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“Savage Love” is America’s longest running sex advice column. A new column is posted every Tuesday. Become a Magnum Sub for access to the full column and the Struggle Session posted every Thursday!

Savage Love Archives for 2024

Solo Survivor

Literally the only sex I’ve had is being raped. The only person who ever expressed any passion for me — the only person who ever made me feel sexy and desirable — was my rapist. While other people get to look back on great and terrible sex, all I have is a sex crime. A big part … Read More »

The Outsiders

Question about genders and dating apps which I will try to keep brief. I am a 45-year-old married cis male. After more than a decade of dipping in and out of the swinging lifestyle, my wife and I have decided to open up to dating other people. I’m trying to catch up with the language … Read More »

Allowances

For the longest time I’ve been into the feederism kink. It’s specifically the weight gain aspect of this kink — making myself or others bigger — that turns me on. I’ve always felt uneasy about this due to the health risks and have kept it hidden. I recently got a wonderful girlfriend, our relationship is great, … Read More »

Wants v. Gots

I am new to polyamory. I am an ethically non-monogamous hetero woman in her 50s and recently re-entered into my first secondary sexual relationship with a married friend whom I’ve known all my life. We lost touch after college, but he reconnected and restarted it. Is it normal to want to know if he has … Read More »

Struggle Session: Thursday Is a State of Mind…

On Thursdays I respond to comments from readers and listeners. These posts — which go up like clockwork on Thursdays — are for Magnum Subs only. So, if you’re already a sub, thank you and read on! If you’d like to become one of my subs, do it now! Magnum Subs get the Magnum Lovecast … Read More »

Bruise Control

My question could come across as kink shaming. That is not my intent. I am a habitual self-harmer who is planning to seek therapy. However, I find myself unable to stop comparing attitudes towards the kind of self-harm I’ve engaged in with attitudes toward BDSM pain play. When I was a teenager, I would describe … Read More »

Feathered Friends (With Benefits)

Dear Readers: I’m traveling today. Please enjoy this infamous column from the first decade of Savage Love. — Dan As an avid reader of your column, I thought of you and only you for help with this problem. My grandmother, 78 and widowed, is a kind, generous woman who has seen her share of difficult … Read More »

Quickies

1. Is pegging only for butts or can vaginas get pegged too? I’m not a pegging purist. When the term originated in my column — when my readers selected “pegging” as the name for a woman fucking a man in the ass with a strap-on dildo — it was gendered; pegging was something a woman did … Read More »

STRUGGLE SESSION: No Argument From Me!

On Thursdays I respond to comments from readers and listeners. These posts are for Magnum Subs exclusively. So, if you’re already one of my subs, thank you and read on! If you’d like to become my sub, do it now! Magnum Subs get the Magnum Lovecast (more guests! more calls! no ads!), the Maxi Savage … Read More »

Slick Moves

I’m frustrated. I’m transmasc and use silicone “attachments.” My partner is AMAB. Also relevant: We have very old hardwood floors, non-laminated. For YEARS, I have expressed frustrations about the careless ways my partner handles silicone lube. Multiple times, he has created dangerous slippery spots on the floor by spilling it. Our old hardwood floors absorb … Read More »

Mommy Issues

I’m an intelligent, open-minded mom of a 13-year-old boy. Recently, I’ve found out that my son entered into an online Dom/sub relationship where he asked his “Mistress” to give him degrading tasks like consuming his own semen. Of course, his “Mistress” asked him to “prove his loyalty” by providing her with money in the form … Read More »

Frozen

I’m a 40-year-old woman, he’s a 35-year-old man, we’ve been together for fifteen years. We met young, and I was his first serious partner. In the beginning, sex was fun, but I’ve never had an orgasm with anyone, ever. We had a ton of other things in common and we stayed together because it mostly … Read More »

Messed Up

I recently discovered that my on-again/off-again boyfriend of ten years has been using online classifieds to schedule encounters with men. He creates posts when he’s out of town for work and he’s very specific about what he’s looking for. The acts are punitive in nature (but consensual) and he is always on the receiving end … Read More »

STRUGGLE SESSION: Super Hero Movies (And the Sex-Advice Columnists Who Hate Them), No-Good Men (And the Women Who Wanna Fuck Them), Wannabe Parents (And the Friends They Need Around Them), and More!

On Thursdays I respond to comments from readers and listeners. These posts are for Magnum Subs exclusively. So, if you’re already one of my subs, thank you and read on! If you’d like to become my sub, do it now! Magnum Subs get the Magnum Lovecast (more guests! more calls! no ads!), the Maxi Savage … Read More »

Quickies

1. I’m 53-year-old straight woman. I’ve been talking with a guy online for three years — text, voice, video. I am in love with him. He is my daily companion and says he loves me. He lives 269 miles away. He doesn’t want to meet me, although he isn’t married, and lives alone. I’ve tried … Read More »

Mask 4 Mask

I’m a cis gay man in Canada. Other than my supportive enby partner of five years and a few close friends, most people in my life don’t know that I’m a fetish content creator. My stuff delves into the foot porn/macrophilia (love of giants) space. I don’t make enough to live off, but it’s a … Read More »

Priced Out

My boyfriend wants my permission to see sex workers. He did this quite a bit before we were together. He goes to Canada, where it’s legal and supposedly safer. He says he’s just trying to be open and honest about his desire for variety and that I should be glad he doesn’t want to cheat. … Read More »

