America’s longest-running sex-advice column!

“Savage Love” is America’s longest running sex advice column. A new column is posted every Tuesday. Become a Magnum Sub for access to the full column and the Struggle Session posted every Thursday!

Savage Love Archives for 2009

Assholes and Gasholes

Set me straight. I married my wife several months ago after dating three years. Things are generally excellent, except for one problem: When my wife gets drunk, she gets crazy flirtatious. She’ll dance close to people, touch them, hold hands. A couple of times, I thought it went too far and I told her so. … Read More »

Gift Parade

I’m a woman who wants to be spanked. But I’m overweight and self-conscious. Men who like to spank women like to spank petite women. Sometimes I’ll search kinky personal sites or other online forums and find someone who might want to spank me. But I get scared and I back out. Most recently, I’ve been … Read More »


I’ve been married four years and have a beautiful baby boy with my husband. I enjoy sex a lot, even a bit of BDSM. My husband, on the other hand, isn’t “driven by sex,” as he likes to put it, and will try tying me up if that’s what I “really want.” You’d think if … Read More »

Cold Feet

I am a 23-year-old male who has been in a relationship with a great woman for four years now. She is an amazing person, and we oftentimes talk about marriage. The issue is this: I have a foot fetish and she is fully aware of it. She doesn’t like the idea of me kissing her … Read More »

The Good Girl

I’m a longtime reader who thought I’d never have a reason to write since I’m universally known as the “good girl.” I have a close male friend. Even though I knew he was dating someone else, we became friends-with-benefits several years ago. Because of his relationship (and the fact that he lives with her!), sometimes … Read More »

Crossing Over

I am a 29-year-old single straight man. Over the past year, I have become very close friends with a gay man close to my age. We have a blast hanging out, and I value our friendship. Four months ago, he told me that he had developed romantic feelings for me and said he needed a … Read More »

Co-Workers of the World

I am a happily married, happily nonmonogamous male. We are not wild swinger types. For us it’s more about the fact that monogamy does not work than about nailing everything that walks by. Anyway, I have encountered an odd situation a few times now, and again last night, where I’ll be flirting with a potential … Read More »

Mad Men

I am a 30-year-old woman, married for five years to a man eight years my senior. Lately I have become more aware that I am turned on by the idea of bondage, specifically men locked up in chastity devices. I am ashamed because it seems pretty perverse and disturbed. My husband is a pretty dominant … Read More »

Girl Seeking Girl

I’m a 20-year-old girl, and I’ve been dating my boyfriend, who is 23, for two years. From the get-go, he has known that I am bi, and like most straight guys, he’s happy to be with a girl who likes girls. The thing is, I am too shy to go out and hit on a … Read More »

Moral Bankrupt

I’m a 67-year-old woman, almost 68, who has been married four times—once widowed (with three kids in their 40s who’ve turned out pretty well), divorced three times. I recently met someone online: 48, a wealthy, educated man with two boys, 12 and 14. He lives the cuckoldt lifestyle and is looking for a woman to … Read More »

Plunge In

I’m a straight teenage male, but I can’t climax unless I am stimulating my anus or rectum. I use various objects like cucumbers. The reason I don’t buy a toy is that I live in a very religious household and my parents would disown me if they found a sex toy in my room. I … Read More »

Feeding Time

I’m a 25-year-old girl dating a 26-year-old guy. My boyfriend identifies as sexually submissive. He likes to be tied up, put in women’s underwear, and locked in a chastity device, and he has a strong urge to please. I hate the term, but I suppose you could call me a “feeder.” I am turned on … Read More »

Hets: Get Married

My partner and I have a dilemma. We’re a straight couple and we want to hold a ceremony to make public our commitment. That said, we support marriage equality and are considering joining the marriage boycott (www.unmarried.org) until DOMA is repealed and every state allows gay marriage. Our friends and family say we should marry … Read More »

No Homo

About a month ago, I got drunk and slept with my friend’s girlfriend. (He’s not my best friend, more of a second-tier friend.) We both swore never to tell anyone and left it at that. Only problem is, we’ve been hanging out a lot lately and sending private messages to each other multiple times a … Read More »

Santorum Runs

You are known as an arbiter of all aspects of sex and especially definitions, and we are seeking your definitive opinion. My wife and I were recently regaling each other with anecdotes from our past, and she easily had the most interesting story: It seems that when she was a young woman in college, a … Read More »

Porn Again

My boyfriend and I have been living together for a year. He knows I am an insecure person when it comes to my body. I’m not overweight, I’ve been told my whole life how good-looking I am, and my boyfriend tells me he loves my body. We have an active sex life. Here is my … Read More »

Maladjusted Shits

As a 43-year-old single gay guy, I recently had my first spanking experience and am feeling extreme self-loathing. I was in a long-term vanilla relationship for most of my adult life and never got to experience anything kinky, but I’ve had an interest in it. Long story short, I answered an online ad, went to … Read More »

