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Savage Love Archives for 2003

Happy Holiday Sex Memories

Last year I devoted an entire column to horrifying true stories of desperate and/or depressing holiday sex. This year, on the suggestion of a Savage Love reader, I’m devoting an entire column to my readers’ favorite, fondest, and most cherished (sex-related) holiday experiences. Enjoy. In the fall of 2001, I entered college as an 18-year-old … Read More »

Sour Kraut

Bernd Brandes was recorded on video in 2001 eating his own penis. Brandes isn’t an auto-fellator, like others who’ve written in, but a man who wanted to be eaten by a cannibal. He found one on the Internet, and allowed this man to cut off his penis and fry it in a pan. Brandes’ penis … Read More »

Squat Thrust

On an episode of The Sopranos, a hunk went to the bathroom, where he died, and the camera caught the actor sitting in a position with his pants and shorts down around his ankles. It made me so hot I whacked off immediately. Later, I taped the episode for that purpose. Also, I found a … Read More »

Spreading Santorum

I was listening to the radio today and Rick Santorum was mentioned. The first thought that popped into my head was, “Santorum? That frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex?” and not, “Santorum? That conservative prick?” Your column has worked the new meaning so far into my … Read More »

Celebrity Skin

I’m a woman in my early 20s and I love to insert a tampon in my rear end when I masturbate. It gets me off but I feel dirty. Is this normal? Do other people share this pleasure? Does it have a name? Confused About Tampons In selecting your letter for the column, CAT, it … Read More »

Naked Doughnuts

A bar in Seattle serves sushi off a naked woman, some feminists find out, pitch a fit, and suddenly Seattle’s “Naked Sushi” is all over the papers. It even made the Drudge Report! You live in Seattle, Dan. Are your local feminist correct? Is “Naked Sushi” offensive? Or is it good, clean fun? Fish Food … Read More »

Low Blows

My fiancée is having trouble going down on me. She can usually last five minutes before her jaw starts hurting. It’s big–what can I do? When we try, she has me lie down on my back while she kneels between my legs. Is there another position that might work better and not cause her jaw … Read More »


I need help understanding a recently observed trend. As a physician, I see lots of naked bodies. For several years I’ve noticed that, generally speaking, many straight patients (men and women) in their 20s have trimmed and/or coifed pubic hair. A lot of the men tell me that their girlfriends prefer it that way; some … Read More »

Gay Hating Gay

I am a gay, healthy, native dude from the Midwest attending a sleepy university. I’ve got a great group of friends and a pretty well-rounded social life. With school and all the organizations I belong to, you would think that I was swimming in a sea of eligible gay men to escort to the local … Read More »

The Spread of Santorum

My husband to be is running for high political office in the “Bible belt.” He has a good chance of winning. I am aware that campaigns can become ugly and personal. Before I met my husband I dated women, posed for naked pictures, was into drugs, and even appeared in a Girls Gone Wild video. … Read More »

What’s Wrong with Rufus?

You’re a dick. Your reply last week to “Confused in Ohio,” who was worried about her boy-porn-perusing boyfriend, is typical bi-phobia. I thought you had laid your bi-phobia to rest when you finally relented and acknowledged that yes, there are lots of bisexuals. But now you are back to your same old agenda, the agenda … Read More »


I am in a relationship with a man who recently told me about something that he used to do before we met. He is flexible enough to give himself a blowjob, he said, and used to do this often to get himself off. I didn’t think it was possible for men to do this, but … Read More »

Women on Porn

Maybe there’s nothing women can do about men being “hard-wired” to lust after other people. Maybe all we can expect is for them not to act on that instinct. Maybe we just have to “get over it.” But can you give some advice on how to “get over it”? Maybe it’s “natural,” but can you … Read More »

Sensitive Guy

My boyfriend looks at porn and it freaks me out. It’s not because I’m jealous, but because I’m insecure. I’m sure many of those girls are more attractive than me. In general, Dan, you’ve been really insensitive toward people (girls, I guess) who feel strange about porn. I think that was unnecessary because you have … Read More »

Dog Days

Between the ages of 13 and 16 I engaged in bestiality with our household pets. I was a horny kid, and I guess kind of a freak. It never went beyond oral copulation and I eventually curtailed the whole thing due to guilt and shame. I am now a 21-year-old woman who is moving toward … Read More »


Dullsville This is probably the least entertaining letter you’ll ever get, but I hope it’ll make a nice break between snot-suckers and shit-eaters. I am 18 now, going to college, and I think I may be in love. I know that it might seem like I am jumping in with both feet, but I don’t … Read More »

What Happens in Vegas

Five Questions In Vegas I made the mistake of telling my “friends” I had an “accident.” The girl giving me a lap dance was grinding too hard and I blew my load. Within minutes the nicknames started: Sticky Pants, Pocket Paste, et cetera. I took my medicine for three days in Vegas and thought that … Read More »

Frothy Mix

Frothy Mix Take a word of advice from a doctoral student of communications at an Ivy League university: If you want your message to stick, you need to repeat it over and over and over. The reactionaries in our government certainly understand this. We progressives also need to embrace this strategy to get our message … Read More »

