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The Outsiders

Joe Newton

Question about genders and dating apps which I will try to keep brief. I am a 45-year-old married cis male. After more than a decade of dipping in and out of the swinging lifestyle, my wife and I have decided to open up to dating other people. I’m trying to catch up with the language of dating apps. I would like to express that I am open to dating people of various genders and orientations so long as they don’t have a penis. I am attracted to lots of different kinds of people along the masc/femme continuum, but I know from personal experience that I’m not interested in D. “Looking for people AFAB” was suggested by a friend, but that doesn’t seem very nice to me. Any suggestions on how to convey this in a way that doesn’t sound awful? Also, if a “straight” man has sex with or dates a...

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...doesn’t sound awful? Also, if a “straight” man has sex with or dates a non-binary-identifying AFAB individual, would he be considered bisexual? Oh, and you don’t need to tell me this is all moot. I am aware that middle-aged and married cis dudes don’t pull a lot of likes from beautiful, non-binary folks anyway. Concerning Intimate Semantical Meanings And Nuances Climbing out on a limb here to say… there’s nothing bisexual about a person who was assigned/observed male at birth and who currently identifies with his assigned/observed sex and is exclusively attracted to AFAB persons, CISMAN, not even when that guy is balls deep in the vagina of someone who uses they/them pronouns. If I had to slap a label on the sex you’re hoping to have with AFAB enbies… if someone held a gun to my head and forced me to print out a label… I would slap the “straight sex” label on it. And that’s fine, CISMAN, as consensual straight sex is nothing to be ashamed of and can be quite lovely. It’s also how God makes more queers, so — by all (consensual) means — have at. Now, an AFAB person who identifies as non-binary is queer — because, like, you know, of course they are — but having sex with a queer person doesn’t automatically make you queer. Like a straight guy with a bisexual girlfriend, CISMAN, fucking or dating a non-binary AFAB individual doesn’t magically make you something other than straight. But since a non-binary AFAB is queer, a straight guy in a relationship with a non-binary AFAB is in a queer relationship, just like a straight guy with a bisexual girlfriend is in a queer relationship. But I would argue — and this is a hill my gay ass is prepared to die on — that cis straight guys who are only interested in AFAB persons, regardless of how they identify or present, so long as those AFAB persons have vaginas they can stick their dicks in, those guys — guys like you — are and always will be straight guys. Moving the fuck on… “Exclusively attracted to AFAB people, however they identify,” is not only a perfectly respectful way of asking the Internet for what you want, CISMAN, it’s a good way to avoid wasting the time of people who don’t have what you want. Despite what you may have heard from some loud people online, “genital preferences” are not bigotry. Sexual orientations are real, and primary sex characteristics are something our sexual orientations orient us toward. While some people are attracted to particular kinds of gender expression and genitals are irrelevant or interchangeable — and some any-junk-will-do types don’t realize this about themselves until giving it some thought (so everyone should give it some thought) — for most people, the combo platter of gender presentation and primary sex characteristics are hardwired dealmakers. People who argue with one breath that sex matters very much when it comes to their gender identity — and conflict between the two must (quite rightly) be resolved in gender’s favor — can’t turn around and argue with the next breath that sex shouldn’t matter at all when it comes to other people’s sexual orientations. That cunt won’t hunt. Finally, CISMAN, don’t sell yourself short! You may not be overwhelmed by the response you get online (most men aren’t), but you’re gonna be someone’s jam. But to optimize your odds of success, don’t rely exclusively on dating and hookup apps. The increasing “enshitification” of dating apps, as the brilliant writer Cory Doctorow puts it, is inspiring people to go actual places and do actual things again in the hopes of meeting actual people who actually wanna fuck them. So, in addition to putting your profile up on apps, head out to bars and clubs where you feel comfortable, go to or throw parties and invite your friends to bring friends, join a few clubs, and volunteer for an organization whose mission you support. Because you never know: a hot AFAB person — binary or non — who would’ve swiped left on your photo might actually wanna fuck you after meeting your straight cis married ass in person. I’m one of those basic heteroromantic bisexual dudes — attracted to women sexually and romantically, but only attracted to men sexually — but I did the right thing and came out to my wife very early in our relationship. (Credit to years of reading you.) She broke up with me at first, then we got back together, and after two years, she gave me permission to have sex with other men so long as all outside sex was as safe as I could make it. (Condoms, PrEP-on-demand, doxypep.) Her only other rule: just men, no other women. (You could say she has a strict “one-pussy” policy.) Everything is out in the open except one thing: My wife thinks I’m a top. Years after giving me the okay, she confessed — during sex — that she enjoys thinking about me penetrating other men. She thinks me topping other men is hot because it makes me an even bigger stud. (Her word, not mine.) Thing is, I’m almost always the bottom with men. On the rare occasion when I do top someone, it’s a dominant bottom twink into