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Savage Love Archives for 2023

Struggle Session: The Succession Finale, The Underpants Wars, The Height Issue, and More!

Hey, everybody — welcome to the first post-shoulder-surgery Struggle Session. Typing is still a bit of a challenge, which is why this Struggle Session is going up so late in the day. And my comments will be brief. This week I’m mostly here to listen.

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Savage Love Bonus: Checking Back In With ChatGPT

AI technology has already taken some people’s jobs and could take more. Do I need to worry about AI taking my job? I fed some of my readers’ questions into ChatGPT back in January and asked the bot to reply to three questions “in the style of sex-advice columnist Dan Savage.” Could ChatGPT give better … Read More »

Appetite For Destruction

I’ve had a successful career as an artist and thousands follow my professional accounts on social media. My followers think they know me, but I am living a secret double life. What I’ve kept hidden is that I’m bisexual. I have hidden this fact from everyone: from my followers, from my family, and from the three … Read More »

Struggle Session: Time Capsules

Dear Readers: No Struggle Session again this week — but I’ll be back next week with a new column and a new Struggle Session. We’re going to flash back one more time to the early 90s with some questions from two early Savage Love columns. Reading these is like opening a time capsule — familiar … Read More »

How’s That?!

Dear Readers: One more from the deep archives! This column is from August 1997, back in the “Hey, Faggot” days, and features the birth of one of my readers’ favorite Savage Love-isms: “How’d That Happen?!” I’ll have a new column for you next week! HEY, FAGGOT: My girlfriend and I only see each other on … Read More »

Struggle Session: Flashback Column “Love and Death”

Dear Readers: No Struggle Session this week, as I’m still recovering from shoulder surgery. Instead, please enjoy this column from February 1995 — back when every letter opened with “Hey, Faggot.” (And back before our online archives start.) Much thanks to the Tech-Savvy, At-Risk Youth for digging through old print clippings! HEY, FAGGOT: My partner … Read More »

Wash It Away

Dear Readers: We’re rerunning some very early columns while I recover from shoulder surgery. This column is from February of 1999 — back in my “Hey, Faggot” days, and back before the online archives start. Enjoy! HEY, FAGGOT: I feel dirty. Not dirt that can be wiped away with a Wet Nap, but two-cans-of-Ajax kind … Read More »

Chick Lit

A lot of studying is being done on pornography and what it does to our brain. My question: are there any studies being done on erotic writing? “Women’s Romance Literature” is absolutely exploding in the online self-publishing sector, and my wife is an avid consumer. “Spice” is the euphemism they use but — wow — romance lit … Read More »

Struggle Session: Making the New York Times, Disappointing the Bis, Changing the Underpants, and More!

Welcome to Struggle Session, a weekly roundup of comments, DMs, tweets, and critiques from Savage Love readers and Savage Lovecast listeners. And this week — as promised — a hot guy with a Muppet face. But first and perhaps most importantly… @fakedansavage Ahem…Wednesday’s NYT crossword puzzle… pic.twitter.com/ay40GeIavl — Rich Urbani (@rtuinphl) May 3, 2023 It’s … Read More »

Fake and Faker

Shortly after our wedding my wife informed me that she would be handling our finances and making all financial decisions for us as a couple. Additionally, she had already arranged for my paycheck to be automatically deposited into an account that only she had control over. I would henceforth get a meager weekly allowance for … Read More »

Relevant Questions

I have been involved in a long distance situationship (intimate friends) for three years. We live in different states. We met in person, then became friends online, and that is where the relationship blossomed. I went to visit her once for a week, and it was a very intimate and fun experience for both of us, although she … Read More »


I’m away this week. Please enjoy this column from June of 2018.  – Dan I’ve been married to my husband for two years. Five months into our relationship (before we got married), he confessed that he was an adult baby. I was so grossed out, I was literally ill. (Why would this great guy want to … Read More »


1. My partner wants me to give him a ruined orgasm. Where do I go to learn that? Right here. Ruined orgasms are pretty easy — they’re so simple, in fact, that people sometimes give them to (or inflict them on) their male partners by accident. Here’s how you do it: bring your partner to … Read More »

Sister, Wife

I married my high school girlfriend after college. We were happy, and the sex was fantastic. Then she fell in love with a woman and came out — just to me — as bisexual or possibly a lesbian. Our relationship somehow survived this tumult, and we decided to start a family. We are now in our … Read More »

Struggle Session: Hockey Fans Who Are Also Dan Fans, What We’re Looking For On Grindr, Rick Misses the Old Dan, Pig Blood Substitutes, Post-Surgery Morale Boosters, and More!

Before we get started… JUST IN: A New York grand jury has indicted former president Donald Trump on charges related to payments Trump made in 2016 to his former attorney, Michael Cohen, to cover up an alleged affair with an adult film star known as Stormy Daniels. — NPR (@NPR) March 30, 2023 Thank you, … Read More »

Asked and Answered

Dear Readers: I hosted an “Ask Me Anything” at Savage.Love last week, where I answered as many questions as I could in 90 minutes. Here are some of the questions I didn’t get to before the buzzer sounded… 30s lesbian in a non-monogamous sexless marriage here. Do you think it’s ever possible to re-spark a … Read More »

Ask Me Anything!

