Big Ask

...What are your thoughts? Seeking Notes On Respectful Etiquette I don’t think this is a Savage Love question. There are advice columnists and podcasters who specialize in matters of etiquette (Miss Manners, Awesome Etiquette) and advice columnists and podcasters who specialize in workplace issues (Ask a Manager, Work Friend). Perhaps you meant to send your question to one of them, SNORE? Actually, you probably did send your question to one of them. Email made it easy for people to send their questions to more than one advice columnist, which is why you sometimes see the same question pop up in different advice columns at the same time. (Pros don’t steal questions.) I recently responded to a question from a frustrated straight male sub that Dr. Nerd Love responded to a few days later. I’m not suggesting our readers are doing anything wrong by sending their questions to more than one of us — I have no right to expect exclusivity from anyone, given my body of work — but it’s weird when I receive a question that was so clearly meant for (and doubtless already sent to) a very different kind of advice columnist. But I appreciate everyone who sends me a question, SNORE, even when I suspect it was copied and pasted from a letter meant for someone else, so here’s some advice for you: Tell the person you’re bunking with about your snoring before the trip so they can get some earplugs and/or plead with your bosses for a private room. As a courtesy, SNORE, bring some earplugs yourself. That way you’ll be able to offer them to your roommate if they assumed your snoring couldn’t be that bad and it turns out to be that bad or worse. And don’t get those useless little foam thingies, SNORE, but those silicone plugs you’re not supposed to roll up and jam in your ear canals, even though that’s literally what everyone who uses them does. Good luck! My very good friend is a gay man with extreme sexual interests involving domination, submission, and body modifications. While identifies as a sadist, he is a very nice person who only wishes to hurt people who enjoy receiving pain from him. He worries he will never meet his “dream sub” because he ultimately wants to partner with a man who is willing to undergo a “nulloplasty” and become his personal “nullo.” (A “nullo” is a cisgender man who has had his penis and his testicles surgically removed.) I suggested he could expand his pool of potential partners by dating trans gay men who haven’t had bottom surgery. A trans man who loved him might be willing to role-play being his “nullo.” He would not consider it. While he agrees that trans men are men, his dream sub is a cis man willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for him and “give up” his genitals, and this rules out men who never had male genitalia in the first place. He just turned thirty and longs for a committed relationship. I think he might have more luck finding someone if he was at least open to the idea of dating one of the many gay trans men active in the kink community in the city where he lives. Am I correct? The Ultimate Sacrifice Now that’s a Savage Love question. There’s not much data on cis men who wanna get their cocks and balls removed — here’s the small handful of studies I managed to find about men who wanna be nullos — but I’m guessing there are more gay trans men on this planet who might be willing to indulge your friend’s fantasies during role-play than there are cis gay men willing to have their junk surgically removed to give their new boyfriend a thrill. Even controlling for differing population sizes — there are a lot more cis gay men than there are trans gay men — I’m guessing there are fewer gay cis men willing to “sacrifice” their cocks and balls than trans gay men willing to indulge your sadistic friend in some very fucked up dirty talk. And if your friend is as “nice” a sadist as you claim, TUS, he won’t romance cis gay men who don’t wannabe nullos and then spring this on them after they’ve made an emotional investment in him. Nor will he spring this on trans gay men, TUS, since asking a trans man to pretend he once had the genitals he wishes he was born with removed could be highly triggering. So, whether your friend dates cis gay men or trans gay men, he needs to recognize that what he’s asking — from the universe, from a future potential partner (in reality or during role play) — is big. Now, there are cis men out there who want, for their own reasons, to undergo nullification. But the wannabe nullo population is tiny, TUS, and cis gay men make up an even tinier percentage of that tiny number. And even if your friend were to find a gay cis man who wanted to be a nullo, surely that’s not the only thing your friend wants out of (or off of) the man that he marries. Presumably, the guy of his dreams would also be someone he was attracted to emotionally, TUS, and someone who wanted the same things from life. Because relationships can