On our way home from dinner with friends, my wife and I enjoy talking about who among our friends we could imagine having sex with. These conversations get especially interesting when the woman I could imagine having sex with is married to the man my wife could imagine having sex with. Naturally, this raises the question of a “swap.”
Is there a protocol for suggesting to another couple that they entertain the idea of a “swap?” Or does it just require getting everyone really drunk?
Robert McGinley is President of the North American Swing Club Association (NASCA), has a Ph.D. in psychology, and has been called the “swingers’ guru” more times than he cares to remember.
“In my experience, it is not a wise idea, and rarely successful, to try to introduce one’s dinner companions to swinging unless you’re sure that couple is interested or...
Want to read the rest? Subscribe now to get every question, every week, the complete Savage Love archives, special events, and much more!
...to introduce one’s dinner companions to swinging unless you’re sure that couple is interested or already involved in swing activities,” Robert said when I shared your letter with him. “Good friends are hard to find, so why risk mucking up a friendship by making an advance? Also, if the other couple is shocked, they may tell others of your advance, affecting other friendships. Far better to go to a swing club, one that is couple-oriented, and make new friends who are already into swinging.”
Robert would give that advice, wouldn’t he? As the head of a trade association for swing clubs, it’s Robert’s job to direct horny married couples to NASCA’s paying members, and discourage freelance swinging. But conflicts of interest aside, I have to say I agree with Robert. When it comes to major kink–and swinging is major–it’s best to meet like-minded pervs through like-minded perv organizations or at like-minded perv bars or parties. At NASCA’s inevitable website (www.nasca.com), you’ll find listings for swing clubs all over the world. “Look up clubs in the state you live in,” Robert suggested, “and call the clubs that sound interesting.” I went online and found eight clubs where you live, JC.
What kind of people will you meet? “Couples involved in swinging are the cream of the crop,” said Robert–but again, Robert would have to say that. The head of NASCA is not going to say, “swingers are scum,” is he? But once again, I’m going to back Robert up: Some of my best friends are swingers, and some are the cream of the crop. “The last study I saw put the median age for men at 39, and 36 for women,” Robert said. “These people are married, they have careers, they have families. Swinging is a couples activity. They have their act together and know what’s what.”
But what if you’re attracted to one particular couple who aren’t swingers? Should you get them drunk–a move I recommend frequently–and make a pass? “Oh, boy, that is a no-no from the word go,” said Robert. “Even if it works, there can be a lot of repercussions once everyone sobers up. And why would you want to be drunk when you have sex? Getting drunk greatly inhibits the ability to be sexual. Swinging should always be entered into by knowledgeable, sober, consenting adults.”
This is where Robert and I part company. Yeah, yeah, yeah; everything should be entered into by knowledgeable, sober, consenting adults–but that’s not the way the world works when the world wants to get off, is it? My advice: Get your friends blasted and work swinging into the conversation. There’s a new documentary film about swinging called The Lifestyle, and it’s making the rounds on the festival circuit. See it, or claim to have seen it, and tell your friends about it–when they’re blasted. Without saying anything pro-swing or con-swing, feel your friends out on the swap topic. If they’re pro-swing, pounce–make that pass. If they’re con-swing, get ’em a little drunker, and see if they don’t come around to a pro-swing position.
In addition to his many duties at NASCA, Robert also runs the Lifestyle Organization, whose 26th annual convention will be held in Reno, Nevada this weekend–where everyone will be stone-cold sober, no doubt. “There’ll be four dances,” Robert told me, “and seminars on sexuality, relationships, growth, and medical issues–and a lot of socializing.” But no drinking, of course. You can get more info about the convention by visiting–you guessed it–Lifestyle Organization’s inevitable website, www.lifestyles.org.
Before I let Robert off the phone, I had one more question: Has the late ’90s resurgence of swing dancing resulted in the North American Swing Club Association getting calls from people looking for dance lessons and not pervy, middle-aged married couples? “Yeah,” Robert said, laughing. “Not very many, but some. We tell them we’re not swing dancers. They laugh, say they’re sorry, and go away.”
My fiancé and I were frequently intimate when we were boyfriend and girlfriend. But since we got engaged, we haven’t done much. Any advice?
Don’t get married.
Have you heard of a gay sex practice called “decanting”? As it was told to me, one man catheterizes himself to empty his bladder, and then refills his bladder with wine to serve to guests at a very posh gay club. Is this real? While not universally appealing, urine is sterile and the bladder is a very clean place. Is a glass filled from the penis, or does it go directly into the mouth? Any light you could shed on this would be great.
No, I haven’t heard of “decanting,” nor have I heard of “mudslides” (gay men crapping and pissing in a room filled with dirt), nor “donkey punching” (gay men knocking their sex partners out with a blow to the back of the head as they fuck), nor “booger planting” (gay men with small penises fucking gay men with large noses in the nostrils), nor “pigs in a blanket” (gay men wrapping sausages in pancakes and serving them to friends with butter and syrup), nor any of the other bizarre and implausible “gay” sex practices straight people are absolutely obsessed with. Are any of these things “real?” Only in the imaginations of some straight people whose sex lives are so dull, they have to make up bullshit about mine.
Speaking of bullshit: Just Shoot Me star David Spade used the word “fag” in an interview with Playboy magazine, sending the fags over at the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation into a press-release writing frenzy. Spade joked that Just Shoot Me producers were constantly trying “to fag me up… [but] when I get too faggy, they have me make out with a chick.” GLAAD spokesfag Scott Seomin slammed Spade for using “derogatory” and “hurtful” terms, claiming “fag” and “faggy” are comparable to “racial or ethnic slurs,” and demanded that Spade apologize.
David, don’t worry about anything GLAAD says–most gays and lesbians don’t–and don’t apologize. If Scott Seomin didn’t find things to get upset about, he’d be out of a job. The vast majority of gays and lesbians use the word “fag” as a noun, a verb, and an adjective, and “fag” really isn’t comparable to racial or ethnic slurs like, oh, say, nigger or kike. Gays and lesbians have “Dyke Marches,” wear T-shirts with fruit jokes on them, and chant “fags and dykes and queers, oh my!” at demonstrations. The word is so commonly used by gay men that we can’t object when straight comedians use it too, and in the exact same way we do: not as a slur, but as a joke. Get over it, GLAAD. !-- Dingbat --
Write to Dan!
Got a relationship problem? A burning sex question? A burning… sensation?
Dan’s been giving advice and been tapping the best sex researchers, educators, and scientists for more than three decades!