Struggle Session: Hockey Fans Who Are Also Dan Fans, What We’re Looking For On Grindr, Rick Misses the Old Dan, Pig Blood Substitutes, Post-Surgery Morale Boosters, and More!

...tried to picture a Savage Lovecast listener who was also a hockey fan. Couldn’t do it. Claire emailed to let me know that there’s at least one hockey-loving Savage Lovecast listener out there: I’ve been a big fan for a long time, and I also happen to be a MASSIVE hockey fan. I was listening to your intro just now talking about NHL Pride Nights, and I haven’t got anything really insightful to add to that controversy, but it did remind me of this scene from the brilliant and underrated show Letterkenny. (Underrated in the States — Canadians love it!) If you haven’t seen it it’s just life in a rural Ontario town, and two of the main characters are dudes all Canadians know: hockey players who are dim-witted dirtbags but are somehow lovable. There’s nothing funny about the right’s current attacks on LGBTQ rights, but I hope you can get a little chuckle out of these two meatheads. And yes, if you watch it, that’s all actual hockey slang, and definitely check out Letterkenny. And one more thing real quick: Here’s my team providing a perfect example of dim witted but sweet hockey meatheads on our pride night. Kind of nice that these weren’t prepared statements but these guys get hit in the head a lot and it shows. I watched that Letterkenny clip Claire sent along, and not only is it hilarious… there are also two Muppet-faced young actor/hockey guys in that clip. Now, while I would’ve had massive crushes on both those boys in high school, I am too old to have crushes on either of them now — wouldn’t be prudent — but closeted teenage Dan would’ve simpled/pined so hard. (Be sure to watch all the way to the end because you don’t wanna miss a fisting joke that would never get past Standards and Practices at an American network.) And it turns out Claire isn’t the only one. From my Instagram DMs… Hi! Hockey fan and Magnum Sub! (I used to have a hockey podcast by and for women!) Just wanted to mention that the players don’t wear the jerseys during Pride Month because that’s in June and most teams have usually been eliminated in the playoffs by then. (The playoffs start in April.) So, I get the pride-all-the-time argument, but in this instance they don’t do it during Pride Month because they can’t. A gay male caller wondered why he wasn’t finding boyfriend/husband material on Grindr. Steve emailed to say… For the guy who says he tries to “connect” with guys he meets on apps but they don’t know how to do more than a hookup, are you perhaps moving things faster than they want to? I avoid people who say they are looking “for a relationship,” “for their soulmate,” “for a person to spend my life with,” etc. All of that is generally implied by dating, but putting it front and center makes me feel like I’m on an audition for husband. (And I was in a decades–long relationship, now widowed, in case he thinks I don’t know how to do one.) I’m now in a new four-year relationship that started as an app hook up. After a few times together we realized we like spending time with each other and gradually became a couple. It’s a good point. Men aren’t on Grindr looking for love — so even someone who might be open to making a connection that could lead to something more serious, e.g., someone who knows he wants a FWB, boyfriend, or husband, might wonder about someone who got on Grindr looking for love (always a possibility but not what we get on Grindr for, right?) and opt to hookup with someone who knew where he was, why he was there, and what other men — some of whom might be husband material — wanted from him. (One way we know there’s lots of husband material on Grindr? A lot of the guys on Grindr already have husbands.) Rick thought my response to FMACL — which featured a lot of great advice from Elle Chase — was too soft… I miss the old Dan Savage — which is to say, I miss the young Dan Savage of the 1990s, when he could cut through bullshit with only a handful of words. This is the issue in a nutshell: FMACL has more than doubled her body weight since she was a young woman, but is despondent that she can’t attract young and slim women like she used to. Of course she can’t. How many obese 41 year-olds was FMACL hitting on when FMACL was 26 and slim? FMACL’s only options at this point are to SETTLE for women like herself; obese and over-40. Or she can hold out hope that maybe a young, slim woman with “mommy” issues might want to work out a sexual fetish with FMACL…. Good thing that Dan has “evolved” on the weight issue, since the old Dan would have told FMACL to continue to lose weight. As for myself, I would also tell her to continue to lose weight through regular exercise and a healthy diet. Okay, first… FMACL didn’t say she felt entitled to a young, slim woman. She said she wanted to start dating again; she didn’t say she was seeking a partner in a particular age range or with a certain body fat percentage. You’re making that up, Rick. FMACL is worried that no would want her at her size — and she’s worried no will want her at the size she is now because her ex rejected her because her body had changed, which left her feeling like no would want her at the size she is now. That’s just objectively untrue. While I have evolved on this issue — while I no longer believe (because the science says otherwise) that weight is a simple as calories in, calories out (indeed, calories themselves seem to be bullshit) — I still think regular exercise and a balanced diet (not a diet you go on and off) are good for you, good for me, good for everybody. Not because we have to be a size zero and/or jacked to be worthwhile and/or desirable, but because exercise and a