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Lesbian Lobsters

Joe Newton

I recently got a really sick e-mail, and I was wondering if you could tell me if it was for real. Some chick woke up with cramps, goes to the bathroom, and… well, why don’t you read the e-mail? Here it is. Be warned, though, it’s pretty disgusting.

“One morning around 5:00 a.m., 22-year-old Susan DeLucci of Kittery, Maine, woke up with painful cramps. At first she thought she had diarrhea, but when she stood up, she realized that it was urinary pain. It was similar to the feeling of having diarrhea, just the wrong hole. She wobbled to the toilet, and upon sitting on it, her vagina erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard. In paralyzing pain, Ms. DeLucci continued to push out of her vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth while she gripped the sides of the toilet, white-knuckled....

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...sides of the toilet, white-knuckled. She was screaming wildly, and the neighbors called the police. “When medics arrived, they found Ms. DeLucci unconscious on the floor of her bathroom wearing nothing but her robe. A stream of brown and green syrup was running down her leg. The medic grabbed her left leg to straighten her out. When the medic lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, he exposed her vagina, at which point a creature no larger than the tip of a finger wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the floor with a wet plop. It was a tiny mud shrimp and it sat there on the floor, flipping back and forth. The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt the nausea setting in. When he put his face down into the toilet to puke, what he saw was so horrific that to this day he cannot look into a toilet without convulsing: The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp, flipping and splashing.” If you think that is bad — wait until you hear how it happened. “Ms. DeLucci’s official cause of death was head trauma. When she stood up over the toilet and saw what she had done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the toilet and then on the floor. It is believed by the medical police that two nights before the accident she had purchased a live lobster. While lying in a tub, she inserted the creature’s tail into her vagina. At that point, she held a lighter under the creature’s face, causing it to flip its tail in a violent snapping motion. The medical police also found a lesbian XXX video in the VCR, and the TV was positioned on a table in front of the tub. The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper bag. Traces of Ms. DeLucci’s DNA were found on the lobster, along with pubic hairs that had wedged themselves between the lobster tail joints. The lobster’s face had been burned. The lobster’s digestive track and colon were full of mud shrimp egg casings. Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them and crapped them into Ms. DeLucci’s vagina while she was torturing it. “Doctors believe that Ms. DeLucci’s womb [provided] the perfect pH balance to grow mud shrimp. Overnight the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began doubling in size every 10 minutes. You can imagine the pain she was in when she woke up that morning and gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp.” My God, Dan, IS THIS FOR REAL???!!! IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE???!!! This e-mail even includes the names of people involved — no “to protect the innocent” crap. So if it’s true, what’s the XXX video the story references? Why haven’t the PETA come out in protest? This is by far the sickest thing I’ve ever read. I’ll never eat lobster again! Jolie Kittery is a small town in Maine’s picturesque York county. Home to 9,000 hardy New Englanders, Kittery also boasts 120 designer outlet stores. Tourist info I found about Kittery encourages visitors to “experience the fun of shopping with everyday savings of 20 to 70 percent off retail prices on first-quality merchandise!” There was nothing in Kittery’s tourist information about mud shrimp, XXX lesbian porn outlets, sexually mutilated lobsters, or a recently deceased Ms. DeLucci. So I called the police. According to the no-nonsense New Englander who answered the phone at the Kittery Police Department HQ, the lobster-in-the-cooter story is a hoax — and it’s a hoax that’s getting on her nerves. “We don’t know where that story came from,” she said. “We’ve been getting calls for about three or four weeks now. It’s amazing what people will believe.” The KPD has only one phone line, so Kittery’s sole emergency police dispatcher told me she had to get off the line. When I tried to ask a couple of quick follow-up questions — Is there a large lesbian community in Kittery? Where does Kittery’s lesbian community shop for XXX porn? — KPD’s dispatcher lost her hardy New England patience with me. “I’m not going to tie up this line over a fictitious story,” she snapped. “Your questioning is totally out of line. Goodbye.” At The York County Coast Star, receptionist Charlotte Simpson hadn’t heard anything about a DeLucci being found dead with mud shrimp crawling out of her cooter. “But that story is hysterical!” Simpson said, before passing me to The York County Coast Star‘s news editor, Jeff Libby. He hadn’t heard anything about a local woman being found dead on her bathroom floor, XXX lesbian porn videos, or sexually mutilated lobsters. If such an event had taken place, Mr. Libby assured me he would know about it. News that a local woman had been killed by a lobster might harm Kittery’s tourist-and-outlet-shopper-dependent economy, so it’s conceivable that the police and media would conspire to hush the crime up. But locals would doubtless find out, and just as Ms. DeLucci’s tale put you off lobster, Jolie, it would likewise put the locals off lobster. But according to Dave Mickee, proprietor of Warren’s Lobster House in Kittery, business is booming. “Not much really affects sales,” said Dave. Apparently not even dead lesbians. Having exhausted my leads in Kittery, I logged on to a website that investigates urban myths, www.snopes.com, where I found a point-by-point debunking of the tortured lobster/killer mud shrimp story. First, snopes.com points out that whoever made the story up claims knowledge of details only Ms. DeLucci would have had — knowledge that would have died with Ms. DeLucci. For instance, the author states Ms. DeLucci made the “most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard,” and, “at first she thought she had diarrhea.” Ms. DeLucci was alone in the house when she farted, unconscious when paramedics arrived, and dead before the “medical police” could question her. How does the author know how loudly she farted? Or what Ms. DeLucci thought? Then www.snopes.com zeroes in on the mud shrimp: According to snopes.com’s researchers, mud shrimp live only in Canada’s Bay of Fundy, and are primarily food for sandpipers; lobsters don’t eat mud shrimp. And mud shrimp won’t hatch in anything but extremely salty water, need to be exposed to light throughout incubation, and need constant aeration — a 10-dollar word for bubbles — to provide sufficient oxygen for their eggs to hatch. Salt water, light, bubbles — does that sound like any vaginas you know? letters@savagelove.net