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Savage Love Archives for 2022


1. How long after a divorce does someone become “emotionally available” for a new relationship? Someone who initiated a divorce—someone who made up their mind, got a lawyer, and filed the paperwork—is probably going to be “emotionally available” a little sooner than someone who was blindsided when their spouse “asked” for a divorce. (It’s not … Read More »

Reader Roundup

Reader Roundup — my responses to comments from listeners and readers — made its triumphant return last week. I probably should’ve made a bigger deal about it but… I’m shy. (I am. It’s true.) Being shy (as I am), I opted to slip Reader Roundup back into the feed without any fanfare. Because I am … Read More »

Getting It

When I first got engaged to my wife, I tried to ease into a conversation about cuckolding, but it went poorly. I tried to broach the subject by telling her monogamy wasn’t a requirement for me and she got upset. She thought I wanted to have sex with other women. I do not. I reassured … Read More »

Reader Roundup: Struggle Sesh

In response to call at the Lovecast from a woman who wants to be rimmed — and her husband wants to rim her — but she has (as she learned) a very ticklish butt hole… Here’s a suggestion that MIGHT work. I’m an MD and it works when examining patients that are ticklish on other … Read More »

The Birthday Boy

I’m a 50-year-old cis straight female writing with a question about my son. He’s 19 and in college. I’m a single mom and we are very close. When he was eight, I found him on my laptop looking at videos of “strong women” wrestling with men. Since then, that’s all he looks at online and fantasizes … Read More »


I recently split from a committed, monogamous, extremely long-term relationship. I’m now exploring the dating scene as someone who has never dated online prior to this year. I’m a woman with kids, and I’m not looking for another parent. I want to keep things casual. I haven’t had any boyfriends yet, just a couple of regular … Read More »


I’m a 29-year-old cis straight male. What are the ethics of having a minor cum/breeding kink? Thanks, Dan! No one chooses their kinks—our kinks choose us—so having a kink doesn’t raise ethical issues. Acting on our kinks… making choices that impact others… that’s where ethical concerns kick in. So, if it turns you on to … Read More »

The Watcher

I’m a married gay man in Southern California. I also have a boy who has his own partner. Both my boy and his partner used to live nearby. But in August they moved to Seattle. The “why” of their move continues to bother me. They didn’t move for a job, or to be closer to family, or … Read More »

Ace Case

Young straight dude here. Recently I have come across a ton of articles online about why women shouldn’t shave their armpits. These articles argue that armpit shaving is based on deeply patriarchal anti-feminist notions of female beauty. This leaves me feeling conflicted. I find women’s shaved armpits extremely erotic, if I’m attracted to the person. … Read More »

Loaded Questions

Dear Readers: I’m away this week, so we’re re-running a popular Q&A from a few years back. This column originally appeared in late June of 2018. I’ll be back next week with a brand-new column. — Dan I am a 24-year-old straight guy who recently broke up with my girlfriend of more than four years. One … Read More »

Just the Facts

I’m a woman in a hetero marriage. We’ve happily played with others a bit but not recently because we have a small child. We are both bi and in our 40s. We talked about getting the monkeypox vaccine, but I didn’t think it was urgent because we’re not currently having sex with anyone else. Here’s … Read More »


Can someone be both homosexual and asexual? I can’t wrap my brain around this one. Sure, a person can be asexual while also being homosexual… because asexuality is a spectrum, and that spectrum is broad and vast and includes people who experience sexual attraction and sometimes choose to act on their sexual attraction. Basically, some … Read More »

Crushing Loads

I’m a 71-year-old gay man married to a much younger man. That’s all fine, not relevant so much as just info. 15 years ago, I briefly took Prozac. While it dulled my sex drive, the orgasms I did manage to have while taking Prozac were off the charts. I even talked to my doctor about it … Read More »

Knots Landing

I’m a 31-year-old cis man married to a 33-year-old non-binary partner, and our relationship has always been very vanilla. Over the past few years, I’ve discovered that I’m a kinky person, with a particular interest in both domination and submission. It took me a long time to summon the courage to bring this up with … Read More »

Done Wrong

I’m a gay Black man in my early 30s. When I was a teen, I was called fat and ugly by family and friends. I should also point out that I was in an all-white community with white parents. When I was coming to terms with my sexuality as a teenager, I began working out. … Read More »

Fair Shares

42-year-old dad here. I’ve been married for 12 years, and my marriage has been somewhat turbulent. But after some affairs—one where my wife screwed my best friend—and therapy, we reconnected, righted ourselves, and started a wonderful family. We both identify as bisexual now, and we are ethically non-monogamous. My question is this: my wife never … Read More »


At a party recently I was chatting with a parent who mentioned that he lets his (elementary school age) kids look at porn. He had a laissez-faire attitude about the whole thing, but I found it disturbing. Am I being a judge-y childless witch? There were no middle schools where I grew up, so an … Read More »

Police States

I’m monogamous and have been dating my boyfriend who identifies as straight for a little over a year. He told me that he had a strict “no contact with exes” policy when we first met. Due to some sketchy behavior, lies and gaslighting on his part—regarding contacts with his ex-girlfriends, open dating profiles, and multiple private … Read More »