balanced diet — and cake, cookies, and ice cream are all a part of my balanced diet — helps us to feel comfortable in the bodies we have regardless of size. (Exercise has also been shown to be a great treatment for depression, which FMACL says she’s suffered from.) And if working out and creating a more balanced diet for herself is making FMACL feel better, I hope she keeps it up. And if the weight she’s at now turns out to be her set-weight and she’s never 125 pounds again, I hope she keeps doing whatever she’s doing now and learns to love her own body. I also hope she learns take “yes” for an answer from women who wanna love and embrace her body as it is right now. (Great essay from Rebecca Shaw today in The Guardian on fatphobia.) And The Doctor weighs in… One of the most important things I’ve learned is that no linear attractiveness scale exists. I always thought it was kind of a number-line quality, with some unfortunate people 0s and other, more lucky people 10s. It wasn’t until I was in my 30s (now in my 50s) that I realized mis-conceptualization is just nuts. Though my taste in long-term partners is conventional-adjacent, my type is not (entirely) what society tells us we should want. SWMs should like long blonde hair and big boobs, but I think that ideas for feminine beauty are more 1980s Annie Lennox and Jamie-Lee Curtis and less, I don’t know, Paris Hilton or whatever. We all have different, and as Dan correctly points out, subjectivetastes in partners. The Doctor’s comment goes on for several more paragraphs, the whole comment is excellent, and you should go read the whole thing. And always remember… unlike the everywhere else on the Internet… you wanna read the comments at savage.love. (One thing I miss from the old site? Being able to link directly to the comment thread or a particular comment in a thread.) Says Roo… I’m 42 and queer and have been probably following you since the mid 90’s. You are open minded, kind, smart and accepting. And made me more confident and communicative than I would have otherwise been with partners. And family. I don’t know if you know the Risk! Podcast, but if you ever do one, it will likely be a favorite. I suspect you guys would mesh. I appreciate your advocacy and sincerely respect you. You call it like it is. Thank you for the very sweet note, Roo. And do I know the Risk! Podcast? I’ve been on the Risk! Podcast! Let’s talk about pig’s blood, shall we? A listener with some sort of gore fetish — maybe vorarephelia or maybe hematolagnia or maybe a thing for infamous Broadway flops (a fetish that doesn’t have a name but does have a dining room) — wanted to purchase and perhaps enjoy a few gallons of pig blood. I thought it might be risky and suggested she use stage blood instead. Says Dr. Charles… You learn about a lot of weird diseases in medical school: bird fancier’s lung, eyeball parasites, maple syrup urine disease. Most of these I have never seen… but I know they exist. A number of diseases are associated with certain occupational exposures. I have never heard about slaughterhouse workers being sickened from blood exposure. I share your “what about stage blood” opinion, but there are enough humans around pig blood all the time we probably would if it were a big risk. Which is not to say that people who work in slaughterhouses aren’t at risk — they most certainly are — they’re just not, it seems, at risk of bloodborne diseases. Unless Sita here is right… I went to Google and here’s a list of diseases that your listener could be exposed to via pigs’ blood: E.coli, Erysipelas, Parvovirus, Circovirus, Ileitis, Glasser’s, Streptococcus suis and Clostridial diseases. Human Streptococcus suis infection is a zoonotic infection associated with pigs. The infection can be fatal, particularly if the specific strain produces certain toxins. S. suis infection can manifest itself in meningitis, toxic shock, septicemia and endocarditis. So, stage blood it is. And Michael, coming to us via Facebook, has some recommendations… Rather than risk the transmission of pathogens in unregulated blood products, they’d be better off exploring their kink using stage blood from companies like Mehron or NewRuleFX, which you can buy in a variety of size containers and which cleans up easier than actual blood. Says Jon… First: Ick! Second: Pasteurization! Cooking foods such as eggs at a very low temperature for a sufficient time will kill off microorganisms while retaining the “raw” taste and texture. Unfortunately finding information on how to pasteurize pig blood will take someone seriously interested in this particular topic, which isn’t me. Maybe call the bartender mentioned in this article. Last word to Nicholas… Definitely not kosher. And finally… I tore my left rotator cuff in the fall and I was finally supposed to get surgery to repair it last week. My surgery had to be rescheduled at the last minute — for six endless weeks from now — and I’m in a lotta pain here, as I’ve mentioned at the top of the show two weeks running. Well, as longtime listeners may recall, I actually got the same surgery on my right shoulder about six years ago, and longtime listener Leslie wrote in to remind me about one aspect of my self-care routine from back then… Last time you had shoulder surgery you asked for butt pics of our BF’s or husbands. I know you haven’t had surgery yet, but let me know if you want some comfort in the form of butt pics! My FWB is happily willing to oblige! (You complimented his butt last time!) Good Luck with the surgery! Yes to butt pics, Leslie. Short of a Trump indictment, nothing boosts the morale quite like a butt pic. And to boost your morale, dear reader, here’s one of the butt pics sent in by a listener last time (shared with permission)… And I feel better already.