Leaving a Trail

Fucking Google I’m a 16-year-old girl with a 17-year-old boyfriend. My boyfriend is religious and strongly against sex before marriage (vaginal, anal, or even oral). Recently our making out has lead to “dry humping.” I’ve heard all sorts of things from peers and teen magazines about what can happen when a guy ejaculates in this … Read More »


Fuck Off, Faghag I gotta say I’m a bit disappointed in you. I’ve been reading your column for years and you’ve answered the same question from gay men many times: “How can I hook up with my straight roommate?” Months ago I asked you a similar question–“How can I hook up with my gay best … Read More »

Young Love

In and Out I’m a 19-year-old girl dating a 21-year-old guy. We’ve been dating for a year and a half, love each other dearly, have a great time together. In bed the other night, my sweet boyfriend let me put a vibrator in his ass. He wanted to do it to me, so I told … Read More »

Sticky Messes

Rest On Sunday How do you get rid of a sexual fetish? I’ve got an incest fetish and while I don’t plan on acting on it, Dan, it’s still very annoying. Second, I was raped by a sibling as a child. Repeatedly. And while at first I was upset by this, I eventually began to … Read More »


DTMFA! Dear Readers: I’m on vacation. I’m actually sitting on the beach as I write these words, knocking back margaritas and watching my boyfriend’s tan lines come in. But you know what? I’m still thinking about you and your problems. I’m always thinking about you and your problems–and isn’t that just like me? While I … Read More »

Elusive Release

Accept, Adjust, and Deal Remember how one time (or maybe two) you warned a guy (while remaining masturbation-positive) not to condition his body to come only in response to a particular kind of stimulation? I believe (’cause I looked ’em up) your exact words were, “If you hold your cock in a death grip every … Read More »

Mr. Wrong

Degenerates and Roger Nance I am an 18-year-old female dating a 19-year-old male and we are both virgins. He used to be fat, and I was just a virgin whore who never “went all the way.” We both ended up going to a behavior modification program (which is where we met) for two years. We … Read More »

Santorum Etiquette

“Santorum” in a Sentence I am new to anal sex and enjoy it, despite the embarrassment of occasional santorum. But I’ve wondered about this for a while: Is the person receiving supposed to have an enema first? I’ve heard about people “cleaning themselves out” and I assume that’s because they don’t want to make any … Read More »

Chemo Sex

Dan Stands I recently went on a business trip cross-country. While there, I spent a good deal of time with a female friend I’ve known for over eight years. In all that time, I’ve loved this woman. I’ve had girlfriends in that time, but no one very serious for very long. She’s always had a … Read More »

Buying the Cow

Once Bitten I got married young (I’m 22 now). Within six months of the wedding, my wife put on 50 pounds, stopped wearing makeup, and decided that she would no longer engage in any sex act besides vaginal, missionary intercourse. She will accept oral sex, but refuses to return the favor. When we were dating, … Read More »

Gas Huffer

The Santorum I find applying stinging nettles to my body highly pleasurable. I’ve tried the web for more information but either get herbalist pages or, when searching the words “nettles” and “fetish” together, get directed to SM-type pages. I don’t really go for that. Can you direct me somewhere where I can get advice? Are … Read More »

Proceed with Caution

Yesh and No We’re sick and tired of hearing about your sick fascination with Ashton Kutcher. Whatever happened to breast-milk cheese, ejaculating into women’s shoes, or screwing your sister? Hot Old Twosome Bored of Dan My thing for Ashton is sweet and wholesome–and it’s annoying the shit out of my boyfriend, so I will drop … Read More »

Do the Santorum

Do the Santorum It feels like a million years ago that Senator Rick Santorum (R-Pennsylvania) told a reporter that he hoped the United States Supreme Court would uphold anti-gay sodomy laws and compared consensual gay sex to incest, bigamy, adultery, and “man-on-dog” sex. There was a mini uproar, of course, with gay groups calling for … Read More »

Sex and Drugs

I am a female college sophomore whose boyfriend is currently studying abroad in Europe. I’ve been thinking about ending the relationship since I’m sick of the long-distance thing. Here’s the problem: I recently heard that at the beginning of last semester, which was before we started dating, he date-raped two girls. The story goes that, … Read More »

Bill, Ashton, Rick

Being a big fan of your book Skipping Towards Gomorrah, you can no doubt imagine how delighted I was to read all about William J. Bennett’s gambling “problem.” America’s number one moral crusader lost millions of dollars in Las Vegas casinos. I realize that it’s not cool to laugh at the misfortunes of others… but … Read More »

Family Ties

I am a 19-year-old guy with a problem. When I was 15, I was a lonely virgin who had never even kissed a girl. My sister, who is a year younger than me, had never had a boyfriend. One day we started talking about this, and we decided to practice kissing on each other. To … Read More »

The Fag-a-thon

Two weeks ago, I responded to a letter from Fifteen and Gay, a closeted gay high-school sophomore who longed to be “another dude’s sex slave.” FAG met a 38-year-old “really nice guy” on the Internet who offered to pick him up from school, take him back to his house, and make FAG his sex slave. … Read More »


