Straight Boys

...bedroom doors of terrified 13-year-old boys, crawls under the covers, and refuses to leave. To translate this into mental images that straight men can understand, pretend that puberty is prison and gayness is a big, strong inmate named Rocco. One day you’re lying on your bunk, minding your own business, when Rocco marches into your cell, grabs your ass, and announces that you’re his bitch. Depending on how hard you resist, Rocco’s arrival can either be the beginning of a beautiful relationship or the beginning of a world of hurt. But you know what? In the end you’re gonna be Rocco’s bitch–resistance is futile–so it’s a good idea to let Rocco have his way with you. Unless you’re downplaying an attraction to men and overplaying your passion for women, you’re not gay. If you were gay, “Rocco” would’ve let you know long ago. So how can a guy who isn’t gay–that’s you, CAC–contemplate getting blowjobs from guys who are? Because you’re a horny little shit, CAC, and you’re not having any luck with women. Situational homosexuality is a fancy phrase used to describe the behavior of straight guys who have sex with other men in pussy-free environments such as real prisons (not extended-metaphor prisons). These guys have gay sex because they have no other option. You may not be in prison, CAC, but you are in despair, and despairing of ever getting your dick wet again is leading you to contemplate situational homosexuality. Don’t feel bad, CAC: If you go along with some dude, you’ll be reviving a grand old tradition, just like modern-day swing dancers. Lots of straight men used to indulge in homosexual sex if they couldn’t get their hands on women. Once upon a time, getting a blowjob from another guy didn’t mean a guy was gay, only that he was desperate; only guys giving blowjobs were gay. Then the gay liberation movement came along and ruined everything. By insisting that it made no difference who was giving and who was getting–both guys were gay–gay libbers scared off the straight boys. These days, only straight men trapped in all-male environments with no hope of escape (prisons, pirate ships, Vatican City) indulge in situational homosexuality. And it’s a crying shame. So, yes, I’d urge you to “go along” with the next “dude” who propositions you. Don’t assume, however, that all gay men are interested in blowing you; some of us don’t find straight boys attractive. You might also want to mention to any guy who hits on you that you’re only situational, not gay, and that he shouldn’t expect to be blown back. I’m an 18-year-old, closeted, bisexual high-school student. The only person who knows that I’m bi is my best friend. He does not have much sexual experience, and I know he’s straight. How do you think he’d react if I offered him a blowjob? I don’t feel attracted to him in a love way. I just really want to do him this favor. But I don’t want to spoil the friendship. How do I handle this? Bisexual Boulder Boy The next time the two of you are laughing about sex, slap him on the back and say, “Hey, if you ever want a blowjob, just ask. You can close your eyes and pretend I’m Britney Spears and I can close my eyes and pretend you’re Brad Pitt.” THEN CHANGE THE SUBJECT. For your friendship to survive your selfless offer–let alone the reality of an actual blowjob–it’s important that you don’t give your pal the impression that you’re only his friend because you’re interested in him sexually. Wrapping the offer up in a joke not only lets him know that you’re ready, willing, and able to grant him the favor of a blowjob, but also leaves you both with a graceful way out. If he’s not interested or if he’s offended, tell him that you were just joking and apologize. But if he is interested, he’ll ask you to make good on your offer when he’s ready, willing, and able to accept the favor. I’m 22 years old and gay; my roommate is 28 years old and straight. I met him at my gym and moved in when he needed a roommate. One drunken night he confessed to me that he likes to be tied up, and his girlfriend won’t do it. A week later, another drunken confession: He would let a gay guy tie him up, but only if there wasn’t any sex involved. During his third drunken hint-dropping session, my roommate asked ME to tie him up. Bondage doesn’t turn me on, but my roommate does–he’s got an amazing body–so I did it. Now we do it at least twice a week. After I let him go, he goes to his room and beats off, and I go to my room and beat off. What I want to know is this: Why can’t I beat him off? When I tie him up, he’s blindfolded and imagines I’m a girl. Why can’t he imagine my hand is a girl’s hand? Or that my mouth is a girl’s mouth? He says no way. My roommate’s girlfriend is out of town two nights a week for work–Fridays and Saturdays–and I stay home on those nights and keep him tied up, which is having a negative impact on my social life. I can’t find a guy to have normal sex with because I’ve been home all weekend for the last three months tying up my kinky, beautiful, naked, STRAIGHT roommate. Argh! What the hell do you think I should do? Body Beautiful’s Bondage Buddy P.S. My roommate bought me a paddle and some nipple clips and a book on S&M for my birthday. Now I’m supposed to “torture” him in addition to keeping him tied up! Can’t you see the leverage you’ve got here, BBBB? You’re giving your roommate something he desperately wants, something he can’t get from his girlfriend, and it’s not something that does anything for you. You get to see your roommate naked, but you’ve been seeing him naked twice a week for months now. Tell him that the thrill is long gone, and that you’re not interested in tying him up anymore–unless there’s something in it for you, too. He likes being tied up. You like dick. Surely the two of you can come to an understanding. Offer to keep giving him what he wants–bondage and S&M–in exchange for a little of what you want. It’s a tiny leap from pretending the guy tying you up is a girl to pretending the guy sucking you off/beating you off is a girl, but he won’t make that leap until you give him a push. So shove! [email protected]