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Savage Love Archives for 2004

Miss Savage Regrets

Any regrets about 2004? One Concerned Dude Regrets? I’ve had a few. But thanks to short- and long-term memory loss (I drove a nail into my own head in fourth grade–really), I couldn’t recall any. So just for you, OCD, I pulled the last 52 installments of Savage Love from the vaults and read through … Read More »

No Shit?

I’m a woman in an LTR. Recently I had a discussion about anal sex with my guy. Knowing that I was a little nervous, he was GGG and let me experiment on him first. Well, it worked out great, and we both found pleasure in anal play. However, last time I was fingering him, I … Read More »

Expert, Schmexpert

My girlfriend and I have been together for two years but we are not sexually compatible. Her ideal amount of sex would be twice a month. For me the number is closer to once a day. We’ve reached a compromise that usually comes out to three times a week, but that number leaves her feeling … Read More »

Payback Time

Gentle Readers: If there’s ever been any doubt about how seriously I take my responsibilities, this column should lay ’em to rest. Not only am I sharing my advice-giving duties this week–note the dual byline, above–my co-advisor, Jill C., is paying to play. Last year I agreed to auction off a chance to give advice … Read More »

Headless Hints

Dear Readers: A few weeks back I printed a letter from Mutilated and Comeless (MAC), a 24-year-old who lost the head of his penis–the glans–in a botched circumcision as an infant. MAC hasn’t had an orgasm since he was 16 years old, and the few women he’s slept with as an adult either didn’t notice … Read More »

The X-Man

I am a female university student who has a question of etiquette. There is a girl I’ve seen around campus who I recognize from a few years ago… when “Jane” was a guy. I am positive that it is the same person because she still has the same face and I’ve heard that this person … Read More »

Back to Sex

When did your sex advice column become a political column? That’s not why I read your column. Please get back to what you do best: fetish sex advice. Get back to peggers and piss drinkers. If I find anything about politics in your column next week, I am done with you. I want info and … Read More »

Buyer’s Remorse

I am sunk into a depression over the election results. I started out Anyone But Bush but actually came to LIKE John Kerry, which makes his defeat even harder. I feel like I am looking at four years of prison and share this country with a pack of baboons. Everywhere I look I see that … Read More »


After much trial and error, it has become abundantly clear to me that I am a lesbian. My problem is that I am having a lot of trouble meeting women. I tried dating a friend of mine, but that turned out terribly. I am sick of meeting people in bars, seeing as how bars only … Read More »

Cut & Uncut for Kerry

I have a serious problem. I am pregnant with a boy. At first my husband and I were in agreement that we would not circumcise him. I have read that the foreskin is comparable to a clit–all the nerves and stuff that make sex more pleasurable. But now my husband says he has changed his … Read More »

Oh, Canada!

I am an 18-year-old student. I have trust issues. I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months now and he’s very supportive. I am not a jealous person or a controlling head case because I have no problem with him going to bars/clubs with friends, going to parties when other girls are there, having … Read More »

Eventually No Means No

I’m a 35-year-old straight male and my sex drive is all but dead. I find sex tedious and repulsive. The odors of sex disgust me; I find the grunts and positions absurd. Lately, whenever I meet a woman I immediately size her up: Is her skin leathery? What about cellulite? Weight distribution? Stained teeth? Arm … Read More »

Saudi Boy Toy

I am a Middle Eastern guy who lived 21 years of my life in that region. This year I came to Canada. The sexual freedom in this country makes you feel more and more inclined to have sex with a girlfriend. Lately, I met this girl on an Internet chat. She said she has a … Read More »

Vocabulary Lesson

Dear Readers: The resident word freak at NPR’s The Next Big Thing–the lovely and talented Erin McKean–regularly challenges writers to use words that might otherwise disappear into obsolescence. In awe of my success at injecting santorum into the sexual lexicon, McKean invited little ol’ me on the program and asked me to revive three extinct … Read More »

