Welcome to Struggle Session, where I respond — sometimes at unreasonable length — to comments from my listeners and readers.
First up, Bowman on BlueSky appreciated the opening of this week’s show…
I just listened to your last episode and it was fucking great. I really needed it. Globally this is having repercussions (I am in Australia) and TBH you and Chuck Tingle are going to get me through it.
Davidie could see what I was trying to do with my opening rant this week, but…
I know you’re trying to help with a fun idea and bless you for trying, Dan, but… your intro bummed me out, as a straight single monogamous woman. The idea of living in a harem and passing around one guy is not appealing to me. It would be really nice to have basics like being able to afford rent and meeting a dude who values an equitable division of housework and doesn’t vote for an idiot. Apparently that’s too much to hope and dream for these days. What a bummer.
I tricked TherapyJeff into coming back on the Lovecast and Nina really appreciated what Jeff had to say…
Thank you for having Jeff Guenther on the Micro Lovecast. It was very therapeutic and what I needed during this time in America.
But it wasn’t all flowers: Royal objected to my advice (DTMFA!) for people who found out this week that their romantic partners voted for Trump…
People who cannot get past differences where political opinions are concerned don’t deserve to be in relationships. That’s how simple it is. And please stop talking badly about Trump supporters — that’s why Kamala lost.
The issue isn’t whether people “deserve” to be in relationships, Royal, the issue is whether people want to be in relationships with Trump voters. And as countless Trump voters have been finding out since last Tuesday, a lot of people would rather be alone than stuck with one of them for the rest of their lives. Hell, there are a lot of people out there who can’t stand the thought of having to look at one of them across the Thanksgiving dinner table for two hours.
And are you seriously suggesting that we were the ones — that Dems were the ones — out there “talking badly” about the other side?
Trump supporters cheered when Trump called Democrats “evil” and “dangerous” and described half the country as “enemies from within” and threatened to — promised to — turn the military on US citizens. Trump called Harris “retarded” in private and a “shit vice president” in public. And the crowd at one of his rallies cheered when Trump said he “wouldn’t mind” if someone opened fire on the media. I could cite a million examples of Republicans — from Newt Gingrich in 1988 (who ordered GOP members of Congress to describe Democrats as sick and radical traitors out to destroy the country) to Donald Fucking Trump in 2024 — talking about Democratic politicians, liberals, and progressives in the vilest possible terms.
You don’t get to cheer for assholes, vote for assholes, dress like assholes, and act like assholes and then collapse into puddles when people say, “Jesus, what a bunch of assholes.” And, I’m sorry, but your side doesn’t get to call for a “national divorce” and then complain when people start deciding to actually divorce their Trump-supporting spouses. You also don’t get to run around screaming “fuck your feelings” in the faces of “libtards” and then call for a timeout because you’re suddenly having the feels.
The days when Republicans set one set of rules for themselves (“We get to dish it out and you have to take it!”) while dictating another set of rules to Democrats (“You’re not allowed to dish it out because — waah! — we can’t take it!”) are over.
Getting lots of variations on this email since last Tuesday…
Can we get ITMFA merch back? I need some now.
Says InvariantBlackout…
To the caller who got the text from her boyfriend meant for the trans sex worker: Bisexual men exist, attraction to genitals doesn’t always have anything to do with attraction to certain genders, and you’re asking all the wrong questions. Why does it matter if your boyfriend is secretly gay or bi or straight with a craving for girl cock? You should dump him if you can’t deal with his inability to be honest with you or himself about his desires and sexual activity.
And to Dan: I know this question is your bread and butter… but damn. How many times are you going to say “I don’t know” to a straight girl asking if her boyfriend is secretly gay? It’s sooooo boring!
While I don’t get those IMBG (“Is my BF gay?”) questions from straight and/or bi women as often I used to, Invariant, I get them often enough that I could pull together whole shows where every one of my responses begins with, “Look, I don’t know if your boyfriend is secretly gay.” I would never do a show like that because a show like that would be boring — although I’m tempted now to do a show like that just to be contrary — but I can’t ignore every IMBG question.
