies

I’m a 24-year-old woman who just ended a five-year relationship. It sucked. I cried. It was my first breakup, so I’ve felt totally insane for the last three months. Now I’m in the dating world, and I go out with people only to find that we have no physical chemistry. My mother says, “You’re just … Read More »

Enema Kits and Missing Clits

I am a married 54-year-old postmenopausal woman. My libido has diminished significantly, and it takes me much longer to climax. My husband gets tired sooner and is unable to maintain an erection as long as he used to; this makes it even more difficult for me to climax. I have taken up an activity I … Read More »

Mayo

I’m a straight guy in my early 30s with an amazing girlfriend of two years. A few months ago, I felt open enough to share my taboo fantasy: father/daughter incest. My GF, to my delight, not only understands the fantasy but enjoys participating in it! Quickly: I have ZERO interest in this kind of thing … Read More »

Dyke Drama

I’m a 27-year-old bisexual chick who just moved in with my girlfriend of 10 months. I love her very much, and this is a great relationship—hot sex, laughs, good conversation. Here’s the thing: I like to smoke pot, and pot makes her very uncomfortable. We’ve talked about it a lot—you know how dykes are—and I’ve … Read More »

Husbanding

I love my husband of 20 years, but sexual differences are putting a strain on our marriage. Ten years ago, he asked me to talk dirty to him about having sex with other men. It has progressed to him wanting to be a cuckold. I only want to be with him, but he presses the … Read More »

Amazing Guys

I’m seeing an amazing guy who I met doing sex work—as in, he was paying me for straight-up sex. It’s not a Pretty Woman situation. He’s my age and not wealthy, and I’m too old for that anyway. We share a lot of geeky interests and have a great connection, and the sex is awesome. … Read More »

Closure

Twenty-one-year-old female here. When we were both 14, my first boyfriend took advantage of me. I wanted to explore my sexuality a little, but things went further than I wanted. One day, we were kissing with him on top of me. We were both fully clothed, and he started rubbing up against me. I didn’t … Read More »

Shorties

I have a mentally disabled cousin who I haven’t figured out how to help. He’s lived for more than 40 years in the same nursing home in a small, conservative town. His mental age is about 8, there are other mental-illness issues, and he has some physical problems. He is now in his late 60s. … Read More »

Reading Comprehension Fail

I’m a 24-year-old straight, married female. I have been religiously reading your column in the Portland Mercury since I was 16. Thank you for explaining things that my parents wouldn’t and for helping me clear the hurdles of adolescence! I turn to you now for advice. Five months ago, I married the man of my … Read More »

Move On

I am a 23-year-old straight male. My ex-girlfriend and I started dating in high school, when we were both 17, and continued dating until I broke up with her the summer after our freshman year in college because things felt too serious. We continued to have sex, but I blocked out all my feelings for … Read More »

No Problem

DEAR READERS: When I sat down to write this column—while the manhunt was under way for the second bomber in Boston, while a small town in Texas was on fire, while antigay violence was spiking in France—it occurred to me that the last thing the world needs right now is more problems. So instead of … Read More »

Dick Holes

I am uncircumcised, and the opening at the end of my foreskin is not large enough for the head of my penis to pass through. This means my foreskin doesn’t pull back when I get an erection. The internet says this is a condition called “phimosis,” and a lot of medical websites recommend circumcision. I’m … Read More »

A First

I’m a gay man who has been seeing a devout Christian gay guy for one year. We have a great relationship. We have many of the same interests and respect each other’s feelings and beliefs. However, I am a Catholic who is not that religious, and he is an Orthodox Christian. Some of his friends … Read More »

Shorties

I am trying to understand some fantasies I have. They involve having sex with a woman who has a penis. Sometimes I fantasize that my wife grew a penis. The fantasies started when we first tried pegging. We recently had a child and can no longer find time for kinky sex. These fantasies have caused … Read More »

Virgin Bro

My brother is 22 years old and mentally ill with social anxiety on the scale of agoraphobia (officially diagnosed). He’s made significant progress in the past few years, but he’s stuck on the fact that he’s a virgin and is convinced that he’s not going to make any real social progress until that’s no longer … Read More »

Gerbils? Again?

DEAR READERS: I’m off this week. To tide all of your hot and/or kinky and/or sore asses over, here’s a column I wrote 15 years ago. Some of you who were still in grade school, diapers, or amniotic sacs back in 1998 might have missed this, so I’m rerunning it now because I still get … Read More »

Best Foot Forward

I’m an actor in New York City. A lot of people think actors are whores, but last week I almost became one. I responded to a casting call for a film project called Sniff. The ad—on Playbill’s website—called for two male actors to film a short scene. The pay was $100 for a day’s work. … Read More »

Lockup

My girlfriend and I read your column religiously, and I have you to thank for being comfortable enough with my kinks to tell her about my interest in BDSM. She is very GGG and has indulged all my fantasies and discovered some of her own. Our latest adventure has her locking up my dick in … Read More »

Queer Goggles

I am writing about a friend. By all appearances, he is straight. However, on more than one occasion, he has gotten drunk and tried to hook up with a transvestite or a person who could have been one. In one instance, he went to a club and was approached by a really masculine-seeming girl who … Read More »

The Wedding Party

A PROGRAMMING NOTE: I hosted a live taping of the Savage Lovecast in Seattle on Valentine’s Day, and it went great—thanks to all who came (especially to the five boys who left with butt plugs in their butts)—but I made the mistake of having a drink or five afterward, and I’m so fucking hungover right … Read More »

Father Figures

I’m a 37-year-old single father with a 14-year-old son. I’ve raised him on my own basically since birth, with help from some good friends and nearby family. Overall he’s a good kid: gets decent grades, rarely gets in trouble. Our relationship isn’t perfect-I work a lot and he’s a teenager, but no major issues. Over … Read More »

Cuck You

I’m a 27-year-old man in a two-year relationship with a 26-year-old woman. My last partner cheated and lied and did some unforgivable things. I wasn’t blameless-I stayed with her long after I realized it wasn’t working-but our relationship did unearth a kink. After I found out about her cheating, I got extremely turned on thinking … Read More »

Sex-Positive Therapy

I’ve been a fan of your Savage Lovecast for a long time, but I had to write after hearing Marty Klein’s awesome talk about the fallacy of “sex addiction.” I am 27, and for most of my adult life, I have suffered from complete sexual dysfunction with partners. I was ashamed and thought I was … Read More »

Not Getting Married (By Me)

I’ve reached out several times before but will try again. My fiancé and I will be getting married in October at the EMP Sky Church. We are huge fans and appreciate the work you did to help win marriage rights in Washington State as well as your work creating the It Gets Better Project and … Read More »

Work Your Way Up to the Fucksaw

My name is Nancy, and I’m 19. My boyfriend’s name is Carl, we have been together for almost a year-our anniversary is actually February 14!-and we have great sex frequently! I want to do something sexy for us on our anniversary. I plan on being with Carl for years to come, and I don’t want … Read More »

Gay Panic Attack

I’m a straight male, 21 years old. I love women, I’ve always loved women, I’ve always loved having sex with women. However, in the last year, here and there, I’ve jerked off to transsexual porn. One night, after drinking with a friend and smoking some hash, I arranged a date with a trans sex worker. … Read More »

University of Wisconsin-Madison

More than a thousand people showed up for a recent Savage Love Live event at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. It goes without saying that the students at UW submitted more questions than I could answer in 90 minutes. As promised, Madison, here are some bonus answers to questions that I didn’t get to during our … Read More »