School Me Once

I’m a 38-year-old cis het woman who is also a public high school teacher in a small town. After a string of unsatisfying relationships in my 20s, I realized that I’ve only experienced sexual pleasure without a partner. Despite being excited by the idea of partnered sex, once there’s a dick inside me, I hate … Read More »


I’m a 29-year-old gay man just shy of five years sober. I’ve had to do a lot of work on myself in recovery to accept and love myself after being dragged to conversion therapy when I was a teenager by my narcissistic evangelical parents. I met a guy in AA in May who at the … Read More »

Jerked Around

I’ve been with my wife for ten years. We are both 36 years old. We moved in fast and didn’t take time to learn certain things about one another. For example, I watch porn, which she only found out about after we moved in. She had a visceral reaction. She told me it was a … Read More »


I’m a 40-year-old female, cis-het. I have very discerning tastes in men, and always end up alone. Any way to be more open without sacrificing my standards? You’ve either had a terrible run of bad luck—assuming you’ve dated more than ten men—or you’ve set your standards impossibly high. Some food for thought: perhaps you think … Read More »

Choke Hold

I have a question about choking. Or should that be simulated choking? I’ve recently discovered that being pinned down by my neck is a huge turn on for me. I love the feeling of being dominated and controlled, and of feeling my partner’s strength on this part of my body. I’m much more interested in … Read More »

That Husband Over There

I’m a 36-year-old married woman who fantasizes about her husband of 10 years being intimate with other women. This isn’t a new thing for me. I’ve fantasized about this for years, but we’ve never acted on it. He is intrigued but afraid that it might somehow damage our relationship. But I’ve done some research on … Read More »

Pound for Pound

A friend hooked me up with a much younger guy for weed. Let’s call him “Pretty Boy.” He knew something about me—Pretty Boy had been to a party at my house—and I knew something about him: he’s a burner, like our mutual. Consent is supposed to be a core burner value and before we hook up, … Read More »

Gays and Confused

From the end of Roe to the assault on democracy to the climate crisis to the war on Ukraine, it’s all bad news, all the time, for everyone. But the monkeypox outbreak is an extra little helping of bad news specifically for gay and bi men. (More than 96% of monkeypox cases have been in … Read More »

Dick Down

I’m a cis woman in her 30s who lives on the East Coast. I’ve been in an LTR with the same cis man for 12 years. No issues there at all! But we are considering opening up our relationship and I have a question about my sexuality. Basically, I’m attracted to people with penises. PIV … Read More »


Gay dude here. What the fuck is up with monkeypox? Do I need to be worried? Yes, you do. I tried to raise the alarm about monkeypox on the May 24, 2022, episode of the Savage Lovecast, back when there were 100 cases in 15 countries, all of them among gay and bi men. Now … Read More »

Licensed and Bonded

Weekly deadlines being what they are, this column was written before the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade. We knew this was coming, thanks to the SCOTUS Leaker, but that didn’t make last week’s news any less devastating. (Who’s the leaker? My money’s on Ginni.) So, what can we do now? We can march, we … Read More »

Pride and Preference

I’m taking a week off, so this week’s “Savage Love” is a reprint of a column that was originally published on January 13, 2016. I hope everyone has a happy and safe Pride. Please be careful out there. — Dan As a queer man of color—I’m Asian—I feel wounded whenever I am exposed to gay … Read More »

Baddy Dom

I’m a 29-year-old bisexual woman in a non-monogamous relationship. A few years ago, I wanted to explore my submissive side and met up with a Dom I connected with on a kink site. We had a few drinks and hit it off. We discussed what we were comfortable with and our limits beforehand. I set … Read More »

Judgment Day

I’m trying to date again after back-to-back negative relationship experiences. Experiences that have made me question my own judgment and ability to set good boundaries. My friends and therapist all pointed out the red flags, but I was apparently blind to them. I love what you’ve said about how there is no “The One” out … Read More »

Joe Newton

Expensed With

I’m a 31-year-old queer person living in Europe. I recently met a 46-year-old man. We were visiting the same city for work and met on an app and went on a series of amazing dates. We have a lot of similar interests and work in parallel fields. Now we’re planning a trip to see each … Read More »

Emergency Quickies

My laptop died last week. My laptop couldn’t die when I was in the office, with capable tech support people close by. Oh, no. My laptop lost its will to live when I was thousands of miles away, in a country where I don’t speak the language. So, I wasn’t able to access my Savage … Read More »

Freyed Nerves

I am a 37-year-old heterosexual woman in a monogamous relationship with a het cis male. Let’s call him “Rick.” We’ve been together for five years and engaged for two. Our sex went from passionate, fun, and frequent early in the relationship to nearly nonexistent now. I have gently initiated conversations about how to spice it … Read More »

Real Worries

I’m a straight guy, married to a straight woman for 15 years. Several years back, I opened up to my wife about my fantasies of her sleeping with other men. I was nervous about bringing it up. Her views on sex had always been traditional, and she had always expressed a very strict idea of … Read More »

