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Urine Love

Joe Newton

by Dan Savage

I have been an avid reader of your column for about three years and I need you to answer a question. I don’t feel this is a question I can ask my doctor or anyone at work. I am a black man who enjoys drinking the piss of other black males. I haven’t found many like-minded individuals to discuss the subject with, let alone indulge me, so my experience with this activity is pretty rare. Here’s the issue: At my job I am subject to random drug tests. Skipping drug tests is not an option conducive to future employment. If I were to imbibe from someone who had, say, used marijuana recently, would drugs show up in my urine? How do I enjoy myself without having to explain to my employers how drugs ended up in my urine? I don’t know if my employers would...

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...I don’t know if my employers would believe me even if I were to tell them the truth. Piss Drinker “As drug tests become more sensitive,” Flash Gordon, M.D. told me, “THC ingested second hand is showing up on drug tests.” Gordon is the former medical director of the Haight Ashbury Free Medical Clinic in San Francisco and currently practices at First Med Marin in San Rafael, California. In Doc Flash’s opinion, THC may show up in your urine after you drink the piss of a dope smoker, provided the drug test you’re subjected to is sensitive enough. “If THC-positive urine was ingested by some-one, that wouldn’t be much different than breathing second hand smoke,” said the doc, “and [second hand smoke] is showing up on tests these days. You might get a positive test result, although ingesting THC this way wouldn’t get you off.” What the doc means, of course, is that drinking THC positive urine won’t get PD high, even if it does get PD off. Feeling uncharacteristically responsible — PD’s job and sex life both hang in the balance — I sought a second opinion. Emily Davis, a lab technician at Northwestern University in Chicago, assured me that most job-related drug tests are pretty generic, and few would be sensitive enough to pick up small amounts of THC or traces of other drugs that had been filtered through two people’s kidneys. “The only chance is if the person was an extremely hardcore user who would have higher traces in their urine,” said Davis, who feels you are at greater risk of picking up a sexually transmitted disease than you are of a positive drug test. “Although urine has the smallest trace amounts of HIV of all the body fluids and no cases of infection through urine have ever been documented, mucus membranes in the mouth could conceivably absorb the virus into the body.” AIDS is the most glamorous STD, of course, so it’s the one most people fantasize about contracting. You should probably worry more about syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes, and other STDs, PD, than you should about AIDS. Speaking of piss drinkers, Attitude, a glossy U.K. monthly, recently ran a story you might want to look up, PD. It was about folks who drink their own piss, and I think you’ll find the piece both informative and reassuring. Apparently, piss drinking for health purposes has a long, proud history, with such notables as Ghandi being a confirmed piss drinker, as well as the brother of someone I work with, and millions of other men and women all over the world. If anyone out there wants to learn more about the wonderful things drinking piss can do for you, Golden Fountain: The Complete Guide To Urine Therapy, by Coen Van Der Kroon, Volker Moritz, and Merilee Dranow (Wishland) is the bible of piss drinkers. Anyway, PD, my advice for you would be go for it. The odds of a positive drug test are low, and the odds of contracting an STD are probably worth the risk — that is, if piss drinking is what floats your boat. Enjoy the piss of other black males, PD. My girlfriend keeps on telling me she wants to give me a snowball. I’m totally fucking weirded out by that. I don’t wanna eat my own pud! That would be sick. What’s your take on snowballing? Don’t Let It Snowball Snowballing goes like this: A man ejaculates in another person’s mouth, the person whose mouth was ejaculated into kisses the person who ejaculated, passing the ejaculator’s ejaculate, or “pud,” back into his own mouth. At this point, the ejaculator has a choice to make: He can swallow his own pud; he can pass his pud back into the mouth of the person who passed it into his mouth; or he can beat the “snowballer” to death with a chair leg. While I don’t disapprove of snowballing, it’s one of those sex acts that I don’t wanna hear much about, pro or con. I will say that among straights there seems to be a double standard around men and women’s sexual juices. Not only do men enjoy ingesting women’s juices — men of good character, I should say — they also enjoy watching women ingest their own feminine juices (hence the popularity of women licking their own sticky fingers in porn videos). In my view, not only shouldn’t straight men ask women to swallow anything straight men themselves aren’t willing to swallow, but if women are expected to taste themselves, then straight men should expect to taste themselves, too. Enjoy your snowball, DLIS. If “Insane Virgin” wants to lose her virginity, I would be more than happy to oblige. I will be gentle, respect her in the morning, and I will even cook HER breakfast. Give her my e-mail address so that she can contact me. Ralph bi902@scn.org. I read the piece about the female eager to lose her virginity. I’m interested in meeting her, if you can hook us up. I’m a 28-year-old black male, living in Toronto. We could meet, and if the vibes are right, we could work from there. Robert STUDIO8942@aol.com It never ceases to amaze me just how many straight men are apparently willing — anxious! — to have sex with women they’ve never met. Of course, the numbers of gay men out there willing to have sex with strange men also staggers me. But you know what? I don’t get stacks of mail from gay men wanting to fuck other gay men whose letters have run in my column, only mail from straight men wanting to fuck women whose letters they’ve read. Weird. When I’m on talk radio and straight callers go on and on about what sluts gay men are — and we are, but we’re not the only ones! — I mention letters like Ralph’s and Robert’s. Anyway, Insane Virgin, if you wanna offer your virginity up to a man you’ve never met, I’d like to introduce you to Ralph and Robert. Judging from their extremely sensitive letters (Ralph will EVEN make you breakfast! Robert will do you if the “vibes” are right!), they both seem to be nice guys. Enjoy your deflowering, IV. * * * Dan Savage’s new book, The Kid… An Adoption Story, is in bookstores now. * * * Hey, Everybody: Go play games at Gameworks! Last year’s fundraiser for the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force Policy Institute was a smash, so they’re doing it again this Tuesday October 12th, from 6-9 PM (Gameworks is at 7th & Pike). The event costs $25 at the door ($15 if you’re under 16), and your money buys you snacks, pop, schmooze, and three hours worth of unlimited game playing–a steal, considering you can spend that much playing at Gameworks in under half an hour! Tickets can be purchased at the door or by calling 1-888-655-6529. See you there! letters@savagelove.net