Beat Me

I broke up with a long-term girlfriend about two years ago. Last week, while totally drunk, I thought that it would be a great idea to see whether I could still log into her e-mail account, since we told each other our usernames and passwords way back when. (Yes, I know that I’m going straight … Read More »

Slippery Slopes

PLEASE HELP ME. My husband gets off on the voyeur thing. It started out with him watching me and masturbating while I was unaware of his presence. Soon I was wearing daisy dukes at the door (about to come myself!) and writing out a check for the pizza delivery guy while my husband hid. I’ve … Read More »

With a Bang

I’m not sure what to do. I’ve had a fetish for straitjackets since I was 15 years old. I’m now 35. I’ve only told two girlfriends about it and absolutely no one else. The last one went along with it just to please me; my current wants no part of it. Problem is, I feel … Read More »

Goofy Girls

Dear Readers: Last week we were treated to the childhood sexual misconceptions of my male readers–a shocking number of which involved piss. This week it’s the girls’ turn…. My grandma on my dad’s side liked to come in while I was sitting on the toilet, doing number two, and tell me, “That’s how your mommy … Read More »


Dear Readers: A few weeks back, Laughing at Myself Now suggested that I ask my readers to send in letters detailing their childhood misconceptions about sex. It sounded like a good way to lighten my workload, allowing me to get out of the office and enjoy some of this global warming stuff I’ve been hearing … Read More »

Bread Basket Case

I am a 26-year-old gay guy with a strange fetish. Mine feels like it’s the strangest one out there because I’ve never read anything about it anywhere. Consequently, I’ve always felt embarrassed and ashamed. Even before I was consciously aware of my attractions to guys, I’ve been aroused by bread. My sexual attraction to men … Read More »

New Cocksuckers

Visiting my home state, I went to a favorite store where folks buy porn, buy sex toys, or sit in “private” booths and watch XXX videos. It’s always crawling with gay men, such as myself, looking for sex. In the parking lot I ran into my stepfather of 12 years, a man who married my … Read More »

Fetish a Go-Go

I’ve always had a fantasy of playing with the limp body of an extremely beautiful woman who is pretending to be dead. Real death grosses me out. I’ve never had a problem meeting girls, but sometimes I have to visualize my fantasy to stay hard. I achieved my first orgasm watching horror movies and I’ve … Read More »

What a Butt Needs

Are porn performers who take it in the ass all on drugs? Every girl I’ve tried it with (all of them willing, mind you) wails in pain and declares the ass unpassable! Are porno bottoms, male and female, all coked out of their minds or something? Seems like they’d have to be to take those … Read More »

Admit it Already

I’m a 28-year-old guy. When I make out with a girl, I produce lots of pre-come. It is often so much that my pants get wet. And it’s tons worse if there’s petting involved. This can be very embarrassing, especially if we’re in public. I’ve gotten to the point where I’ll wear a pair of … Read More »

On the Racks

My fetish is unoriginal, but has been lacking attention in your column. I like bigger-than-your-head breasts. Could you find out why all the huge-breasted porn stars of the mid-’90s (Tiffany Towers, Wendy Whoppers) left the industry and why there aren’t any new ones replacing them? And more importantly, how do I find a partner that … Read More »

My So-Called Job

Tracking roughly the last year’s worth of Savage Love, I noticed that you have published a total of 37 of your readers’ letters. This works out to an average of 3.08 letters published in each column. How many letters do you receive each week, on average? I am really curious to know what the odds … Read More »

Kids Today

I wanted to let you know that your advice to DOM, the 29-year-old anxious to get it on with his legal-where-he-lives 16-year-old coworker was spot on. When I was 14, I had a very satisfying sexual relationship with a 24-year-old man. We met through some friends who were college-age. I pursued him for months. He … Read More »

Baggin’ It

I was talking with my Rush Limbaugh-quoting uncle and gay marriage came up. I told him that gay men and lesbians wanted nothing more than their human rights. I told him that telling part of the population that they can live as “partners” but not get married is separate and unequal. He responded by saying … Read More »