Open and Shut

Straight guy here in a one-sided open relationship. My wife and I opened our relationship just for her and to females only, so she could explore her bisexual side. I’m super proud of her for coming out and wanted her to feel fulfilled. When we agreed to this, I was naive and figured anything she … Read More »


I’m a heavy sleeper, and my wife knows that, but not so heavy that I don’t wake up when she periodically masturbates next to me and has the bed shaking pretty hard. She doesn’t know this wakes me. How do I handle this? Do I offer a hand (or a dick) the next time? Talk … Read More »

Love & Leashes

I’m a married gay man. I’m nervous about sending this question and my husband is afraid you might answer it. I’m a fairly vanilla guy, while my husband is into bondage. We’ve been able to make it work because he’s into a kind of bondage he calls “storage.” On “storage nights,” I put him in … Read More »

Clap Back

Bisexual female in an open/monogamish relationship with a heterosexual male. My partner and I have some friends in the swinging lifestyle that invite us to parties and group sex events. They recently picked up gonorrhea at a hotel takeover and did not find out until after hosting 20 people at a sex party. So, the group … Read More »

Entrance Exam

I am a 29-year-old woman and I have a problem when I have sex or masturbate. I always feel an annoying pain, a stinging sensation in my vulva, at the entrance of the vagina, that does not allow me to enjoy it, as the pain is too overwhelming. Unfortunately, this situation has led me to avoid having … Read More »

Only For Now

I’m a 28-year-old queer woman. It’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship, as it was impossible for me to make a physical or emotional connection with anyone after I was raped four years ago. I finally found a very, very, very nice fella. He’s 36 years old, and pretty basic. He’s a cis … Read More »


My boyfriend and I have not had sex for more than two years. When I first asked him about it, he hemmed and hawed. When I pressed him, he said he doesn’t have any interest. I felt like he was not telling me the whole truth. When I suggested he tell his doctor, my boyfriend … Read More »

Age Against the Machine

I have a problem. (How’s that for an opener?) I’m a 60-something cis woman with a 30-something cis man lover. The problem is my vagina is extremely tight. Also, sometimes I bleed a little bit after PIV and then urinating burns, but only briefly. We are only able to hook-up about every other week, so frequency … Read More »

Lay Misérables

I lost my lover unexpectedly last weekend. He was a long-time friend and periodic hook-up, and things were finally starting to turn as serious as I’d always secretly wanted them to be. I’m writing because I don’t know what to do with my desire for him, because that certainly didn’t die with him. He’s the … Read More »

Paradise Found

I’m a 34-year-old straight cis male. About eighteen months ago I met a lovely human that I’m crazy about. When we started dating, she said she needed us to be poly and I agreed. It was a first for both of us! I’d always been interested—my parents are queer and have been poly my whole … Read More »

Sub Optimal

I’m a submissive gay man with a 15-year-old nephew. Through his actions and words, both his parents and I have gathered he might be gay, which is absolutely no issue. However, we’ve also recently discovered that he seems to be interested in D/s themes with him as the sub. Besides the occasional veiled comments and … Read More »


I’m a very sexual cis male in his thirties. Three years ago, I met this woman who just blew me away. She is eight years older, extremely beautiful, intelligent, and funny. I came onto her early on and she told me straight up that she was asexual. She likes kissing, cuddling, and solo masturbation, but that’s … Read More »

Cum Drunk

I’m a 40-year-old bi guy, and I’m really into drinking cum. I say “drinking” and not “swallowing” because I’m talking about glassfuls. I make and sell videos of me drinking large amounts of cum. Since I don’t have a stable of guys to supply me, I use frozen cum. It used to just be my … Read More »

First Time

Long time reader here, first-time writer. I’m a bisexual woman. I’ve been married to a straight man for eight years. Our marriage and our sex life are amazing. We communicate well, and we have a lot of fun together. You probably think you know where this is going, Dan, but trust me this isn’t your … Read More »

Rooting Around

I’m a heterosexual cisgender male who loves prostate stimulation. I discovered it later in life, but it’s been a staple for the last fifteen years. I’m worried I’m pushing the envelope too much and need your advice. Lately, the last six months or so, I will have an orgasm that’s so intense I have pain … Read More »

Fast and Furious

I’m a straight guy but my whole life I have wanted to be spanked by older men. Does this make any sense? Because I’m confused. I don’t like or want penis. Yet I want to be spanked as a punishment by men. I don’t understand myself sometimes. Sincerely Pondering And Not Knowing The truly important … Read More »

Hard for the Money

I’m a gay man in his forties. I very much love my husband but two years ago we acknowledged that our desire for each other sexually just wasn’t there anymore. Thanks in part to reading your column for many years, we were able to have a calm conversation about whether we wanted to remain together … Read More »

Vaxxed and Confused

My boyfriend is male, I am female, and we’ve been together almost three years. We live alone in separate homes, but spend about three or four nights a week together. We’re both fully vaxxed and boosted, and we mask in public, etc. On the Monday before Christmas, I started feeling mild symptoms but tested negative. … Read More »