Thank you for the birthday wishes and all the great Fucked Around and Found Out Something Good stories you shared publicly (in the comment thread on this week’s Lovecast) and privately. A couple of you asked me to share my own FAFOSG story, so here’s my top two: thirty years ago I fucked around in the bathroom of a gay bar in Seattle and found Terry. Twelve years ago I fucked around in a sex dungeon in Berlin and found my boyfriend. I’ve continued to fuck around and somehow — even at my advanced age — I keep finding out new things.
Okay, let’s struggle…
Took a call from a nonbinary PWC (person with COVID) who was annoyed at her partner for not wanting to come and comfort her — and hang out with her — despite her having a bad case of the less-deadly-but-still-deadly disease. Says S.L. Rashka on Twitter…
re: COVID call from Episode...
...ng a bad case of the less-deadly-but-still-deadly disease. Says S.L. Rashka on Twitter…
re: COVID call from Episode 936: 30% of cases are asymptomatic, you don’t need to be high risk to be damaged by COVID, but otherwise agree with your advice. Caller’s boyfriend may have been more “scared of Corona” than he let on, perhaps. 100% fair.
I listened to that call and regretted not going into my COVID story — which is a long one — and not addressing the caller’s annoyance with her partner who claimed he was “not afraid” of COVID but still refused to hang out with her, which they took as proof that their partner was an uncaring hypocrite. My husband is not afraid of bears. I am afraid of bears. So, Terry goes camping without me because — again — I’m afraid of bears. Terry knows bear attacks are rare, he keeps his campsite, well, if not quite bear-proof (no campsite is bear-proof), less likely to attract bears. And he takes these steps and others to keep bears away from his campsite because — even though he’s not afraid of bears — he still doesn’t want to be mauled to death by one. So, it’s possible the caller’s boyfriend isn’t afraid of COVID but still doesn’t want to contract it. And just as Terry wouldn’t be so foolish as to scatter Snickers bars around his campsite, the caller’s partner-of-sorts didn’t want to be so foolish as to cuddle and watch TV with someone who has an active and bad case of COVID.
Says Annie via email about that same call…
Dan, about the non-binary person on the latest podcast who had a partner who would not snuggle them when they was ill: You left out a major thing. Male types do not ever do enough for their partners when their partner is sick. Nurses tell terminally ill female-bodied people to expect their partner to leave them. Many people specifically get into longterm relationships for care when they do not feel well in exchange for giving care. If this person’s partner is not into that, that is his decision and fine. But he needs to make it clear to his partners that he will not care for them when they are sick. So many men just up and leave when their partner needs a little help when their partner has gone out of their way to care for them. Part of asking men to be better and be better partners is demanding and expecting care when you need it and leaving immediately if you do not get it.
He didn’t want to be in the same room with her — he didn’t want to snuggle her — because she had COVID. That seems relevant — and reasonable. That he had to be importuned to run a couple of errands for the caller, who didn’t have enough food in their apartment, is inexcusable. While the caller thought of him as a partner and someone they could rely on in a crisis, he clearly thought of them as a very casual sex partner and nothing more. A good friend brings you groceries when you’re sick and a regular FWB — a friend with benefits — should do the same without having to be begged.
As for whether male types are likelier to abandon sick partners… the widely-cited 2015 study that showed men were six times likelier to divorce their sick wives than wives were to divorce their sick husbands was retracted three months later. The retracted study continues to be cited everywhere and “straight men abandon their sick wives” (which Newt Gingrich actually did) is just something everyone knows. And while it may be true, we don’t have proof — and not because people didn’t try to replicate the results of that retracted study. (For more — a lot more — on this zombie study, go here.)
Says A. via email…
Longtime listener, first time emailer. Just wanted to thank you for using the phrase “disembodied floating dicks” on a recent episode. Part of me wanted to immediately start a band called the Disembodied Floating Dicks. But seriously, I resemble that statement. I’m still trying to figure myself out. I love dicks, but not so much the dudes attached to them. Your show has helped me tons towards finding myself and not feeling so ashamed about my unconventional appetites — so thanks a million, Dan, for what you do.
You’re welcome, A. — and while I thought I may have coined the phrase “disembodied floating dicks,” a quick Google search proved I wasn’t the first person to use it. (Link NSFW.) But, hey, google “DWYNTDTSMASS” and you get just four results, all links to Savage Love, so I still have that all to myself. And while I don’t think it will catch on — unlike tolyamory, DWYNTDTSMASS is not going to make it into the OED one day — I think it’s useful and I will continue to use it.
‘
Says Anonymous via email…
Could you please — PLEASE — put cannibalism on your list of things not discussed along with a thing for kids or a kink for poop? This topic needs to be on that list too! I can handle stories about mice. But mentioning a podcast where someone cooks their leg… I want to throw my phone down! It’s too creepy and sad, Dan. Please stop!
Sexual cannibalism came up in the intro to Episode 935 in reference to praying mantises, certain spider species, and these Australian marsupials who fuck around and find out they’re dead (if they’re male) or fuck around and find out they’re hungry for dead males (if they’re female). The last time cannibalism came up on the show was when we discussed Armie Hammer on an episode of Sex & Politics with journalist James Kirchick more than a year ago. Prior to that interview, I don’t think sexual cannibalism had come up on the show for years — not since I talked about the Armie Hammer scandal when it first broke in 2021. So, while I can’t promise you sexual cannibalism won’t come up again ever, Anonymous, I can promise you that it doesn’t come up often.
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Says Bill on Twitter…
Listening to a @cartalk podcast while I canvass. A woman asks for advice about what to do while her husband is away for a year for work. Click and Clack — the show’s hosts — say “Get a boyfriend,” and they all laugh at the *obvious* joke. I feel like @fakedansavagewould give the same advice and mean it!
I would have given the same advice — a year-long separation calls for a DADT agreement — and I definitely would’ve meant it. (Thank you, Bill, for canvassing for Kamala!)
Says Diana…
Alright. I give up. Where is the Muppet Faced man? I never see this. What am I doing wrong?
You’re not doing anything wrong, Diana. I stopped posting a Muppet-Faced Man of the Week a couple of months ago — so, you’ll have to dive into the Struggle Session archives to find them. I’m happy to bring back the MFMTW if readers and listeners want me to. What say you all?
Okay, here’s this week’s letter that won’t — for reasons — be making it into the column…
I recently read one of your articles about a man who liked to masturbate in front women but only if they wanted to watch him. That’s my main interest! But every time I try to look the subject up, I don’t find much about it. I know some women like men to watch them masturbate. I am starting to wonder if there are any women out there who want to watch a guy like me doing the same for them. I would personally love to give a woman a show like that. Have I found something that I really enjoy but women don’t care for? How do you find out if someone is interested in watching you masturbate for them? Got any ideas on the subject? I probably would pass out if a woman asked me to do this for her. I’m not gay.
Just About Came Knowing
I don’t know what article not gay JACK is referring to here — I’ve written a lot of columns and I can’t remember them all (please include links when referencing past columns!) — but if one of you knows what column not gay JACK means, please drop the link in the comments along with any advice you might have for not gay JACK, our not gay letter writer. (Don’t know why not gay Jack included that detail at the end. Maybe he didn’t want me getting my hopes up?)