Best Interests

I’m a woman in a new polyamorous relationship with a man who has a five-year-old daughter. He and his ex-partner split up a year ago and until two weeks ago, his ex wasn’t allowing him to see his child. However, once she learned of my existence, she suddenly changed her mind. I believe she’s letting … Read More »

Quickies

1. I’m a single cis gay man and I’ve been going back and forth between wanting an open relationship or a throuple/quad when I start dating again. Do you have any advice or recommendations for finding out more about gay throuple/quad relationship structures? I’ve talked about open relationships and relationship anarchy with my peers and … Read More »

What Counts

I’m involved with a guy who’s married and, yes, I’m a cliché and I know it. I don’t want him to leave his wife. I don’t even want to be involved with him physically and we aren’t doing anything physical. We’ve both been good about maintaining that boundary. But we are very involved emotionally. We … Read More »

Dom and Dommer

I’m having a weird reaction to someone I’m involved with. I find myself wanting to punish him for the slightest transgressions and scold him or give him the silent treatment until he apologizes. The poor guy hasn’t done anything very wrong — nothing wrong wrong — he’s just failed to meet my unreasonably high expectations for him. … Read More »

No Struggle Session Today

Sorry, gang. Have to take a day off — for family reasons, but good/happy ones. I promise next week’s Struggle Session will be epic. In the meantime, get your nominations in now for Muppet-Faced Man of the Week!

Power Moves

I have a history of dating men I’m not attracted to physically or emotionally. I always found it weirdly comforting to know my boyfriend was obsessed with me while I had minimal feelings for him. I have explored this in therapy and chalk it up to lack of self-confidence. But a month ago I started hanging … Read More »

The Long Game

Would it be inappropriate to introduce my girlfriend to the kink/swinger scene if I plan to break up with her? I’ve been unhappy for a decade, but I’ve been able to fake the funk until pretty recently. I’ve been failing at that lately and the lack of sex is making her unhappy, as she has … Read More »

Quickies

1. Best advice on dating without resorting to apps? Go places, do shit, meet people — fuck, rinse, repeat. 2. I’m about to visit a gay nudist resort for the first time (although I’ve been to heterosexual nudist resorts in the past). I’ve been bi all my life and am now in my 70s. What … Read More »

Routine Maintenance

I’m off this week. Please enjoy this column that originally ran in December of 2014. — Dan What is your stance on maintenance sex? I’d never thought about the issue until reading Amy Poehler’s new memoir. I didn’t find anything she said controversial and was surprised when this quote blew up in the feminist blogosphere: … Read More »

STRUGGLE SESSION: Host Gifts, Wedding Nights, Truck Stops, and More!

On Thursdays I respond to comments from readers and listeners. These posts are for Magnum Subs exclusively. So, if you’re already a sub, thank you and read on! If you’d like to become a sub, head over here! Magnum Subs get the Magnum Savage Lovecast (more guests, more calls, no ads), the Maxi Savage Love … Read More »

Smash Button

My heart is breaking and it’s my own fault. I started cheating on my husband of 29 years, casually at first — making out, getting groped, no penetrative sex — and then I met a man and we just clicked. I caught feelings and we started to have an intense, kinky, and very sexual and emotional … Read More »

Struggle Session: Houseboys, Kitties, Doggies, PUDs, MUDs and More!

On Thursdays I respond to comments from my readers and listeners. (It’s still Thursday, right?) These posts are for Magnum Subs. So, if you’re already a sub, thank you and read on! If you’d like to become a sub, you can do that here! Magnum Subs get the Magnum Savage Lovecast (more guests, more calls, … Read More »

Obsessed

A therapist suggested I might have “Relationship OCD,” which is OCD with the obsessions and compulsions focusing on romantic relationships. While I haven’t been formally diagnosed, it rings true to me. As soon as I get close to someone, I experience so much anxiety. If I kissed a partner and they kissed me in a … Read More »

Quickies

1. How does one tell the difference between when someone says they love you in a Platonic way and when someone says they love you in a romantic way? One asks a direct question: “That’s nice — but do you mean that platonically or do you mean that passionately? Like, do you just wanna hang out … Read More »

Micro Nots

I was seeing this guy for about four months. We were pretty much dating, doing all of the normal boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. Everything was going great up until last night when he told me he feels all of these feelings for me, but they don’t mean anything because he’s felt this same way about others, but … Read More »

Script Doctor

I’m a cishet woman, married twenty years, three kids at home. My marriage is generally happy but it’s sexless. Going “companionate” was his decision, not mine. The absence of sex is driving me crazy, so my husband has given me his blessing to get sex elsewhere. It’s tricky, though, as it’s hard for me to … Read More »

Loading Zone

My boyfriend recently broke up with me. He confessed that he has been battling an addiction to orgies and couldn’t show up for our relationship in the ways I needed him to. Basically, he uses drugs and logs onto Grindr or Sniffies to find sex parties. He is into the kink of anonymous breeding. He … Read More »

Sexless Wonders

Have you ever seen a successful relationship when the sex was difficult from the start? Or even stopped early in the relationship? I have been with my boyfriend since August and I honestly lost my desire for him early on. He’s a bit of a hoarder and has some self-care and cleanliness issues, which I … Read More »