...to Gag For the millionth time, the smell and taste of our bodily fluids, like pussy juice and come, are largely determined by what we ingest. If all your boyfriend drinks is coffee and beer, if all he does all day is smoke cigs and snort crystal, if he eats nothing but bacon and bleu cheese burgers, then everything he excretes is gonna smell and taste vile. He can sweeten his love loads by drinking plenty of water, avoiding nicotine, caffeine, and alcohol, and eating bushels of fresh fruits and vegetables (except, of course, for the dreaded asparagus, which makes come taste exactly like Beaver Brand Tangy Hot Mustard). However, no matter how bland his diet or pure his intentions, your boyfriend’s love loads are always going to taste an awful lot like come. He’s never going to shoot vanilla yogurt, if that’s what you’re hoping, for the same reasons your pussy is never gonna drip crème fraîche. Come is definitely an acquired taste–but acquired taste is one of those things that sets adults apart from children and other lower life forms. Adults learn to like raw oysters or black coffee or sashimi by forcing ourselves to put the shit in our mouths and swallow it. So, like, you’re an adult, right? Acquire the taste. I am a 22-year-old Chinese male who for the last seven years has been concerned with the size of my penis. I went to an all-boys boarding school for four years, and heard comments from individuals who assumed that I have a small penis purely because Chinese men are smaller. Recently I realized that measuring manhood based on my penis size is misleading. My revelation began when my girlfriend told me my penis was bigger than those of white guys she’d dated in the past. Before meeting my girlfriend, I did not date for four years, out of fear that my penis would not satisfy any of the women I was interested in. I’m not a bad-looking guy. In fact, when you, Dan Savage, were in Halifax, Nova Scotia, last summer to speak, you commented on my ass while I was working as a rickshaw runner. This leads my question: WHERE DID THE STEREOTYPE THAT CHINESE MEN HAVE SMALLER PENISES COME FROM? Chinese Warrior Knowing how sensitive people are to the separate and distinct issues of cock size and racial differences, I fear offending everyone on earth by addressing the intersection of these two hot-button issues. But I will say this: The biggest ones I’ve ever seen were on black guys in locker rooms, and the smallest ones I’ve ever seen were on white guys in bedrooms. Where did the stereotype about Chinese men having small cocks come from? I don’t know, but clearly, I didn’t get the rumor rolling. By the way, CW, you’re still misleading yourself about dick size. Only when your girlfriend revealed you were bigger than some white guys she’s dated–which isn’t saying much, judging from the white guys I’ve seen–did you stop worrying about the size of your dick? Really, you’re still “measuring manhood based on penis size.” You became secure in your manhood when you realized you were “big enough”–bigger than some white guys–and not when you realized that dick size doesn’t matter. Follow me? And finally, if you’re concerned about Chinese stereotypes, why were you pulling a rickshaw around Halifax? In response to “Film Guy,” who wanted to know where to get some dirty pictures developed, “Joe” recommended he take his film to a store that ships film to a “huge” photo lab, “where everything is totally automated, and no one ever looks at the pictures.” I work in a huge photo lab, and I can tell you that Joe doesn’t know what he’s talking about. We use the same equipment as one-hour places. When the pictures come out of the “totally automated” machine, a human being picks them up, flips through them to check for dust marks, color quality, etc., and then makes sure they go into the correct person’s envelope. Most of us have seen enough nudie pics that they aren’t a huge deal. We are constantly entertained by the numerous guys who take pictures looking down at their own genitals. What’s the deal? Can’t these guys look at their dicks whenever they want? Why record them on film? Lab Boy Various studies have shown that men, gay and straight, are aroused by the sight of their own cocks. Since guys can’t look down at their own genitals whenever and wherever we want to, a few wallet-sized photos can come in very handy at church, at work, or on public transportation. You recommended Wal-Mart to “Film Guy” as a possible source of discreet film processing. I had an experience with Wal-Mart recently that contradicts your advice. I took a Caribbean vacation in January, and took three pictures of some women on the beach who took their tops off. When I returned home, I dropped my film off at the local Wal-Mart, which has a one-hour lab. When I flipped through the results, I discovered that those particular pics were missing. Upon confronting the staff, I was told my pictures where deemed too offensive to print. They told me the pictures were in fact printed but immediately destroyed. Thank you and have a nice day. No explanation was offered until I asked. There was no disclaimer anywhere in their store, and they offered no apology. A letter sent to them went unanswered. I wouldn’t recommend Film Guy take his film anywhere within sniffing distance of a Wal-Mart, especially the Wal-Mart in Brampton, Ontario. I did some research and discovered that I could have taken my pictures pretty much anywhere else. I would give your readers two bits of advice: Be honest, and describe the contents of the roll before dropping it off. Secondly, I would find a photo shop that caters to photography students and artists. They are more likely to be open-minded about nudity. Wiser About Wal-Mart Dozens of people wrote in complaining about Wal-Mart censoring their pictures, including perfectly innocent pictures of fully clothed same-sex couples kissing. Hm. My calls to Wal-Mart were unreturned, leaving no option but to conduct some research of my own. I stuck my tongue in my boyfriend’s mouth, took some pictures, and sent the film to a Wal-Mart in Dallas, Texas, for photo processing. Then I stuck my tongue in the mouth of my sister, took some pictures, and sent the film to a Wal-Mart near Milwaukee, Wisconsin for processing. When I get my photos back, I’ll let my readers know what Wal-Mart finds more objectionable: homosexuality or incest. !-- Dingbat -- [email protected]