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What Men Really Want

Joe Newton

For the last eight years, I’ve been taping myself naked and jacking off solo with a camcorder. Nothing too far out, I just thought it would be fun. Here’s the problem: I’m 21 now, and don’t know what to do with these old vids of myself. The person on the tape is clearly me, and I’ve racked up quite a huge archive over the years. I’ve been called really cute by many people and since the wallet is low, can I sell them? Do they check the age? I’m old enough now, but could I just say I was over 18 the whole time they were being made? How do they check the age? What would you recommend a guy in my shoes do?

Porn Star

As I haven’t reviewed these video tapes personally, you’ll have to take my advice with a grain of salt. However, I will...

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...personally, you’ll have to take my advice with a grain of salt. However, I will happily revisit this sensitive issue in another column if you would send copies of these tapes to me, all of them, in NTSC video format (for the American market) and PAL format (for the lucrative European market). Thank you. Okay, the tapes you made of yourself before you turned 18 are, technically, child pornography. While it is illegal to possess, produce, or distribute child pornography, the fact that you made these tapes of yourself masturbating sent me scurrying for a guest expert. While it’s illegal for a 21-year-old to own a videotape of a 13-year-old masturbating, I wasn’t sure it would be illegal for a 21-year-old to own a videotape of himself masturbating at 13. I mean, would a kid who took a nude Polaroid of himself wind up in jail? “No, he wouldn’t,” our guest expert assured me. As a criminal prosecutor who’s put a few child pornographers in jail, our guest expert did not wish to be identified. We’ll call her Helen, after rail-thin D.A. Helen Gamble on ABC’s The Practice. “Possessing these tapes is not against the law–for him,” Helen told me. “Showing them to another minor could be considered sexual exploitation, but of the other person who views the tapes. Certainly selling them would be illegal. It would also be illegal for a minor to make tapes of himself with intent to sell them,” meaning it’s illegal for minors to produce child pornography. “But making these tapes for his own pleasure? That’s not illegal.” Could you lie about your age? Maybe, but if you have a run-in with the law, police and prosecutors won’t just take your word for how old you were when the tape was made. “Pediatric social workers and physicians review this kind of material, and by looking at things like bone development and secondary sexual characteristics, they can pretty closely determine the age range of a person in the tapes.” Finally, consider this: With the advent of the Internet, porn is forever. Once those tapes are out of your control, count on your picture and perhaps your videos turning up on hundreds of porn sites. Once upon a time, a person could do a porno or pose naked for a magazine with some assurance that, sooner or later, the pics would be out of circulation. Not anymore. Porn lives forever online, each pic being endlessly copied and posted. If you do decide to sell those tapes, be prepared for your grandkids to find them online someday. My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years, and about six months ago an incident occurred. Right before we left for a nice weekend at his parents’ house, I told my boyfriend that we should pack. Fifteen minutes later his father comes up and blurts out, “Why is she up here sucking your dick?” All we were doing was packing! Then my boyfriend’s mom comes up, and says I upset her husband! I started throwing my things in the car, and my boyfriend’s mom followed me out, calling me a whore! His mom followed me back into the house, saying nasty words to me in front of her son. The whole time this is happening my boyfriend is calmly packing! (Later he told me it was because he wanted to get his stuff packed and leave ASAP.) I got so mad, I told her that if her son and I ever have kids she will never see them. That’s when she punched me! When I asked her why she hit me, she said she didn’t hit me! My boyfriend’s parents have not apologized. Why hasn’t he put his foot down and told his parents that they were wrong? I love my boyfriend, but when he goes to see his parents it tears me apart. I just need some closure so I can start healing. Traumatized Why are you still with this guy? You want closure? Dump him. He stood there and did nothing while his father insulted you and his mother assaulted you! If I let my mother slap him around, he’d never speak to me again. (Not that he doesn’t enjoy being slapped around, but not by my mother.) Sit your boyfriend down and say, “Fuck you and fuck your parents! I am so out of here!” Until he understands that he can’t have you unless he stands up to Mommy and Daddy, he won’t do it. Stay, and he’ll never stick up for you. Leave, and he may start, if only to get you back. I’m a girl who reads your column all the time and sleeps with boys and girls, and I gotta say, you’re flat-out wrong about straight boys not liking their tits played with. Lots of straight boys are surprised when you start playing with their tits, and then are surprised by how much they like it. Not all straight boys want you to concentrate on their cocks. They like tit action too. I’m speaking from experience–how about you? Jane I have some experience with straight boys’ tits, and, yes, some straight boys like having their tits played with. But some don’t, and, more importantly, most don’t miss tit action when they don’t get it. Scared Of Boobs was worried her big-titted boyfriend would expect her to play with his tits, and perhaps I was a bit too emphatic when I said that straight guys don’t like tit action. However, I was merely trying to allay SOB’s fear that tit action would be expected of her. As you yourself admit, the straight boys whose tits you’ve played with were “surprised” by the attention, and didn’t expect nor require tit action to get off. None of the straight boys you’ve messed around with–and none of the ones I’ve messed around with–would have missed tit action had we not taken the tit initiative. SOB’s boyfriend won’t either. SOB could have been writing about me. I’m a large-breasted man. This hasn’t been an issue lately, as I haven’t had sex in years. As long as I am not looking for a sex partner, I can have all the women I want for friends. I prefer to have female friends to a lifelong string of humiliations. Boob Boy Go see a cosmetic surgeon, BB. Between 5,000 and 10,000 men in North America get breast reduction surgery every year, and you could be next. Expect to pay between $3,000 and $5,000, and expect some “loss of sensation” as a result. But sensation loss shouldn’t be an issue for you, as you’re not getting any sensation now. letters@savagelove.net