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Savage Love Archives for 2023

Christmas Break

I’m away for Christmas. Please enjoy these Christmas-themed questions from the Savage Love archives. Ho, ho, ho! — Dan I’m a straight married guy who spends the vast majority of every year working on site overseas supervising a large scientific experiment my business partner and I set up. The location is extremely remote, and my … Read More »


1. What’s with all the caging in gay porn? The appeal of male chastity devices seems obvious: a cock cage instantly turns the most important thing about a male porn performer into the least important thing. Paradoxically, male chastity devices pull visual focus toward a performer’s dick — they draw the eye — while shifting … Read More »

No Struggle Session Today

The HUMP! Jury meets today! The HUMP! team assembled early this morning to watch the 200+ submissions we received for the 2024 HUMP! Film Festival. We’ve seen some truly inspired films already — holy shit — and narrowing the field down to just 20-25 films is going to be tough. But I can confidently predict … Read More »

Parting Shots

I am a 34-year-old gay man who immigrated to Canada from a Latin American country a few years ago. I immigrated with my husband of eight years. Throughout our relationship we had been monogamous, and we never questioned it. (Perhaps due to our Catholic religious backgrounds?) However, the sex was never great. Not even at … Read More »

Maintenance Haze

It’s been a month since my great five-year-long relationship ended and it’s my fault. We were both in our mid-forties, got along, and had amazing sex three to four times a week. Yet I felt unsatisfied with the sex, as it was almost always “maintenance sex,” at least on my ex-partner’s side. While I found … Read More »

STRUGGLE SESSION: Girls & Boys, Cheats & Bullies, Doms & Subs and More!

On Thursdays I respond to comments and criticisms from my readers and listeners. These posts are exclusively for Magnum Subs — so, if you’re already a sub, thank you and read on! If you’d like to become a sub, make it happen here! Magnum Subs get the Magnum Lovecast (more guests, more calls, no ads), … Read More »

What Was Lost

About ten years ago, I was in a serious relationship with someone I loved more than I had ever loved anyone before. I hoped to spend my life with her. But I was deep in the closet, and the process of coming out annihilated large parts of my life, including our relationship. I dumped her … Read More »

Thanks Again

I’m taking the week off. Please enjoy these Thanksgiving-themed questions from the Savage Love archives. Gobble, gobble. — Dan Something is bothering me and I don’t know where else to turn. I’m a bisexual man. I’ve been married to a great guy for the past six years. Despite COVID, we gathered safely for an outdoors … Read More »


1. I met a man whose wife was ill. Their relationship was no longer sexual, and he was in a caretaker role, and seeking release. We fell in love, and he promised to marry me when his wife passed. That was five years ago. I know he isn’t lying about his wife’s illness, but I … Read More »

Him City

I’m a 27-year-old gay man, and things are going well for me. I’m doing good in my career, and outside of work things are going well, too. The only problem is that I’m missing a guy to share my life with. I currently live in Salt Lake City, and dating as a gay man here … Read More »

HUMP! 2024 is Coming! (Are You?!?)

The HUMP! 2024 deadline for submissions is coming right up — a little less than six weeks away — but you still have plenty of time to make your HUMP! movie! While some HUMP! films are elaborate productions that require months to make (and we love those!), every year people submit movies they were inspired … Read More »

Not Glue

I wanted to record this for your podcast but I’m literally too ashamed to say it out loud. I was in a relationship for more than twenty years with a guy who abused me sexually, emotionally, physically, psychologically, and financially. I grew up in a pretty unstable (read: abusive and neglectful) household and I’m proud … Read More »

A New Dom

I’m a 36-year-old reader, a recent subscriber to your column, and a gay man from Europe. I had a late coming out a few years ago, due to some financial and social constraints. I lived with my family well into my twenties, and then later with flatmates, and as a consequence I have never had … Read More »

Animal Urges

I’ve been carrying a lot of guilt and shame for a long time. (I’m going to drop a quick content warning here for sexual abuse: some of your readers might want to skip my question.) I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse. My abuser forced me to watch horrible zoophilia porn while they abused … Read More »