And I gotta say…
I can understand why a boyfriend’s secret gayness might matter to a straight woman. (Why would a straight woman wanna be with a man who isn’t attracted to her and can’t love her?) I have less patience with women who worry about their boyfriends being a tiny bit bisexual and/or secretly attracted to trans women who haven’t had bottom surgery and/or into dick but not dudes (IDBND) in some other way. (We can’t be all things sexually to our partners, our partners are entitled to a zone of erotic autonomy, etc.) But I can nevertheless understand why a woman who stumbled over evidence her boyfriend might be IDBND would question more than just his honesty.
Also, an attraction to certain genitals doesn’t always indicate an attraction to a certain gender — hey, I’m the one out here trying to normalize IDBND — but an attraction to a certain kind of genitals does correlate very strongly with an attraction to a certain sex. Not necessarily an exclusive attraction, of course, but an attraction nonetheless.
Says SanFusis…
Re: The mom who wants advice on talking to her nine-year-old about dad’s whereabouts when he sleeps over at his girlfriend’s place. PLEASE don’t lie to your daughter about this! There is no need! Just tell her he’s staying at a friend’s house, you know where he is, and he’ll be home in the morning. Provide this info calmly and in a matter-of-fact way. That’s all she needs. If you make up stories about where he is you will be caught in a totally unnecessary lie and it will blow up in your face.
Lots of listeners objected to the caller telling her daughter she “didn’t know” where daddy was when he was spending the night at his other partner’s place — and I regret not spotting that and flagging it myself. While I don’t think the caller’s daughter is going to be wind up with an anxious-attachment style (the worst attachment style after all the others), that particular answer to her daughter’s question (“Where’s daddy?”) could cause her daughter to worry. When we’re little (and nine still counts as little), we want our parents to know where we are at all times (roughly) and, if we have two parents, to know where each other are at all times (again, roughly speaking). We don’t want them to lose track of us… and we don’t want them to lose track of each other. Since the truth will more than suffice here — dad’s at a friend’s place — why make shit up?
Gene took to Twitter to alert me of something…
Dana Thompson wasn’t a “Portland nonprofit.” Thompson, according to the info page at the Dana Thompson Memorial Fund of Awesome‘s website, “was an artist, activist and advocate. Her work in music, film, theater, and public health enriched many lives.” Thompson sang with the Portland-based band Dartgun & the Vignettes and was a performer in Trek in the Park, I’m happy to share the DTMFA initialism with this great organization… but I’ll admit to being a little jealous that they they snagged DTMFA.org before I thought of it.
Says Awl via email…
Not a question but a suggestion: I’d love to hear Matteo Lane on your show. Thanks!
Nine times out of ten… when someone asks me to have someone on my show… they’ve already been on my show!
And really tremendous advice in this week’s comment thread — amazing advice — for Mr. Bi Viking from NoCuteName and ZoftigTheMagnificent.
Alright, since you — my readers and listeners — did a great job responding to the mom who didn’t know what to tell her kid about where her father was when he was sleeping at his girlfriend’s house (a much better job I did), I’m going to pass this question off to you guys…
Hello, Dan! I am a 34-year-old mom with an 11-year-old son. My husband and I have a blended family with two older children, both of whom are already out of the house. My husband and I have a great sexual dynamic: we swing happily, we enjoy BDSM together, and go to lifestyle parties. We also create and share adult content. I’m bisexual, he is not. He fully supports me playing with women. We recently went to Hedonism II in Jamaica. While we were there, I filmed some content with another creator. She told me that her whole family knows what she does — her parents and her kids. This is where my husband and I don’t see eye to eye. I don’t believe my 11-year-old son is old enough to understand yet… so, I don’t think he should know now… but I hate secrecy and I’m not ashamed of what I do. What I don’t want is for my son to find out because some friend of his found a pic or video of me online. (I have easily identifiable tattoos.) My husband thinks we shouldn’t tell our kids. What do you think, Dan? Should we tell them — my son included — that mom creates content or not mention it at all?
Adult Content Creator
Have some advice for ACC? Drop it in the comments!
And… if you spot a typo, please let me no!