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Savage Love Archives for 2002

Holiday Hell

A few weeks back I invited readers to share their most horrifying true stories of desperate and/or depressing holiday sex. As promised, the author of the best horrifying true story of holiday sex–as determined by me and me alone–wins a $75 Toys in Babeland gift certificate. See if you can spot the winner before you … Read More »

Don’t Tell Mommy

I am a 22-year-old virgin going to college in Texas. I have never had a girlfriend (I’m from a stupid foreign culture, my mom doesn’t allow dating, etc.), and will wind up in an arranged marriage in two years. What point is there for me to get in a relationship when I’m destined for an … Read More »

Functional Dysfunction

[Savage is on vacation this week. Here is “Classic Savage Love,” a column that originally ran in June of 1957, the year he won his first Pulitzer Prize–Eds.] I’m a man in my mid-30s, and I just started dating after the end of a five-year relationship. The last three dates I’ve had have been with … Read More »

Ann Advises On

A coworker and I share a huge amount of sexual energy. The primary issue is that he’s 17 and I’m closer to 30. My attraction to him is likely related to a (mild) distrust of men, an issue I’m working through with a therapist. I’m not interested in a relationship, and I’m sure that, at … Read More »

Not Gay

I wanted to respond to the advice you gave to Tried Not to Fall, the closeted gay guy who was in love with his straight roommate. You advised TNTF to tell his straight roommate how he felt. I am in the straight roommate’s shoes, Dan. I believe my roommate is gay and, judging by the … Read More »

Short & Stupid

I’m a successful guy with a beautiful wife who is a successful executive herself. About two years ago I had a seriously stupid affair with an attractive woman at my firm. It lasted six weeks, and then my wife busted us. She did the usual and threw my sorry ass out of the house; I … Read More »

Spineless Canadians

I need your advice. My parents are bugging me to come home for Thanksgiving. The thing is, as a kid I always hated holidays. No, I loved holidays–what I hated was my parents. Growing up, I was ignored on holidays except when my mom would order me to wait on my brothers and dad. As … Read More »

Chickenshit, Sissymaid, O’Reilly

I’m in college and I live with my best friend. He and I tell each other almost everything… except he doesn’t know that I’m bi. What complicates things further is that I am completely in love with him. He’s straight and oblivious. Everyone says that you can’t “convert” someone… but… I’m wondering if he has … Read More »

Back to Work

Tell you what, Dan. IF YOU DO YOUR JOB AND ANSWER SOME FUCKING QUESTIONS, all of your readers promise to run out and buy your book and make it a bestseller. But if you keep BORING us with the details of your BORING book tour, NONE of us will buy your book! No more BULLSHIT … Read More »

No Advice

You probably get lots of e-mails from hopefuls wanting to become advice columnists, but I thought I would ask anyway: How does one become a successful advice columnist? I believe that I have something to offer. I give advice to friends and family, and I’m sure that there are many other people out there who … Read More »

Religious Jackasses

I was surprised you didn’t mention the hilarious article in USA Today about the latest crusade launched by the religious jackasses down there in the United States. Apparently some conservative Christian groups in your country are pressing big hotel chains to drop pay-per-view porn from their in-room amenities. The way things are going, you Americans … Read More »

Daughters and Dildos

Thank you so much for advising that whacked-out, sexually ignorant mother to buy her daughter a dildo! As a former sex worker (I was a stripper at the fabulous Lusty Lady in San Francisco as well as a pro-domme in a lovely Bay Area house of domination), I understand intimately the ability of parents to … Read More »

Healthy and Natural

This is a fairly embarrassing situation for myself and my husband–I hope you will consider helping. Not too long ago, we came home from a night at the theater and found my 14-year-old daughter “experimenting” with one of my dildos. Needless to say, we were both mortified. My husband quickly exited the room and left … Read More »

Dirty Talk

Whenever we are making love, my girlfriend begs me to say “sexy things” to her. I have no clue as to what she means or what to say. She tells me she’s turned on by “dirty” talk. Can you please give me some examples of sexy things to say, or tell me where I can … Read More »

Amateurs and Pedophiles

My marriage of nearly 30 years is grinding to a slow and painful death. Due to the fact that my wife had her tubes tied before I met her, I have never used a condom in my life. My question: When I am going to have casual sex with a woman, when do I put … Read More »

Stupid People

When I was in the ninth and 10th grades, I had no friends and I felt alone. When I entered the 11th grade I started to hang with “cool” kids. Before school let out last summer, some of my friends came over to my house for a party. My uncle and his boyfriend showed up, … Read More »

Meet Brent from Miami

I have a problem that I have to deal with and I don’t know who else to turn to. My girlfriend and I have been toying with the idea of marriage, but a few weeks ago I left the country, and I got back yesterday. She told me that she cheated on me twice with … Read More »