1. I’m a 57-year-old guy, married but separated, in reasonable shape. I usually masturbate at night as a “sleeping pill.” Over the past few years, it’s gotten more difficult to orgasm. I get hard, I vary my technique, but I just can’t come. Sometimes I’m up for hours jerking it before trying to fall asleep. … Read More »

The Finish Delegation

Cis bisexual guy here in his 20s. In the entire time I’ve been sexually active, I’ve pretty much been able to finish whenever I’d like. I’ve literally never once finished too quickly. That said, the idea of being unable to hold back my orgasm and coming too quickly has always been a big turn on … Read More »

Popping Off

I have an etiquette question for you. I’m a cis straight woman. I recently hooked up with a bisexual man I met online. In the middle of missionary position sex, he began to sniff what I can only assume was poppers. I have no experience with them. Should he have said something beforehand? Should he … Read More »

Didn’t Happen

I used to loudly proclaim that all this crap about black men being better in bed was pure bullshit. My ego said it was a bunch of propaganda. The thought of me being a cuckold was never going to happen. Then my wife’s workplace hired a black man, and he was among several of her … Read More »

The Italian Job

I’m reading you from Italy, and I could use your advice. About four years ago, I started dating a girl who I’ve been living with for the past two months. Since I’ve known her, she has been suffering from periods of depression and anxiety, although I didn’t know it when we first started to date. … Read More »


1. I’m a fisting top and I always ask my bottoms to make sure they’re cleaned out. What is the proper etiquette when brown liquid explodes out of a bottom, covering me, the bed, the walls, and the floor? Get out of bed, shower off, get dressed, put the bottom in an Uber, exit the … Read More »

Blow Over

Does your standard advice about sexless marriages extend to orally sexless marriages? My wife and I have been together for a couple decades. We met in our late teens, and we are each other’s first and only sexual partners. Oral sex used to be a regular part of our sex life, for the first decade … Read More »

She Will Not Be Ignored

Dear Readers: I’m off this this week, so please enjoy this evergreen column from February 2011. If you’re wondering whether I’ve gotten any nicer over the past 12 years, this column is proof that I’ve gotten nicer. Way nicer. Enjoy! – Dan I’ve written before, but I didn’t hear back from you—probably because my e-mail didn’t … Read More »


I’m a man in his 40s and my partner is in their 30s and non-binary. We’ve been together for three years and officially living together for about a year. Things have been a little tumultuous during that time, due to issues with my kids, my kids’ mom, and my own fears about compatibility and commitment. … Read More »

Age Played

I’m a single straight male in my 40s. I date women in their 20s-50s. I hooked up with a 21-year-old woman recently, which is the youngest age I’d consider dating. Except after we had sex, she told me she was actually much younger than 21. I did not break the law. I live in a state … Read More »

Family Ties

I’m a 25-year-old gay man. My parents have been divorced most of my life, and my dad came out to me as gay when I was 15. I came out to him and everyone else when I was 18. We’ve always had a good relationship, but we don’t see each other that often because we … Read More »

Struggle Session: Cheating Death, Swapping Pics, Sound Advice and More!

On Thursdays I respond to comments, emails, DMs, and tweets from my readers and listeners. Struggle Session posts are exclusively for Magnum Subs. So, if you’re already a Magnum Sub, thank you and read on! If you’d like to become one of my subs — which gets you access to the Magnum Lovecast (more guests, … Read More »

Take Care

I have a partner of several decades who needs me, as I am his primary caregiver and he’s been going through a prolonged health crisis. But we have been sexless for two decades. There are multiple reasons for that, on both sides, some of which include the fact that I’m just not that physically attracted … Read More »


1. How much pineapple should I be eating? Most commercial pineapple growers use a lot of pesticides and other agrochemicals in the production of this slow-growing fruit, which isn’t good for the environment or the health of agricultural workers. Furthermore, unless you live in South America, the pineapples you’re eating travelled thousands of miles to … Read More »