My boyfriend doesn’t like snowballing, which I’m fine with. However, he won’t even kiss me after oral sex, even if I’ve already swallowed. I feel like he sees me as dirty or nasty when he refuses to kiss me after oral sex. He says he wouldn’t ask me to do something I didn’t want to … Read More »

Dumb Kids

I’m a gay high school sophomore, and I’ve had no luck finding other guys. I turned to the Internet and met a really nice guy who wants to help me live out my dreams of being another dude’s sex slave. He offered to pick me up after school and take me to his house. The … Read More »

Water World

I’m hoping you can help me. My boyfriend wants nothing more than to have me pee on him. I really want to do this for him, but my body will not cooperate. I’m usually able to pee whether I feel the need to go or not–when the doctor needs a sample, for instance–so this is … Read More »

The 15-Year Itch

I am a 15-year-old kid who lacks self-esteem, self-confidence, and just plain good looks. I’ve spent my entire life without a kiss from a girl, and even spent a year thinking I was in love with my sister. My right hand is in extreme pain from the amount of whacking I do, and I’m looking … Read More »

Homeland Insecurities

Like many 40-year-old guys, I’m attracted to the girl at my morning coffee place. She’s a biker, pierced, tattooed, dark-haired, beautiful, and intelligent. However I am pretty sure she likes girls. She’s always nice, but maybe just because I am a customer? I spend way too much time thinking about exploding my rocket all over … Read More »

Beatin’ and Cheatin’

I am a straight male in an exclusive relationship. My girlfriend and I have been together for two years, and her need for sex has dwindled. Any attempt to discuss this leads to tears and blame, e.g., “I am not into sex because you…” or, “Everything would be fine if only you would….” My most … Read More »

Nice Ladies

I am a straight male who just got back from Carnival in Rio. I went with a few friends from work. We had a blast. Actually, it may have been too much fun. One night I drank too much and ended up getting into a conversation with one of the most beautiful girls I had … Read More »

Chewing the Fat

I am a 28-year-old straight female with a great boyfriend. I want to share all my fucked-up fantasies with him–and I have, so far, except for one. I have these bizarre fantasies about him overindulging in really bad food and gaining weight. I am not a chubby chaser–if he got fat I would not be … Read More »

Hit Me

I’m a chick with a desire to be punched. I want a black eye, you see. My boyfriend won’t do it because he has this hang-up about “beating” his girlfriend. But he did give me permission to ask my best male friend if he would punch me. My friend said yes, if I got him … Read More »

Sluts and Isholes

When you warn against being a huge fucking slut, I know that I agree, but I don’t know if I’m being a huge fucking slut. I’ve had anal sex (with protection!) on the first date, and I’ve had sex with guys without quite remembering their names. But my lifetime sex-partner count is not that high … Read More »

No Excuses

Your recent column about gay “bug chasers” was BOOOORING. No one cares if gay guys want to infect themselves with AIDS! While you may be gay, most of your readers are NOT. Write about STRAIGHT problems! Don’t spend so much time writing about BOOOORING gay shit! Ta Ha & Straight Edge Boy You might want … Read More »

Conduct Unbecoming

I have sex toys that I’ve only used once or twice. I can’t return them, but I can’t bring myself to throw them away. Is there a secondhand market? Waste Not, Want Orgasm “Sadly, there is no official sex toy exchange,” said Dr. Carol Queen, staff sexologist at Good Vibrations in San Francisco. “Many people … Read More »

Bug Chasers

I went on to the Drudge Report today and read this: “MAG: 25% OF NEW HIV-INFECTED GAY MEN SOUGHT OUT VIRUS, SAYS SAN FRAN HEALTH OFFICIAL.” Is there any truth to this? I sincerely hope that it’s not true and that Matt Drudge’s “journalist” badge is revoked! Can’t Trust Drudge Sorry, CTD, but we can’t … Read More »

Blue Movies

I really need some insight from someone I don’t have to look in the face! I’m a young actor who is trying to get some info on the behind-the-scenes etiquette of filming a sex scene. (Cable-series sex, not adult-movie sex.) I’ve done theater and some extra work in film, but up to now I’ve never … Read More »


Usually, I love your open, honest, thoughtful advice, but what you said to Momma Violates Poppa, the sexually frustrated pregnant woman whose husband won’t sleep with her, was as cruel as what her husband’s doing to her. Yes, it’s possible that her husband’s just plain not turned on. But no sex with the love of … Read More »

Bad Tranny

I am a single parent with a wonderful 15-year-old son. My son’s father, my ex, is a gay man. We’ve accepted this and we love him dearly, but there are issues affecting my son that my ex is ignoring. My ex has also been diagnosed with HIV. This was heartbreaking news for all of us. … Read More »

What You Don’t Want

I was watching Dr. Phil on television the other day with my wife. He was talking to a woman who discovered, after marrying her husband, that he was a crossdresser, or at least had crossdressing tendencies. Dr. Phil counseled the woman to leave the man because of his “perversion,” and told her that no one … Read More »