certainly be enhanced by shared sexual fantasies, it takes a lot more than shared sexual fantasies to sustain them. There’s no settling down without settling for, as I like to say, and no one with a long-term partner got everything they wanted. If I were to sit down at my little desk and compose a little list of things a gay man might have to settle for, TUS, “A guy who wasn’t willing to cut off his cock and balls for me,” would land somewhere near the top. When it comes to the the crazier kinks — and this one qualifies — a partner willing to engage in role-play is the best most kinksters can do. A scenario this extreme is going to be a challenge for most people, TUS, even as role play, so if your friend manages finds a guy — cis or trans — who’s willing to pretend he’s a nullo for him, your friend should regard that not just as a win, but as a miracle. P.S. A cis gay man can just as easily indulge your friend’s fantasy during role-play as a trans, gay man. Cis men can tuck, as all those queens on Ru Paul’s Drag Race have been demonstrating to us for years, and as that one Olympic pole vaulter learned this weekend. P.P.S. Yes, this could be bullshit — most people with nullo fantasies are obsessed with becoming nullos themselves, not getting someone else to become their nullo. But still: a better Savage Love question than SNORE’s question. (No offense, SNORE.) I’ve been in a painful push/pull “relationship” with a man since last fall. We met on Feeld with the intention of him joining me and my husband in an MFM threesome. This other man went from seeming super into it and GGG to backing out of the MFM plans and stating he wanted me all for himself, something he knew wasn’t part of my and my husband’s agreement. My first response was to say no and that’s not cool, but after a few weeks of private texting I was incredibly turned on and agreed to a one-on-one meetup, which I told my husband about. All we did at that first meeting was kiss but I was 100% down to fuck him after that. My husband and I had several heartfelt talks and revamped our ENM agreement to allow me to be with this man. But every time we’ve made plans to get together, he goes MIA or comes up with some last-minute excuse about why we can’t meet. It makes me feel hurt and disappointed; I tell myself I’m done with him, and disconnect and try to move on. Inevitably, however, he or I break the freeze by reaching out, the steamy sexting starts back up, we make plans to meet and he inevitably cancels them. We’ve only seen each other in person a few times over the last nine months and never gotten further than a hot make-out session before he withdraws. I am a beautiful, strong professional — I’m a therapist! — with so many resources and a happy marriage and yet all of my tools, insight, and training can’t keep me away from this boy. Please help! How can I kick this bad habit? Or better yet, how can I get him to follow through? The sexual chemistry between us is so intense it’s almost scary, and I think the sex — if we ever have it — will be epic! Help! Confusing Himbo Endangering My Sanity This dude is never gonna fuck you. I don’t know why this dude is never gonna fuck you, CHEMS, but it was clear to me after reading your letter — as it should certainly be clear to you by now — that you’re never gonna get what you want from this man. Meanwhile, it sure looks like he’s getting everything he wants from you: your time, your attention, and your desperation. This whole thing — from your first interaction — has been a power trip for him. He approached you on Feeld when you were looking for a third and got you to meet up with him alone, which wasn’t on offer, and then got you to risk blowing up your marriage by asking your husband to renegotiate your open agreement. All he wanted from you at the start… and all he wants form you still… is to see how badly you want him. If you enjoy this particular kind of agony — if you enjoy frustration — by all means keep sexting with this guy and meeting up for hot make-out sessions. (Here’s hoping those meet-ups inspire you to go home and fuck the shit out of your husband.) But to avoid being driven slowly insane, CHEMS, you need to bring your expectations into alignment with what he’s offering. So, before you text him back again — certainly before you meet up with him — remind yourself that this man would’ve fucked you already if he actually ever intended to fuck you at all. I predict that once your expectations are in check — once you don’t want more from him than hot text messages and the make-out sessions — he’ll quickly lose interest in you. Once he senses your desperation is fading, CHEMS, once he’s senses you’re actually satisfied by what you’re getting out of this connection, there won’t be anything in sexting or the make-out sessions for him anymore. Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to [email protected]! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love