Shocking Developments

My boyfriend and I have Prince Alberts, enjoy sounding, and sometimes use Prince’s Wands. Recently, my boyfriend suggested that we try electro-stimulation, attaching electrodes to the ends of our sounds and butt plugs. But could we accidentally electrocute ourselves? Could the pleasure be so intense that it would spoil us for other things? Enjoys Sex … Read More »

Gazing at the Scars

I know this isn’t a sexy or even remotely enjoyable subject, but I could really use your advice. I’m an 18-year-old girl, though I can easily pass for 25. I’m pretty attractive (though I think everyone has things about them they would change), thin, and altogether relatively normal, although I graduated high school early. As … Read More »

Leaky Pipes

My problem starts when I get an erection. Within seconds my cock starts to dribble this clear, sticky liquid. This happens every time I get stiff. I guess I thought it was normal. I’ve had no other cock problems and sex has always been great and it all works like it should. None of my … Read More »


You ASSHOLE. I’m a large woman. I read your two incredibly offensive columns about “girl love handles” and the supposed “health risks” of obesity. How dare you oppress women, large and small, with your judgments! Maybe if you enjoyed putting something in your mouth every once in a while that wasn’t cock, Mr. Skin and … Read More »

Hot & Hurtin’

I am in a fairly new relationship. We’ve been together a year. The sex is great but I worry that my guy will never be satisfied with just me. In his last relationship he had lots of girl-girl-guy threesomes. I am no prude and am glad that he had a great time with his ex … Read More »

Roll With It

You had to know letters would pour in from women pissed off at your blatantly fat-phobic, sexist response to Butter with Your Rolls, the man who thought “girl love handles” created by low-rise jeans were “revolting.” You agreed with him “100 percent,” and said that women “should get the obesity epidemic under control” if we … Read More »

Completely Stoned

I’m a relatively inexperienced 26-year-old young lady. I have basically spent the last four years celibate, in a dead-end relationship that I’m finally out of. Recently, I met a much older man, 41, who is extremely experienced and has had a history of being totally freaky (golden showers, porn, etc.). He’s got a pretty healthy … Read More »

Point and Giggle

Please tell women that low-rise jeans only look good on a handful of people. Whenever I go out, all I see is “girl love handles” (GLH) hanging over low-rise jeans. FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY, DAN! Someone needs to tell women who are overweight, tubby, fat, or just not properly proportioned to STOP wearing jeans … Read More »

The Crying Game

Ever since I started attending university and had full access to the Internet, I have developed a new fetish. I want to be treated like a baby. I have a girlfriend. We have been together for over three years now–almost as long as I have been reading your column. I want to tell her about … Read More »

I am a twentysomething legal female. For the longest time, I thought I was transgendered, as my build and tastes made me feel like a bisexual man in a woman’s body. (I’m 6’1″ and pass for male with ease.) Just recently I had it confirmed that I was actually born intersexed and “fixed” to be … Read More »

Finicky Clits

I’m a 23-year-old female. I always had big, amazing orgasms, from sex and oral sex. My sex life was perfect. I decided to get a vibrator, and my boyfriend and I started using it, which was also great. After a while, though, I stopped having orgasms. It got harder and harder for me to come. … Read More »

Need New Parts

I am a twentysomething legal female. For the longest time, I thought I was transgendered, as my build and tastes made me feel like a bisexual man in a woman’s body. (I’m 6’1″ and pass for male with ease.) Just recently I had it confirmed that I was actually born intersexed and “fixed” to be … Read More »

Touching and Stuff

Please excuse the lack of pussy farts and gay penguins in this e-mail, but it would be nice if you could help out a straight guy with a meat-and-potato problem every once in a while. My girlfriend is the most complete mattress-back I have ever encountered. She refuses to adopt any position that doesn’t involve … Read More »