First Trap

I’m a 25-year-old woman who has never been in a relationship. As a consequence, I’ve never kissed anyone and obviously never had sex. I’m not from a conservative family and sex has never been a taboo for me, however as a teenager I disliked my body and I’ve always been shy and introverted, and I … Read More »

TEARS Factor

I’m the other woman in a non-ethical, non-monogamous marriage. His wife doesn’t know. I think my lover’s wife married him to have a family and because they got along well. When I met my lover five years ago, he talked about how he had a platonic marriage, and his wife was his best friend. He had … Read More »


I’m a 41-year-old cis female and have experienced a significant amount of physical and emotional abuse in my relationships. I recently started dating again and met a really great guy who told me that he was interested in having a Dom/sub relationship. I thought that would be it and told him so — given my … Read More »

What To Expect

I got married in 2001. Our sex life was mostly fine, but it was always a little weird because I’m the only woman he’d ever been with — not only sexually, but in a relationship at all. I was 23, he was 30. We bought a house, had a couple of kids, etc., and our sex … Read More »


1. Is it good to see your ex naked? Well, it depends. If you’re on good terms with your ex and seeing your ex naked (looking at old pictures, swapping new ones, having breakup/FWB sex) doesn’t keep emotional wounds incurred during the relationship open and bleeding (making it harder for you and/or your ex to … Read More »

Out With It

I’m a solo polyamorous hetero-romantic pansexual cisgendered man. My serious romantic relationships have all been with cis women, but most of my sex partners are men. Since I bottom when I am with men, most people think I must be closeted or suffer from “internalized homophobia.” This has caused tension with the women I date, … Read More »

Savage Love Bonus: Checking Back In With ChatGPT

AI technology has already taken some people’s jobs and could take more. Do I need to worry about AI taking my job? I fed some of my readers’ questions into ChatGPT back in January and asked the bot to reply to three questions “in the style of sex-advice columnist Dan Savage.” Could ChatGPT give better … Read More »

Appetite For Destruction

I’ve had a successful career as an artist and thousands follow my professional accounts on social media. My followers think they know me, but I am living a secret double life. What I’ve kept hidden is that I’m bisexual. I have hidden this fact from everyone: from my followers, from my family, and from the three … Read More »

Struggle Session: Time Capsules

Dear Readers: No Struggle Session again this week — but I’ll be back next week with a new column and a new Struggle Session. We’re going to flash back one more time to the early 90s with some questions from two early Savage Love columns. Reading these is like opening a time capsule — familiar … Read More »

How’s That?!

Dear Readers: One more from the deep archives! This column is from August 1997, back in the “Hey, Faggot” days, and features the birth of one of my readers’ favorite Savage Love-isms: “How’d That Happen?!” I’ll have a new column for you next week! HEY, FAGGOT: My girlfriend and I only see each other on … Read More »

Struggle Session: Flashback Column “Love and Death”

Dear Readers: No Struggle Session this week, as I’m still recovering from shoulder surgery. Instead, please enjoy this column from February 1995 — back when every letter opened with “Hey, Faggot.” (And back before our online archives start.) Much thanks to the Tech-Savvy, At-Risk Youth for digging through old print clippings! HEY, FAGGOT: My partner … Read More »

Wash It Away

Dear Readers: We’re rerunning some very early columns while I recover from shoulder surgery. This column is from February of 1999 — back in my “Hey, Faggot” days, and back before the online archives start. Enjoy! HEY, FAGGOT: I feel dirty. Not dirt that can be wiped away with a Wet Nap, but two-cans-of-Ajax kind … Read More »

Chick Lit

A lot of studying is being done on pornography and what it does to our brain. My question: are there any studies being done on erotic writing? “Women’s Romance Literature” is absolutely exploding in the online self-publishing sector, and my wife is an avid consumer. “Spice” is the euphemism they use but — wow — romance lit … Read More »

Struggle Session: Making the New York Times, Disappointing the Bis, Changing the Underpants, and More!