Furry Fury II

I don’t expect you’ll print my letter, since it’s just one more irate letter from a “furry freak.” Besides, you’ve already passed your judgment (to wit: furries are “sick” because… well, apparently because we exist). But just for the record: Furries don’t like it when some media wag looks down his nose at us and … Read More »

Furry Fury

You cast “furries” in a bad light. Whatever your research indicated, “furries” and “furry fandom” arose out of a love for anthropomorphized (i.e., talking) animals, anything from Yogi Bear to Disney’s Robin Hood to Planet of the Apes. Just about every major science-fiction convention used to have a “furry” party, where people of like interest … Read More »

Spelling Bee

I’ve been dating this man for about five months and he eats the nastyst shit in the world. Every night it’s crap like wopers and fries or he’ll buy a stake from the most gheto supermarkit he can find and eat it like it’s his last meal. He is fat and it grosses me out … Read More »

Furry Friends

When I firststarting dating my boyfriend, he told me he was a furry. I didn’t have any idea what he meant, so he explained to me that he really wanted a costume that was basically paws, a tail, and maybe some other catlike features, and he wanted to have sex while wearing this costume. I’m … Read More »


Well, well, well. Dan Savage gets all squirmy and horrified about incest. You came down pretty hard on PLEASE HELP! for having sex with his sister. But can you tell me why incest is any more horrifying than male homosexuality? At least incestuous intercourse follows the natural function of the sexual organs! You may reply … Read More »

Decision 2002

FINALLY! Barring any last-minute technological glitches, Savage Love readers will be able to vote in the “My Man Sure Looks Hot in His Tighty-Whities Contest” when the cyber polling-place opens this Friday, July 26, at 9:00 a.m. Eastern Standard Time. But before I reveal the address of the website where civic-minded readers can cast their … Read More »

Sizzlin’ Sibs

I’m a 19-year-old guy with a big problem. I have an 18-year-old sister who is very nice and very good-looking. We have been in love for two years. Our parents do not know. My problem is that she might be pregnant. If she is, we want to get married. Do we hide this from our … Read More »

Dan Loves Paul

I am an attractive25-year-old female and I often fantasize about having sex with two men at once. The guys I’ve dated wouldn’t even consider it. But perhaps it is best to do this with strangers in case I feel like it was a huge mistake afterward and never want to see them again. I am … Read More »

Family Relations

Last weekend I visited my second cousin. We’ve been close since childhood. We would spend two weeks a year together every year, and those days constitute some of my happiest memories. During my visit to her home, we admitted that we had childhood crushes on each other. By the end of the night, we were … Read More »

Butting In

I am a 21-year-old college studentsharing an apartment with a guy who’s been my best friend for a long time. We get along well and are very compatible roommates, but an incident two weeks ago has jeopardized all that. I’ve been dating a wonderful girl whom I’ll call Jennifer. Jennifer and I have sex a … Read More »

Behind the Scenes

Every week I readyour column. I figure that since we, your loyal readers, tell you so much about ourselves and our sex lives, it would only be fair if you told us more about yourself and your sex life. So what do you like in bed? What turns you on? What do you look like? … Read More »

Tighty Whitie Riot

Last week youtold Suffering Latent “Underpants” Trauma, a.k.a. SLUT, that men look good in tighty-whities. WRONG! If you like men in those horrible-Homer-Simpson-retarded-white things, Dan, you’re a FREAKING retard. As a straight woman who is outspoken on this subject, I know I am not alone when I say that men look RIDICULOUS (even hairless gay … Read More »

In Brief

I am a 21-year-old girl who is very much in love with a 24-year-old boy. When we first met, he was very sexual and easy to please. We had a lot of fun back in the day. But now, almost two years later, he is seriously lacking lust. I have to BEG him for sex. … Read More »

Dick Dilemmas

I was surfing through some porn and I ended up at one of those webcam screenshot galleries. Basically people talk girls into getting naked on regular cam chats, and take a bunch of screen shots to send to a site that has tons of galleries. Anyway, I’m pretty sure one of the galleries has my … Read More »

On the Straight and Narrow

Dear Readers: As promised, this week’s column is packed with letters from straight guys who don’t want to suck dick. Enjoy. I’m a hetero guy who wears thong underwear. I don’t volunteer this information, but in those weird group situations when people ask, I tell the truth. So what is this “real men don’t wear … Read More »


Why are you so reluctant to let anyone be bi? You have all these people writing to you saying they’re straight but like members of their own sex, but you never say, “Hey, maybe you’re bi.” You’re awfully quick to affirm their self-image as either gay or straight (Wanna Be Cock Sucker in last week’s … Read More »

Straight Suckers

I’m a straight male who wants to suck some cock. I don’t want anything else, just to suck someone else’s dick. I want this to be very discreet, and absolutely safe. I don’t want anyone to know I did this, and I also don’t want any diseases. Any suggestions? Wanna Be Cock Sucker Like all … Read More »

Dirty Daddy

I’m a 25-year-old student living with my wife at my dad’s place. My parents got divorced a couple of years ago (Dad had an affair), and my wife lost her job about four months ago. My dad graciously offered to let us stay with him for a few months. The other day, I had the … Read More »