sub tops. My wife has gone from not wanting me to have sex with other men to wanting to hear about my experiences to tentatively suggesting she might want to watch me penetrate one of my “skinny twink bottom boys” at some point. I don’t know where she got that — I’m not into twinks (except the rare dominant one) and I never used that word around her. The guys I’m typically into are bigger, stronger, older, and very into dominating and fucking me. I’ve played along with my wife’s assumption that I’m a top for years. What do I do here? Basic Bisexual Bottom P.S. She doesn’t read your column. I tried to get her into your column and podcast, but she felt you were crude and used more profanity than you needed to in order to get your point across. If your wife is erotically invested in this mental image of you as a dominant top — if she’s aroused in hole or in part by the idea of her husband being a hole-destroying stud — knowing you bottom could be a libido killer for her. But seeing as your wife went from not wanting to hear about you fucking other men to possibly wanting to watch you fuck another man in front of her, BBB, your wife’s erotic imagination might be expansive enough to incorporate the bottom you actually are into her erotic mental image of you. So, I think being honest with her is the best way to go here, BBB, but you can test the waters by bringing up vers guys you’ve played with — while being vague about who fucked who — and talking about how studly they were. And since she’s curious about watching two men have sex, you could show her some gay porn featuring a dominant power bottom being served by a sub top and then talk about a few of the dom bottoms you’ve encountered out there. It is hot to think about keeping the lie going by recruiting one of those dominant vers bottoms to play the sub in front of the wife in exchange for him getting to absolutely destroy your ass later — full disclosure: I spent a little time thinking about it — but involving someone else takes this from passive deceit to active deceit. So, as hot as this suggestion might be, BBB, maybe don’t do it. (But if you do, please write back.) P.S. Is that what she said? Well, fuck her then. I’m a 44-year-old cis woman in a long-term relationship. Ten years together, the last five have been sexless. There’s the occasional hug or cuddle, but no kissing, no oral, no intercourse. I’m feel frustrated, needless to say, and completely defeated on top of that. My partner will not talk about this or deal with it at all. Leaving him is not an option. My question is: I’m looking to take a lover — LOL (are they still calling it that?) and I have someone in mind: a guy I’ve been buddies with for several years. I like him, I trust him, and I find him incredibly sexy. I think the feelings are mutual. How do I go about asking this guy to be my lover? As I mentioned, I feel so defeated and out of the loop sexually that I have absolutely no confidence in my sexuality. The fear of rejection from this potential lover is keeping me paralyzed. What do I do? Leaving Isn’t A Realistic Solution You’ll never get what you want — you’ll never get who you want — if you can’t bring yourself to ask for it. Well, that’s not entirely true. Sometimes we get lucky and the person we want asks us before we work up the courage to ask them. But in a case like yours, LIARS, in a case where the person you want knows you’re married and 1.) doesn’t know if your marriage is open or 2.) doesn’t want to be a party to cheating or 3.) doesn’t give a shit about cheating but doesn’t trust their reading of your interactions because you’re married and theoretically unavailable and they assume you’re not flirting with intent so they’re not going to make a move… yeah, in a case like yours, LIARS, you’re gonna have to do the asking. Now, you might get rejected — that’s always a risk — but the quickest way to overcome a fear of rejection, LIARS, is by desensitizing yourself to the negative effects of rejection through exposure therapy. Meaning, make a respectful pass at this guy (don’t lunge; use your words), offer a simple and prompt (not abject and profuse) apology if he isn’t interested, acknowledge things will be awkward the next time you run into each other… but you’ll power through it like the grownups you are. You won’t come to love rejection, but you’ll quickly learn that it’s not fatal, LIARS, and you’ll feel less paralyzed by the fear of it the next time you wanna ask someone — and eventually, you’ll get the “yes” you were hoping for, which has a way of making the sting of the “no’s” you got along the way fade. But… Before you ask this guy if he wants to fuck, there’s something you need to say to your current partner: “You know I love you, and you know I’m not going anywhere. But our relationship isn’t sexual anymore, and we need to acknowledge that. Now, I’m not asking you to talk about this — I know you don’t want to talk it — I’m just asking you to listen. What I need to say is this: If you ever wanted to find sex outside our relationship — just sex, not intimacy — I’m fine with that. I’m going to assume you’re fine with me doing the same. I love you and want you to be happy, and I know you want the same for me.” P.S. I’m taking your word for it when you say that leaving isn’t a realistic scenario — there are lots of reasons people stay in relationships that aren’t meeting their sexual needs, and sometimes those reasons are sound. I’m wanna give you the benefit of the doubt here, LIARS, and I wanna remind everyone else out there that telling someone to do the “right thing” and get a divorce is easy, but actually getting a divorce is hard — and while cheating is always wrong, there times when divorce is the greater wrong. Discuss. Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to mailbox@savage.love! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love

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