Welcome to Struggle Session, a weekly roundup of comments, DMs, tweets, and critiques from Savage Love readers and Savage Lovecast listeners. And this week — as promised — a hot guy with a Muppet face. But first and perhaps most importantly… @fakedansavage Ahem…Wednesday’s NYT crossword puzzle… pic.twitter.com/ay40GeIavl — Rich Urbani (@rtuinphl) May 3, 2023 It’s … Read More »

Fake and Faker

Shortly after our wedding my wife informed me that she would be handling our finances and making all financial decisions for us as a couple. Additionally, she had already arranged for my paycheck to be automatically deposited into an account that only she had control over. I would henceforth get a meager weekly allowance for … Read More »

Relevant Questions

I have been involved in a long distance situationship (intimate friends) for three years. We live in different states. We met in person, then became friends online, and that is where the relationship blossomed. I went to visit her once for a week, and it was a very intimate and fun experience for both of us, although she … Read More »


I’m away this week. Please enjoy this column from June of 2018.  – Dan I’ve been married to my husband for two years. Five months into our relationship (before we got married), he confessed that he was an adult baby. I was so grossed out, I was literally ill. (Why would this great guy want to … Read More »


1. My partner wants me to give him a ruined orgasm. Where do I go to learn that? Right here. Ruined orgasms are pretty easy — they’re so simple, in fact, that people sometimes give them to (or inflict them on) their male partners by accident. Here’s how you do it: bring your partner to … Read More »

Sister, Wife

I married my high school girlfriend after college. We were happy, and the sex was fantastic. Then she fell in love with a woman and came out — just to me — as bisexual or possibly a lesbian. Our relationship somehow survived this tumult, and we decided to start a family. We are now in our … Read More »

Struggle Session: Hockey Fans Who Are Also Dan Fans, What We’re Looking For On Grindr, Rick Misses the Old Dan, Pig Blood Substitutes, Post-Surgery Morale Boosters, and More!

Before we get started… JUST IN: A New York grand jury has indicted former president Donald Trump on charges related to payments Trump made in 2016 to his former attorney, Michael Cohen, to cover up an alleged affair with an adult film star known as Stormy Daniels. — NPR (@NPR) March 30, 2023 Thank you, … Read More »

Asked and Answered

Dear Readers: I hosted an “Ask Me Anything” at Savage.Love last week, where I answered as many questions as I could in 90 minutes. Here are some of the questions I didn’t get to before the buzzer sounded… 30s lesbian in a non-monogamous sexless marriage here. Do you think it’s ever possible to re-spark a … Read More »

Ask Me Anything!

That’s a wrap! Thank you to everyone who joined! All of the Qs Dan was able to answer are below. Have feedback on how we can improve future AMAs? Send us a note at TSARY@savage.love! — TSARY (1:30) Hi Dan, How do I get the courage to break up? I’ve tried to do it a few … Read More »

Size Peace

I’m a 41-year-old lesbian. Back when I was 26, I weighed 125 pounds and had a girlfriend. Sex with “Amy” was mind-blowing. Amy was exactly my type from head to toe, and she had more experience than me, so she really opened me up sexually. Our physical chemistry was off the charts. Unfortunately, Amy and … Read More »

Coming Around

I’m a straight cis woman who could never orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. But suddenly I am able to come just from vaginal penetration now that I’m reached middle-aged! This was never the case for me before — I could never come from PIV all by itself — and I’ve never heard another cis woman talk … Read More »


The full Maxi column is free to all today! If you enjoy “Savage Love,” consider supporting the column by becoming a Magnum or Column Only Sub at savage.love/subscribe!  -TSARY 1. You suggested stocking up on abortion pills NOW for friends in the future because they could wind up being banned. I naively thought a ban … Read More »


I found out by accident that my husband is emotionally cheating on me with his ex. I know you are critical of the concept of emotional cheating, but I’m talking about long love letters explaining that he wishes he would have married her, how she is the best person in the world, how he will … Read More »

Struggle Session: Waiting On PIV, Getting Into Pegging, My Biphobic Garbage, An Update From a Caller, and More…