Sorority Girls

I love my boyfriend of three years, but I fucked up. We’ve had our ups and downs—he broke up with me for two months last summer because he said he was “young and needs to feel free”—but we’ve always worked through things. He is super supportive of me, and we’ve both really grown a lot … Read More »

Thank You

There was a letter in your column recently that must have been painful for you to receive. I refer to the letter signed God Hates You. I’m sure you’re no stranger to hate mail, being an openly gay sex-advice columnist, but I hope you get fan mail too. But just in case: I wanted you … Read More »

Peace of Meat

I just turned 20 and have been out of the closet for a year. A lesbian friend wants to hook me up with her gay friend, let’s call him Kyle, a cute, fit boy who runs track and does theater. The issue is, he’s just 17 and starting his senior year in high school, while … Read More »

Gasoline and the Match

Do you think post-op transgender people have any obligation to tell their lovers they were once the other sex? On The Fence Yes. I’m in my 40s and straight. My wife of nine years is no longer interested in sex. Period. I haven’t had a blowjob in about eight years, I can’t touch her beautiful … Read More »

Skin-to-Skin Contact

I met my girlfriend about three months ago on a social-networking website. The pictures made her look attractive and in shape. We texted each other nonstop for the first three months. This past weekend we met, and she didn’t look anything like her pictures. However, we did still have sex twice. I’m about to start … Read More »

Only the Lonely

This question comes from a point of real frustration. I’m a 26-year-old straight guy. Due to my being overweight, awkward, and generally unable to attract women I’m actually interested in, I have only been sexually intimate with prostitutes and women of low caliber. I have never been able to sustain an erection during intercourse. I’ve … Read More »

Word of Mouth

I’m a straight guy, and my first girl was very experienced—she was proud to say she’d been with at least 30 guys before me. When all was said and done, she said that I was the most well-endowed of any man she’d seen before. In all my subsequent experiences, the women I’ve been with have … Read More »

Pray Away

You were recommended to me by an acquaintance familiar with your column and podcast. I am a 20-year-old male, and as such have certain desires that almost all 20-year-old males have (desires of a sexual nature). However, I am deeply religious. Religion has been for me a source of strength in my times of weakness, … Read More »

Humpday at Harvard Exit

Here’s a hypothetical for you: You’ve been corresponding with a young man who lives in Paris. You know him through a friend in France, and your friend has vetted him. He has offered to pay more than half of your airfare so that you can visit him in Paris. You’ve spoken to him on the … Read More »

Take a Hike

I’m a 25-year-old straight female. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a few months, but we fell in love fast and I want to make this last. However, he doesn’t turn me on. It has nothing to do with looks—he’s GORGEOUS—but rather with the fact that I am submissive and like things rough (rape fantasies, … Read More »

Face Time

I am a fairly successful man. I don’t make bank like Wall Streeters back in the day, but I haven’t been hungry since college. My girlfriend is younger. We met when she was in grad school. Like many recent grads, she’s not steadily employed, in debt, and driving an unsafe car. So I support her, … Read More »

The Euro

I’m going to say up front that I’m a complete and total asshole. I have been with my current boyfriend for about three years and we are living together. About a year ago, our relationship started to go bad when I found out I was pregnant and ended up having an abortion. Every time I … Read More »

Shock and Ew

I am a 28-year-old straight woman who has been dating a 24-year-old straight male for two months. Recently, I gave him oral sex while he was seated naked on my couch. The next day, as I went to sit on the couch, I noticed a brown stain on the cushion that looked highly suspicious. I … Read More »

Wedded Miss

My boyfriend and I have been together eight months. We love each other, and I see us spending our lives together. At least I did, until something he said a few days ago. Long story short, for the last five months he’s brought up marriage. Then a few days ago he informed me that he … Read More »

Rape Relief

I have a problem with my happiness; he is a wonderful man who has a beauty that overwhelms me; we have a beautiful home; I am monogamous for the first time in a decade. But I just learned that I am the spitting image of a man in jail for raping my boyfriend. He says … Read More »

Opinions Are Like Slog Commenters

Dear Readers: Your faith in my counsel and willingness to take me into your confidence moves and humbles me. The seriousness with which I approach this work would normally prevent me from turning your letters over to a bunch of drunks in a bar. But when Slog Happy, our monthy happy hour for readers of … Read More »


Over the past few years, my husband and I have realized that he has needs that I cannot meet. I do not begrudge him these needs, and I would fill them if I could. I want him to be happy and satisfied, not just for him, but for myself as well. We discussed opening our … Read More »

Bliss Con

My 14-year-old son just came out to me. He has a slightly older boyfriend, and they’re going to the school dance on Saturday night. I am adjusting to a truth I had long suspected. I am worried, though, that my son will get hurt. We live in the South—North Carolina—but our town has a gay … Read More »

