My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. He has been
a programmer for as long as I have known him, which has meant dealing with him
occasionally not sleeping for four days straight, him being on call for work
24 hours a day, and programming breakthroughs coming to him during intimate
moments. All of which I never minded. Programming is what he loves to do. But
recently he took a new job as a systems developer, and things have changed drastically.
It has gotten to the point where I am literally competing with computers for
his time and affection. He works all night, plays (PlayStation, computer games,
or programming just for the heck of it) all morning, and sleeps the rest of
the time. Over the past three months I have gradually been squeezed out. We
don’t live together, and he makes no real effort to talk...
don’t live together, and he makes no real effort to talk to me. I always have
to call him. I have asked him about it–he says nothing is wrong, and he isn’t
mad at me and he is sorry. But things remain the same.
This may sound silly, but I feel like I am being cheated on [by] a computer.
I also feel like I can’t compete with technology. I am so hurt and broken-hearted
that I can’t sleep. I’m writing because I am at a loss for what to do. I have
tried everything from aggressive sexual advances to learning code, just to be
part of what he is doing. Nothing works. I am desperate for ideas on how to make
Helpless Lacerated Heart
You sound pretty attached to your boyfriend, so you’re probably not gonna
like the sound of my advice, but… you have to dump this guy. You have no choice:
He’s satisfied with the state of this relationship, you’re not; he’s in love
with his work, not with you. So dump him. You’ve tried long talks, aggressive
sexual advances, and even learning code–what else is there to try? I suppose
you could put a gun to his head and force him to focus on you, but eventually
you would nod off and he’d get rid of the gun and be back at the computer before
you wake up.
There’s a good reason you don’t feel like you can compete with computers:
You can’t compete with them–at least as far as this guy’s concerned. The longer
you hang in there trying to make it work, the more devastated you’re going to
be when it finally ends. Today he isn’t calling you, tomorrow he won’t be bathing.
Pretty soon he won’t be trimming his toenails anymore or getting up from his
desk to use the toilet. Do yourself a favor and dump the geek.
I am a 24-year-old lesbian, and I am super-in-love with a wonderful
woman who I hope to spend the rest of my life with. We’ve been together about
a year. The thing is… I’ve never had sex with a man. She has. I want to have
sex with a man some time before I die, because I do find men attractive, but
I don’t want a relationship with one. Also, why not have sex with a man? Men
have fascinatingly different genitalia and body shapes than women do, and I
want to check it out!
But here I am with this lady I love. I’ve had a couple of relationships with
women, but I knew I would eventually break up with those not-right-for-me women
and have the opportunity to fuck a man. I should have done it before I met my
current girlfriend, because this lady is IT for me. How can I have this experience
without screwing up our relationship? Should I get this out of the way now? Or
wait? Or should I forget about it? Is this selfish of me? Do you think it would
kill my relationship? My girlfriend suggests we call one of those escort services
and get it over with.
So I’m reading your letter, and I’m like, “Wow, she should tell her girlfriend
about this.” And I keep reading your letter, and I’m like, “Golly, she should
ask her girlfriend about having a three-way.” And I keep reading your letter,
and I’m like, “Sure, she can have this experience without screwing up her relationship–provided,
of course, that she gets her girlfriend’s blessing.” And I’m almost done reading,
and I’m like, “Gosh, I guess I’ll advise her to get her girlfriend’s permission
to fuck a guy.”
And I then I get to the last line–“My girlfriend suggests we call one of
those escorts services and get it over with”–and I’m like, “She already has
her girlfriend’s blessing?! Jesus Christ, what a fucking chickenshit!” If your
goddam girlfriend already knows about your desire to check out some fascinating
male genitalia and she’s given you her blessing, well, what’s the fucking problem?
Do you know how many straight guys would give their left nuts to be wedged between
two honest-to-Ellen lesbians? Call a goddam escort already–he’ll probably offer
to pay you. Or, better yet, take out a personals ad in this goddam paper
and you two will be up to your tits in boys begging to fuck you. Christ!
So I read in your column last week that “everyone wants to know
if Giddy Schoolgirl slept with her TA.” Weird. Total strangers are interested
in my sex life…. I’m not sure whether to be scared or amused. I guess it’s
my fault for writing to a sex advice columnist in the first place. Well, the
answer is yes, I’m sleeping with my TA, and he’s amazing. Sorry to all the people
this seems to offend. Why are they reading your column anyway?
People who don’t think TAs should fuck their students read my column for the
same reason so many other easily offended people read my column: People enjoy
Speaking of TAs fucking their students, has everyone seen the new Tom Green
flick Road Trip? By way of an awkward segue, one of the characters in
Road Trip is a TA who wants to fuck a student. (He comes to a bad end,
which should please those who disapprove.) For a gross-out teen sex comedy,
this movie is remarkably sex-positive. Unattractive people are shown having
sex–fat black girl on top of skinny white guy–and while the shock of seeing
the two of them rolling around plays as something of a sight gag, they’re not
held up to ridicule by other characters in the film. Indeed, no one questions
their right to be sexual, or their attraction to each other. It’s really…
As if that weren’t revolutionary enough, Road Trip also features a
girl who initiates kinky sex (videotaping what could be a one-night stand),
and not only is she not punished or humiliated or dead (or all three) as is
customary in teen sex comedies, but she winds up getting the guy in the end.
And to top it all off, a studly straight boy gets finger-fucked and no fag jokes
are cracked, and he’s not made out to be any less studly or straight for enjoying
it. In Road Trip, people aren’t worried about what normal, good girls
do, and ugly people get laid–it’s like sex in real life. It’s mind-blowing.