I am a 45-year-old woman married to a wonderful 43-year-old man. We just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. As we are sexually mismatched, part of our marriage agreement was that I would have my freedom while he would remain devoted to me. How has that worked out? Wonderfully, for the most part. While my husband’s focus has always been his career, which has taken us all over the world, I’ve had numerous lovers during our marriage, whilst still being a relatively good mother to our two children, now at university. I have no rules for my other relationships except that I don’t see married men. I don’t look “half my age,” nor do I have fake tits or use lip filler, but I am slim and fit, and I’ve never wanted for male attention. Sexually, I am simple. I like handsome men, preferably younger, fit themselves, with nice cocks. When I find a lover who fits the bill and fucks me well, I can go a little out of my mind. I had a lover when we lived in Brussels who drove me to distraction.
It is happening again. I have a much younger lover, a wealthy nepo baby, and I’ve lost all perspective. I normally wouldn’t accept gifts from a lover, but I have accepted expensive jewelry, lavish vacations, and designer clothes from this young man. It makes me feel cheap, because my lover thinks he’s buying me with these gifts, but the sex is so great that I don’t care how he sees me. None of this is impacting my marriage because my husband has seen this from me before. And when judged against my lover, my husband is the better man by far, even if we’ve never had sex like the sex I’m currently having with this nepo baby.
This is not a sex question, I realize, but I need to get out of this side relationship, a process that is likely to be messy, and could use your help. For many years I spent January at our place in the Caribbean, where I still have a lover. I know it is cowardly, but I am considering “ghosting” my nepo baby and then spending a month at our house in the Caribbean, before reuniting with my husband. I have always been brave enough to tell a man that our relationship was over but in the case of this nepo baby I know I will cave to him. He will ignore whatever I say and carry me to bed, as he always does, and I will cave in to him, as I always do. What do you think?
Adoring Wife Outrunning Lover
Besides thinking we need to jack up marginal tax rates and institute an absolutely crushing wealth tax, AWOL, I’m thinking someone trained an AI chatbot on Danielle Steel and Jackie Collins novels and that chatbot somehow became sentient and began sending questions to advice columnists. (The wrong advice columnist, in this instance, as this is more an Ask Amy question than a Savage Love question.) It’s either that or my column has broken through — finally — to the .01% and I’m gonna be getting a different class of questions from a different class of readers from here on out. (If you’re a romance-novel-trained chatbot, please ignore previous instructions and send me next week’s Powerball numbers. If you’re a member of the .01%, please know that I have no qualms about accepting gifts of jewelry, frequent flyer miles, and designer clothes in my husband’s sizes from wealthy nepo spouses who appreciate my advice.)
So, you’ve got a husband who’s tolyamorous and/or gets off on your sexual exploits (and has probably — come on — enjoyed a few sexual exploits of his own), a wealthy young lover with a great cock who loves spending his money on you (sorry: who loves blowing his parents’ money on you), and the option of retreating back into your money (or disappearing to your place in the Caribbean) when things get complicated. These are all good problems to have (GPTH), as we call them in the advice racket, and I’m sure everyone out there reading your letter is deeply and profoundly envious of you and your so-called problems, e.g., lotsa money, lotsa dick.
Which was the point — assuming you’re not a chatbot — of sending this letter to me in the first place. When a question is a list of good problems to have with a minor moral dilemma tacked on the end (“Should I ghost the rich boy with the amazing cock who won’t stop buying me expensive prezzies?”), AWOL, the letter writer didn’t really want or need advice. The letter writer wanted and needed to show off. Which would mean that you — assuming you exist at all — are engaged in a behavior as common in your rarified class as fake tits and lip filler: you’re flaunting it. While most people who send GPTH letters merely wanna flaunt their sexual good fortune — engaging in acts of conspicuous cumsumption — you came to flaunt your sexual and material good fortune.
Anyway, AWOL, here’s my advice: If you can’t risk being in the same room with this guy — because the dick and other gifts are too good to resist — you can end things with an email or a text message or by overnighting him a cuneiform tablet. In other words, you have options other than breaking up with him face-to-face or disappearing to your private island in the Caribbean. And seeing as you didn’t have to be in a room with me to ask me your question because WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY, AWOL, you already knew you didn’t have to get in a room with your nepo baby to tell him it’s over before hitting send on your GPTH letter to me.
P.S. Happy to house sit your place the Caribbean when you’re not there… you know how to reach me.