Drips & Crips

On more than one occasion I’ve been grabbed by the hair and pulled up for a big post-cunnilingus kiss, but my face is dripping wet and I feel uncomfortable just laying a sloppy one on the girl without first wiping my face off on the sheet. Nothing was said by the girls, but I felt … Read More »

Hard Times

I just read your response to Disabled Dilemma, the man who was trying to find a girlfriend for his disabled friend. You told DD that his disabled friend should “reconcile himself to being alone.” I’m not sure how to react. Part of me wants to call you a cold, mean-spirited fuck. The other part of … Read More »


I’m a big fat liar! I’m 24 years old and still a virgin. Only my high-school friends know this. I’ve lied to all my college friends and everyone thereafter. I’m a decent-looking guy, just never got laid, not even a blowjob–hell, I have practically no sexual experience. I have some really good friends now and … Read More »


I am an 18-year-old lesbian. My girlfriend of two years is 17. We have not had sex, however, which by my definition is making each other come by whatever means. She is willing to touch me, but she prefers that I not touch her. She was assaulted when she was 15, and the guy turned … Read More »

Freaks & Geeks

Aaaaargh! Do you really want to go prancing around Las Vegas with the kind of loser that could win your impossible plagiarism contest? I went online to figure out who you plagiarized, thinking it would only take a day or two to track down the authors of the responses in your plagiarized column. Twelve hours … Read More »

Toy Time

As my most trusted source of sex advice, can you recommend a good sex shop? I’d prefer not to go to the weird-ass porno shops, as they’re frequented by scuzzy old men. As strange as it may sound, I need a “respectable” establishment, as I’ll be taking my Iowa girlfriend with me. I recall that … Read More »

For Doris…

Hey, Everybody: After I stuck a sexual fantasy of my own into the column–Brad Pitt coming all over Ashton Kutcher’s face–a reader suggested that I devote an entire column to my readers’ sexual fantasies. Upping the ante, I decided to have a sexual-fantasy contest, with prizes going to readers whose sexual fantasies were selected for … Read More »

Asking & Telling

I am a 29-year-old gay male, and I have a problem. There’s a guy at my office who is absolutely gorgeous, but I don’t know if he’s gay. I don’t have very much contact with him, because we are in different departments. He does gives off “gay” signals, though: He wears a pair of hoop … Read More »

Eat It!

Hey, Everybody: I’m on vacation, and this column is a repeat–but a very, very special repeat. I recently told a woman who signed herself “Confused” that it was unreasonable for her not to give a few blowjobs to save her marriage. The mail has been pouring in ever since, from angry women (and their fathers), … Read More »


Dear Readers: I’m taking a couple of weeks off, enjoying some of America’s travel destinations. Please enjoy this thoroughly disgusting column from the archives… If one were to make cheese from human breast milk, what commercially available cheese would be its closest relation in taste and texture? SF The overwhelming majority of commercially available cheeses … Read More »

Butch It Up, Bro

Hi! I’m a straight guy, but I have a lot of stereotypically “gay” qualities, i.e., I’m sensitive and caring, and I like shopping, cooking, and Madonna. I developed a lot of these qualities because that’s what I thought women wanted in a man. But ever since I can remember I’ve always had problems attracting women. … Read More »

Seize the Day

I read your advice to 17-year-old HARD–telling him to avoid a threesome because his “gut” told him not to do it–with alarm. Maybe gay men are regularly given the chance to pick and choose amongst threesomes, but young HARD won’t be so lucky. Being a heterosexual male, I can speak from actual experience–and regret. I … Read More »

Spit It Out

I’m 22 years old and I am NOT ashamed of who I am. I’m just afraid. I know my parents love me, but on more than one occasion they have made their dislike for “fags” rather obvious. I’d hate to see their reaction if they were to discover that their only son is one. I … Read More »


I am a Muslim whose family is very conservative. I am afraid of what might happen if a certain relative finds some pornographic home videos I made. It all started with an older woman I used to date. She thought it would be fun to make sexy videos with a computer webcam. I made several … Read More »

Poor Man’s Bidet

After dating this woman for a couple of months, I began to suspect that she was a bed wetter. There was the occasional smell of urine in her bedroom and she was reluctant to spoon with me. After changing my sheets the other day I noticed an unwelcome stain on my bed. She was obviously … Read More »

Baby Games

I’m in a crisis. I am dating a man who is kind, considerate, and mature, and sexy to boot. The only problem is that he’s had a vasectomy, and I want kids–I want kids real bad. He says he would consider reversing his little nip and tuck, but it’s not as if he’s made any … Read More »

Snoopers & Dolts

Over the last few years, my father has spent countless hours holed up in his study on the computer. Because he’s such a boring person, it was a big family joke that he was probably looking at porn. It wasn’t until a recent family vacation when my sister borrowed our dad’s laptop that we learned … Read More »