Sluts & Butts

Early last year, my married girlfriend deployed to Iraq. Prior to her leaving she told me she was having problems with her husband. Being a good friend, I supported her. I learned via e-mail that she had fallen in love with another man. When she came home and asked her husband for a divorce, he … Read More »

Feathered Friends

As an avid reader of your column, I thought of you and only you for help with this problem. My grandmother, 78 and widowed, is a kind, generous woman who has seen her share of difficult times. She is a bit offbeat, but extremely conservative and religious. After my grandfather passed on, she purchased a … Read More »

Break Like the Wind

I just finished reading the letter from Forced Air Ruined the Sheets and frankly I’m shocked! Not at FARTS’ disgusting problem–a fart “went between the lips of [her] vagina” after sex–but shocked at you, Dan. Haven’t you ever heard of a pussy fart, Mr. Savage? Queefs? After all the pumping and squeezing of sex (especially … Read More »

Marry Me, Ron!

I know you don’t want to hear this, Dan, but marriage is about babies. By supporting the baby industry–i.e., hetero baby producers–our government keeps the country populated. Never–and I mean never–can two gay people produce a child on their own. Gay marriage is not necessary and takes energy away from hetero baby makin’. We married … Read More »

Gay Marriage, Explained

Can you explain gay marriage? I lost a friend who is a lesbian for expressing my view that marriage is meaningless. It seems to me that the point of gay marriage is to win official recognition that homos aren’t second-class citizens, that it would amount to a state-sanctioned “Gays are okay!” message. I’ve got no … Read More »

Girl Come & #1

When I was young, I naively assumed that since male orgasm was accompanied by ejaculation, female orgasm must be too. When I finally asked a friend about “girl come,” I was corrected. So for years I ignored talk of female ejaculation, just as I ignore talk of Bigfoot sightings. But now I’ve found myself wondering … Read More »

Come to the Bash!

Your advice to Femme Teasing Mask, the woman with a female-latex-mask-wearing boyfriend, was bullshit. You told her to break up with him, “[but] don’t tell him the real reason you’re leaving: Let him think that it’s not the crossdressing and the latex masks, but his breath or his fashion sense…. Leave him, just leave him … Read More »

The Masked Man

My boyfriend of four years enjoys wearing women’s clothing and acting like a submissive woman when we have sex. Nothing gets him off more. We have only just started exploring his fetish in the past year because he has been ashamed of it all his life. I have encouraged him so far and now we … Read More »

Santorum Abstains

I’m an 18-year-old senior in high school. I met a girl at a party one night and we ended up going out for about a month. During that time we never went further than me fingering her, because she didn’t want to. We had both had sex before, she with her boyfriend of eight months … Read More »

To the Truck Stop

Just out of curiosity, are you married yourself? Because if you are not, where do you get off telling married people how married sex should/could be? Amy K. Maybe you missed the reference to my boyfriend and the Finnish men’s swim team in last week’s column, Amy K., but I’m a huge homo. Which means, … Read More »


I am a massage girl–wink, wink–who provides men with happy endings. I enjoy porn–especially guy-on-guy porn–and I like to think of myself as very open. I am also happily married. Until recently. My husband is 36, handsome, 6’2″, well endowed, works out daily, and has an awesome body. For 14 years our sex life was … Read More »

Sweet’N Low

I have been with my husband for 4.5 years. I am currently very frustrated. My husband cannot maintain an erection while performing oral sex on me. He manually stimulates himself while giving me oral sex. I feel rejected, because shouldn’t the act of giving pleasure to someone you love and find attractive be pleasurable for … Read More »

New Year’s Sex Stories

Asked to share their favorite, fondest, and most cherished (sex-related) holiday experiences, my readers sent in so many uplifting, deeply moving, Chicken-Soup-for-the-Pervert’s-Soul stories that I couldn’t possibly fit them all into one column. Last week’s column was devoted to Christmas and Hanukkah stories; this week I’m giving over the column to my readers’ favorite, fondest, … Read More »