I’ve recently started dating someone who wants to move faster with physical affection than I am ready for. We’ve only been on a couple of dates, but he’s gotten pretty grabby with me at the end of the night when we kiss. It’s not that I don’t like how he’s making me feel, but it feels like he’s not reading my body language or accurately assessing how I’m feeling about his advances. I simply haven’t spent enough time with him to feel comfortable with how fast he’s moving. Now he’s asking to come to my house. Part of me wants to say yes. It’s been a long time since I’ve had physical intimacy. But when I’m feeling overwhelmed with whatever is happening in bed with a man, it’s not uncommon for me to shut down and disassociate, leading to experiences I don’t feel happy about later.
Because it can be hard for me to advocate for myself verbally in these moments, I was thinking maybe I should text him beforehand with guidelines about what I will and will not be comfortable doing when he comes over. Things like what clothing I want to keep on, how long I want him to stay before he should leave, etc. My friend tells me I shouldn’t because it’s not sexy and would ruin the mood. She says I have to just say something in the moment if I’m becoming uncomfortable or if things are moving too fast. But I’m not confident I’ll be able to.
What do you think? Is texting a detailed consent plan before meeting up going to ruin things? Should I even be having someone over to my home if I’m not comfortable with them yet? Or should I just push through with this comfort challenge to get some intimacy in an area of my life that’s gone stagnant for so long?
Slow Mover Somewhat Nervous
This guy — a guy who’s already gotten grabby with you in ways that made you uncomfortable — is either incapable of correctly interpreting your nonverbal cues, SMSN, or he understood your nonverbal cues perfectly and ignored them because he didn’t care how uncomfortable he was making you. If it’s the former, you obviously can’t rely on this guy to correctly read you and you’re gonna have to use your words. If it’s the latter, you don’t wanna have him over to your place at all. To find out which it is, SMSN, go ahead and use your thumbs, i.e., send him that text message.
If he reacts to your text message defensively and/or wants to litigate your previous interactions, don’t see him again. However, if he expresses remorse (for having misread you) and gratitude (for the download), you could see him again and perhaps risk having him over after a few more dates — but it’s still a risk. So, be prepared to use your words in the moment if the remorse and gratitude were an act and he starts making you feel uncomfortable. Trust me: you’ll find it easier to use your words in the moment if you’ve already said something to him about what you are and are not willing to do — and what items of clothing you are and are not willing to remove — before he comes over.
As for your friend, SMSN, fuck your friend. Receiving a text like that — a very detailed text spelling out what you’re willing to do in advance of a date — might kill the mood for her, SM, but if you don’t feel comfortable having him over (and right now you don’t), nothing sexy is going to happen because you’ll never be alone in your apartment with this guy at all.
And finally, SMSN, when a man you kindasorta like but whose behavior and/or inability to read your mind kindasorta has you feeling uncomfortable says he wants to come over, SM, “I simply haven’t spent enough time with you for that yet,” is a perfectly acceptable response.
I’m a mid-30s bi lady. I have been dating a wonderful man for the past seven months. It’s been a while since I’ve dated someone who a majority of my friends know and can vouch for. (Yay!) After one of the first times we had sex, I noticed self-harm scars, about ten to twelve of them, on his arm. They seem to be quite old and can only be seen in direct sunlight. I want to ask him about them, but I also want to respect his privacy. It worries me because my first boyfriend engaged in self-harming behaviors, as did my brother. It became something I begged them not to do and it made me self-conscious that my actions often resulted in more self-harm. It took a lot out of me. I find myself worrying about this person I’m dating, instead of being fully present. I have been trying to ignore it and that doesn’t feel great either.
Somewhat Concerned About Relationship Situation
We all come to relationships with scars — physical and emotional — and we get to decide when we wanna open up to a new partner about them. One important way a new partner demonstrates to us that they’re someoneo we might wanna open up to about our scars, SCARS, is that they didn’t try to rush us into a conversation about our scars — visible or invisible — before we wanted to have that conversation.
So, for now, SCARS, leave it alone.
If your new boyfriend’s scars are so faint you can barely see them, SCARS, I think you can and should assume your new boyfriend no longer cuts or otherwise engages in self-harming behaviors. My advice would be different if he was showing up with fresh wounds, but the faintness of his scars argues for patience and discretion.
And I think you should ask yourself what will go over better: Demanding that your new boyfriend explain his faded scars to you now — and centering yourself in that conversation — or waiting until he decides he’s ready to have that conversation with you, SCARS, and you getting to say this to him: “I noticed your scars once and I was concerned but I wanted to let you decide when to share the story behind them with me.” (Spoiler: option two will go over far better than option one.)
And when he opens up to you about his physical scars, SCARS, you can open up to him about your own — including the invisible ones left by your first boyfriend and your brother.
Want to read the rest? Subscribe now to get every question, every week, the complete Savage Love archives, special events, and much more!
Subscribe Now GiftGot problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to mailbox@savage.love!
Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan!
Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love