That’s a wrap! Thank you to everyone who joined! All of the Qs Dan was able to answer are below. Have feedback on how we can improve future AMAs? Send us a note at TSARY@savage.love! — TSARY (1:30) Hi Dan, How do I get the courage to break up? I’ve tried to do it a few … Read More »

Size Peace

I’m a 41-year-old lesbian. Back when I was 26, I weighed 125 pounds and had a girlfriend. Sex with “Amy” was mind-blowing. Amy was exactly my type from head to toe, and she had more experience than me, so she really opened me up sexually. Our physical chemistry was off the charts. Unfortunately, Amy and … Read More »

Coming Around

I’m a straight cis woman who could never orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. But suddenly I am able to come just from vaginal penetration now that I’m reached middle-aged! This was never the case for me before — I could never come from PIV all by itself — and I’ve never heard another cis woman talk … Read More »


The full Maxi column is free to all today! If you enjoy “Savage Love,” consider supporting the column by becoming a Magnum or Column Only Sub at savage.love/subscribe!  -TSARY 1. You suggested stocking up on abortion pills NOW for friends in the future because they could wind up being banned. I naively thought a ban … Read More »


I found out by accident that my husband is emotionally cheating on me with his ex. I know you are critical of the concept of emotional cheating, but I’m talking about long love letters explaining that he wishes he would have married her, how she is the best person in the world, how he will … Read More »

Struggle Session: Waiting On PIV, Getting Into Pegging, My Biphobic Garbage, An Update From a Caller, and More…

Welcome to Struggle Session, my weekly back-and-forth-and-back-again with Savage Love readers and Savage Lovecast listeners! Laura wasn’t sure where to leave this comment — about a recent Lovecast caller’s concerns — so she dropped it into the comment thread on last week’s Struggle Session, which was the perfect place to leave it… Not sure this … Read More »

Pegged As Bi

My boyfriend of six months wants to try pegging and I’m down. But he wants “the whole experience,” which means sucking the dildo too. That raises a red flag for me. I know how this sounds before I even ask, so please forgive me if this question is insensitive. But does his desire to suck … Read More »

Kant Say No

Let’s say you’re a younger gay guy who’s been doing ethical FinDom (financial domination) for a few years and you’re good at it and you feel good about doing it because you take reasonable amounts of money, aka “tribute,” from your finsubs and you give value in return. In my case, I share sexy text messages, pics, … Read More »

Dom Vibes

I’m away this week. Please enjoy this column from July of 2019. I’m a woman who married young (21) and I’ve been with my husband for seven years. Within the last year, I’ve realized that my falling libido probably comes from the fact that I am not turned-on by our boring vanilla sex routine. I get … Read More »


1. My fiancé has a foot fetish, and he hates it. Can you tell him it’s harmless and immutable? Harmless! Immutable! Also, we’re living in the golden age of foot-fetishist representation—from the conniving, murderous, unctuous Ser Larys Strong on HBO’s House of the Dragon (prestige television!) to the sweet, goofy, traumatized Jimmy on TLC’s MILF … Read More »

Case Disclosed

I’m a bisexual woman living in a major city. My boyfriend of about a year is HIV-positive. He’s been undetectable for more than a decade, but I’m on PrEP, just to be double-back-flip safe. I trust science and I’m comfortable with this, in part thanks to your clear and honest conversations around HIV. We have … Read More »

Ask Me Anything!

That’s a wrap! Thank you to everyone who joined! All of your Q’s and Dan’s A’s are below. Have feedback on how we can improve future AMAs? Send us a note at info@savage.love! — TSARY Why have you never mentioned menopause even once? I’ve been an avid magnum listener for many years and was completely … Read More »


I’m a gay man and I’ve recently started seeing a guy in an open relationship. He’s intelligent, funny, and sexy. He told me early on that his partner is a Dom top, into kink (leather, latex, etc.), that his partner has caged boys, and so on. Moreover, with his partner he’s a “bratty sub,” meaning … Read More »

Struggle Session: Divorce Is an Option, Chatbots Are a Puzzle, Asses Are for Feasting

I’m thinking about retiring “Reader Roundup,” which sounds a little sinister (cops roundup suspects, cowboys roundup cattle), and going with “Struggle Session” instead. What do you guys think? After reading my advice for Close To Doing This in this week’s Savage Love (or was it ChatGPT’s advice?!?)—CTDT is a married man whose wife won’t fuck him, … Read More »

The Undanny Valley

Dear Readers: A lot of professional writers are freaking out about ChatGPT. ChatGPT is an artificial intelligence chatbot created by the OpenAI foundation that can generate essays, novels, screenplays—any kind of writing—faster than living/breathing/typing/revising human beings ever could. What’s more, enter the name of any writer, living or dead, and within seconds ChatGPT can spit … Read More »

Reader Roundup: A Bad Answer, a Legit Answer, a Hot Porn Star, and More…

It was a short question in quickies column (“Best lube for PIV?”) and an even shorter response (“Foreplay”). It was also an unhelpful and inadequate response… Dan, I love your column—but I’m canceling you over your glib response to “Best Lube for PIV?” Foreplay? Seriously? Even if you’re joking, it’s not funny. I could have … Read More »


Very long story short, I’m a woman in the process of getting out of a long and abusive marriage. I’m getting therapy. One factor of that abuse: I’m still a virgin, at least as far as penetration is concerned. (That’s another long story.) If I can even find anybody interested in me, how do I … Read More »