Summer Reading

...ly thinking, “Wow, what a bitch” right now, because I am too! I feel terrible, but I want my old boyfriend back! Stupid Bitch In South Carolina Why do you want Boy #1 back? It can’t be because he’s smart, funny, caring, and interesting. Boy #1 was all those things when you dumped him for Boy #2. Unless Boy #1 got a face transplant after you dumped him, the attraction problem is still going to be an issue, and you won’t be able to resist the next good-looking guy that comes along. So why do you want Boy #1 back? Here’s a guess: You can’t stand the thought of being alone while you wait for Boy #3 to come along—a hot guy who wants to date you as much as he wants to fuck you—and so you want Boy #1 to be your chump, to hang around and keep you entertained, but just until it’s time to dump him again. But—surprise!—Boy #1 isn’t interested in being your chump, SBISC, and can you blame him? You fucked around on him, you fucked with his ego, and you fucked with his emotions. Have the decency to fuck off. I’m a middle-aged guy, more twisted than most. I’m lucky enough to be married to a very sexy lady who goes along with most of my kinks, even to the point of visiting me while I’m taking a bath and squatting down to give me a drink of her lovely recycled juices. My question: She has given me a “free pass” to fulfill the kinks that she is not quite up to. I’ve always wanted to have a gay sex encounter, and I’d like to try it before I get too old. But I would look silly cruising a bar, and I’m skeptical about internet ads. Any ideas? Middle-Aged Kinkster No ideas, MAK. No advice, no guidance, no pointers. You know why I got nothin’ for you, MAK? Because if we gay guys aren’t allowed to be married—to each other—then you married straight guys aren’t allowed to be gay. Not even once, not even if you’re just going to put it in a little, not even with the wife’s permission. I’m 18 years old, dating a 24-year-old. We accidentally got pregnant and are expecting in January. We love each other and we want to stay together, but he doesn’t want to talk about getting married. I would marry him in a heartbeat, but that’s not the only problem. Because the pregnancy was an accident and because I decided to keep it, I feel that he secretly resents me and has lost attraction for me. His sex drive has gone way down. We still have sex, but only because I beg him to. He says he loves me and still thinks I’m attractive, but his actions speak way louder than his words. I can’t talk to any of my friends or family about it, because I don’t want anyone to think badly of him or our relationship. I can’t even talk to him anymore about it because I always end up crying. What can I do? Pregnant And Deprived Doesn’t your boyfriend read the papers, PAD? According to the State of New York’s highest court, the institution of marriage exists expressly to entice the likes of him—that is, irresponsible straight boys—into marrying the likes of you—that is, irresponsible straight girls. Since heterosexual relationships are “often casual or temporary,” and since “unstable relationships between people of the opposite sex present a greater danger that children will be born into or grow up in unstable homes,” the court found that the state can deny same-sex couples—with kids, without kids, whatever—the right to marry. Marriage is set aside exclusively for folks like you! And you mean to tell me that your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you? What a fucking ingrate! I’m not sure what you can do about it, PAD, but perhaps those justices in New York can help you out. Maybe one of the justices can hold the shotgun while another officiates? I am a straight man, married with kids. I’m happy, but I need help. There’s something I want to try but my wife is scared. I have always wanted to watch her getting banged by another dude. I also want to get it on with a hot guy. But all I can get her to do is talk about boys we both find cute and do a little role-playing. How do I get her to actively look for Mr. Right for both of us? How come all women wanna get freaky with another girl but when it come to male bi-ness the door is closed? In Need Of Hot Boy Oh, great. Another letter from a legally married “straight” wannabe cocksucker. Look, INOHB, while lots of women are turned on by the images of men getting it on—there weren’t that many gay guys watching the American version of Queer as Folk—many women feel that a gay sex act somehow diminishes the masculinity of both men involved. Is it fair? No. Is it a double standard? Yes. What can be done about it? Not much. As for your problem, INOHB, it’s like I told MAK: Until us gay male cocksuckers can get married, I’m done helping out married “straight” male cocksuckers. Read any good books this summer, Dan? Beach Reading Yes, BR. This summer I’ve enjoyed The End of Iraq by Peter W. Galbraith; Virginity or Death! by Katha Pollitt; Seventy Times Seven by Salvatore Sapienza; and My Girlfriend Comes to the City and Beats Me Up by Stephen Elliott. (That last title hasn’t been released yet—I got an advance copy.) I recommend ’em all. Hey, Everybody: U. S. Senator Rick Santorum is coming to the Pacific Northwest next week! Local right-wingers are hosting a fundraiser for Senator Frothy Mix on Thursday, August 17 at Daniel’s Broiler in Bellevue at 11:45 AM. Here’s hoping someone organizes a demo outside Daniel’s while Sen. Man On Dog is inside. We need to let Sen. Lube & Fecal Matter—and his local supporters—know that we don’t want him or his politics stinking up our state. [email protected]