Welcome to Struggle Session, my weekly back-and-forth-and-back-again with Savage Love readers and Savage Lovecast listeners! Laura wasn’t sure where to leave this comment — about a recent Lovecast caller’s concerns — so she dropped it into the comment thread on last week’s Struggle Session, which was the perfect place to leave it… Not sure this … Read More »

Pegged As Bi

My boyfriend of six months wants to try pegging and I’m down. But he wants “the whole experience,” which means sucking the dildo too. That raises a red flag for me. I know how this sounds before I even ask, so please forgive me if this question is insensitive. But does his desire to suck … Read More »

Kant Say No

Let’s say you’re a younger gay guy who’s been doing ethical FinDom (financial domination) for a few years and you’re good at it and you feel good about doing it because you take reasonable amounts of money, aka “tribute,” from your finsubs and you give value in return. In my case, I share sexy text messages, pics, … Read More »

Dom Vibes

I’m away this week. Please enjoy this column from July of 2019. I’m a woman who married young (21) and I’ve been with my husband for seven years. Within the last year, I’ve realized that my falling libido probably comes from the fact that I am not turned-on by our boring vanilla sex routine. I get … Read More »


1. My fiancé has a foot fetish, and he hates it. Can you tell him it’s harmless and immutable? Harmless! Immutable! Also, we’re living in the golden age of foot-fetishist representation—from the conniving, murderous, unctuous Ser Larys Strong on HBO’s House of the Dragon (prestige television!) to the sweet, goofy, traumatized Jimmy on TLC’s MILF … Read More »

Case Disclosed

I’m a bisexual woman living in a major city. My boyfriend of about a year is HIV-positive. He’s been undetectable for more than a decade, but I’m on PrEP, just to be double-back-flip safe. I trust science and I’m comfortable with this, in part thanks to your clear and honest conversations around HIV. We have … Read More »

Ask Me Anything!

That’s a wrap! Thank you to everyone who joined! All of your Q’s and Dan’s A’s are below. Have feedback on how we can improve future AMAs? Send us a note at info@savage.love! — TSARY Why have you never mentioned menopause even once? I’ve been an avid magnum listener for many years and was completely … Read More »


I’m a gay man and I’ve recently started seeing a guy in an open relationship. He’s intelligent, funny, and sexy. He told me early on that his partner is a Dom top, into kink (leather, latex, etc.), that his partner has caged boys, and so on. Moreover, with his partner he’s a “bratty sub,” meaning … Read More »

Struggle Session: Divorce Is an Option, Chatbots Are a Puzzle, Asses Are for Feasting

I’m thinking about retiring “Reader Roundup,” which sounds a little sinister (cops roundup suspects, cowboys roundup cattle), and going with “Struggle Session” instead. What do you guys think? After reading my advice for Close To Doing This in this week’s Savage Love (or was it ChatGPT’s advice?!?)—CTDT is a married man whose wife won’t fuck him, … Read More »

The Undanny Valley

Dear Readers: A lot of professional writers are freaking out about ChatGPT. ChatGPT is an artificial intelligence chatbot created by the OpenAI foundation that can generate essays, novels, screenplays—any kind of writing—faster than living/breathing/typing/revising human beings ever could. What’s more, enter the name of any writer, living or dead, and within seconds ChatGPT can spit … Read More »

Reader Roundup: A Bad Answer, a Legit Answer, a Hot Porn Star, and More…

It was a short question in quickies column (“Best lube for PIV?”) and an even shorter response (“Foreplay”). It was also an unhelpful and inadequate response… Dan, I love your column—but I’m canceling you over your glib response to “Best Lube for PIV?” Foreplay? Seriously? Even if you’re joking, it’s not funny. I could have … Read More »


Very long story short, I’m a woman in the process of getting out of a long and abusive marriage. I’m getting therapy. One factor of that abuse: I’m still a virgin, at least as far as penetration is concerned. (That’s another long story.) If I can even find anybody interested in me, how do I … Read More »