That’s Leotarded

Stop using the word “retarded” as an insult, Dan. I know it can be hard to break a verbal habit, but make an effort. Perhaps you should have a “retard jar” that you put a dollar in every time you use the word. When the jar is full, send the money to the Special Olympics. … Read More »

Hump! 5

I’m a 32-year-old, very attractive, very fit SWM living in NYC. I’m well-read and well-spoken. I march to the beat of my own drum. Friends tell me that my personality is intense. I’m extremely idealistic, and I count myself as a romantic. I’m interested in an intense and consuming love affair with a woman. But … Read More »

Hot Roommate Cam

My roommate is astoundingly hot. Her room is being repaired (the ceiling fell in), and, at her request, I’m letting her and her boyfriend sleep in my room while I take the couch. I’ve been able to contain my attraction just fine up to now, but the minute she entered my space I had this … Read More »

Inside Job

I recently discovered, accidentally, while moving things out of my 16-year-old son’s room prior to a renovation, a cache of my sex toys that had mysteriously disappeared over the past year. While I’ve wondered how it was possible to misplace a glow-in-the-dark crucifix-shaped dildo (complete with Jesus in relief), it never dawned on me that … Read More »

Craig’s Last Hit

I hope you address the recent rough-play-gone-bad death of New York City radio newsman George Weber. According to reports, Weber met a guy on Craigslist for “violent sex,” and the guy stabbed Weber to death. It’s a reminder that if you have these kinds of fantasies—Weber wanted to be bound and abused—you’re better off doing … Read More »

Deep Thought

The two things that I dig most on a woman are a nice big pair of… swim fins. Some of my earliest sexual fantasies revolve around Jacqueline Bisset in The Deep. It’s frustrating to have such a bizarre fetish. There is a small subculture devoted to scuba fetishism on the internet, but it’s a total … Read More »

Rape Date

I met this girl on an “adult” website. We exchanged a few e-mails, then we chatted over IM twice, just the basic small talk, before exchanging numbers. It was on the phone that she told me about her rape fantasy: She has always fantasized about being kidnapped by a stranger from a public place, held … Read More »


My husband and I have been together for about four years and have been married for a little over a year. He’s 31; I’m 27. We started out as friends and soon began a long-distance relationship, until I got pregnant. We have a great friendship, and honestly I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. … Read More »

Bad Attitude

I have lived with my boyfriend for almost two years. He says he loves me and does a lot of loving things for me. We are both in our early 60s, but we have the sexual energy of 20-year-olds. Here’s the problem: I am overweight (size 18). I was overweight when he met me. I … Read More »

More Than a Mouthful

My boyfriend of 16 months and I have a great relationship. He loves my blowjobs, but he will not kiss me if I have his come in my mouth. It grosses him out. We have talked about this, and he won’t even try. I have no problem if he kisses me after going down on … Read More »

This Is Our Youth

I dropped by four large universities last week—University of Lethbridge, State University of New York–Albany, University of Maryland, and University of Alaska-Anchorage—to do “Savage Love Live,” the college-speaking-gig version of my sex-advice column. I enjoyed visiting all four campuses and, as ever, learned a few things out on the road. (Brinking? Who knew?) People submit … Read More »

Free Spirit, My Ass

Recently, I celebrated my first year of marriage to the most amazing man. When we first began dating, he told me that he enjoys open sexuality and wants swinging to be part of any partnership he’s in. I regard myself as free-spirited and agreed to explore this with him. We delayed experimentation because I had … Read More »

Hurtful Questions

My girlfriend and I are into male-orgasm denial. We’ve recently tried putting Orajel on my cock and then covering it with two condoms so she can use me as a dildo without me getting off or even feeling anything. It works great. Is there any chance of long-term health issues if we do this once … Read More »


Please settle a difference of opinion that stumped our small group at the coffee shop: Why do guys wear socks on their feet in porn? I say it’s a tradition. My friends claim it is a foot-fetish thing. My credibility rides on this. Socked In Denver Socks in porn a tradition? Sorry, SID, but no. … Read More »

Buzz Kill

I love the wife I married two years ago, but she absolutely can’t come unless she uses a vibrator on herself. She’s asked me to let her use it during sex or for me to use it on her, but I’ve refused. It’s bad enough knowing I can’t compete with that thing without having to … Read More »


 I’m going to Barack Obama’s inauguration in Washington, D.C., on January 20. I’ve spent eight years, one month, one week, and one day waiting for this. (But who’s counting?) However, I am looking for suggestions for a respectful way to protest the participation of Rick Warren. As a lifelong Episcopalian, I really don’t want … Read More »

That’s Rape

I’m an 18-year-old straight female. Two nights ago, I went to a party. My ex-boyfriend was present, but my current boyfriend was not. I had several beers, and while I wasn’t drunk, I was tipsy. I had to go to my car to get my cell phone, and my ex offered to accompany me. When … Read More »