I read your recent column about a man having trouble incorporating BDSM
into his marriage. I’m in a similar situation. In it, you wrote that men are more
likely to be kinky than women. But I’m a woman, and I’m kinkier than my husband.
I was a virgin until I was 22, never had any erotic dreams or fantasies
that I was aware of, and I never masturbated. I was sexually repressed, I guess.
My first partner was wonderfully patient, and very understanding. The first
four years of this relationship was spent in the delightful pursuit of my sexual
identity. My boyfriend was always wonderful about encouraging me to explore
his fantasies, and since I wasn’t aware of any of my own, this was fine with
me. We married three years ago.
Now, we have a problem. In the last year, I “woke up” to a huge list of
my own...
...ago.
Now, we have a problem. In the last year, I “woke up” to a huge list of
my own fantasies, including a strong submissive tendency. The reason I never
noticed my submissive fantasies before was that for as long as I’ve been sexually
active, my husband was in a somewhat dominant position; he was always teaching,
leading, and introducing me to new things. But now I want to explore full-on
submissive fantasies, and he’s not into it. My husband has experimented a bit,
to make me happy, but the whole idea of him being in control is somewhat lost
when the point of it all has to be explained to him. If I had to make a choice
between my marriage or my fantasies, there’s no question that my marriage would
win. My husband makes me far too happy to sacrifice our relationship for something
I only crave about once a month. He says I should give him more time to get
comfortable with my new desires, but it’s already been six months. At what point
do I give up? How do you train someone to be a dom?
Hubby Won’t Play
A good friend was once in a situation identical to your own, HWP. Let’s call
her Melinda. Like you, Melinda was burdened with some run-of-the-mill “outrageous”
submissive fantasies, and, like you, Melinda had the misfortune of falling in
love with a guy who wasn’t into it. But he was perfect for her in every other
way, and so, like you, Melinda was reluctant to dump this guy over something
she craved about once a month.
But when Melinda craved it, man, she really craved it.
Melinda hung in there, though, and step-by-baby-step she somehow managed to
make a dom out of her boyfriend. Now he does all sorts of things he swore he
couldn’t do, from wearing leather pants to keeping her tied up for hours on
end. I’d heard all about this transformation from Melinda, but I’d never discussed
it with her boyfriend–let’s call him Bill. With Melinda’s permission, I gave
Bill a call at work and asked him how he went from sexy wimp in Docker’s to
pushy dom in leather pants.
“It would come up, her need for that kind of stuff, and we would talk about
it,” said Bill. “It would sit there, like this big, unresolved issue. We fought
about it.” How long did the sitting and fighting go on? “Years. But she was
always willing to try anything I wanted, so I felt guilty about not being able
to do this thing she wanted to do.” But whenever Bill did “anything slightly
bossy in that arena,” Melinda would react to it in a big way. “If I held her
hands over her head when we were making out,” Bill said, lowering his voice,
“she’d make it clear that she was turned on, so I’d keep doing it, since it
was having this effect.” But Bill couldn’t seem to make the leap from “just
rolling around,” as called it, “to being a big, scary, mean selfish asshole
in bed.”
So what finally turned him into the big, scary, mean, selfish asshole? “[Melinda]
put her foot down,” said Bill. “She told me we had to do this, or she was going
to lose her mind or leave me. We compromised. We did bondage without attitude.”
Bondage without attitude? “I would tie her up, and then we’d have normal sex,
only she was tied up and I didn’t have to act like a monster.” What made all
the difference for Bill, monster-wise, was when Melinda topped him a few times.
“I asked her to do to me the stuff she wanted me to do to her. Then I didn’t
have to guess what she was fantasizing about, I just did the things she did.”
But the most important thing Melinda did, Bill emphasized, was to keep the
pressure on him. “If she didn’t let me know over and over that she still wanted
this, then I wouldn’t own a pair of leather pants today,” laughed Bill. “And
guilt was important, too. She would do whatever I wanted and I wasn’t doing
the same for her. My advice to this woman would be to do whatever her husband
wants, whenever and wherever, and then remind him how unfair that is. If he’s
a gentleman, he’ll come around.” It will take some time, though. “It took me
three years before I could do SM at all, and two years after that before I got
any good at it,” said Bill, which I already knew (Melinda having kept me informed
every step of the way). “But if she can keep up the pressure, pour on the guilt,
and be patient, he’ll come around.”
I’m a straight black guy in love with Asian women. Some people confuse
a love for another race as a fetish for some reason, but this is not a fetish.
Where can I meet Asian women? Trying to meet them on the street is not the way.
They look at me like I’m going to rob them. I think I’m a fairly handsome guy.
I’m a well-built body builder/actor. Do you know where I can meet any Asian
women who love black men?
Desperately Seeking Asian Women
“Claiming that you’re ‘in love’ with an entire race of women sounds an awful
lot like a fetish to me,” said Min, a delicate lotus blossom who works in my
office. Min spoke with me on behalf of all Asian women everywhere. “Tell this
guy he can meet Asian American women the EXACT SAME WAY he would meet non-Asian
women: at bars, clubs, through friends, or at work.”
And Min thought you might have better luck with Asian women if you took a
deep breath and calmed the fuck down. “Asian women he meets on the street are
not running because he’s black,” Min said, “they’re bolting because they can
smell a ‘thing for Asian girls’ a block away. If he makes a big deal out of
seeking out Asian women, he’ll scare off women who think he’s some creepy perv
who fetishizes Asian women.”
On the upside, Min wanted you to know that not all Asian women mind being
fetishized. “Not the dumb ones, at least,” said Min, “and some Asian women fetishize
big, black men.” On the downside, Min wanted you to know that Asian women don’t
have any inherent powers of erotic massage. “Nor do we know the first thing
about bathing grown men; most of us are too heavy to step on your back; and
our eyes are the only part of our anatomies that are slanted.”
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