Funky Undies

...they are made of? I’m thinking silk. (3) It costs more than twice as much to send them overnight. Is it worth it? Will the “window of freshness” have been exceeded if it takes two days for my underwear to get there? Mail Order Slut Van is a male porn star who has been selling his dirty socks, jocks, T-shirts, and singlets via his website, www.vanhotman.com, for three years. He recommends that you use 100% cotton undies, plastic bags, and U.S. mail. Depending on what the customer wants, Van sells his undies either laundered or funky. Not all customers want his funky undies, Van explained to me–some just want his old, worn undies. Since your e-lover does want your undies funky, I asked Van to walk us through his undie-funkifying routine. “To fill underwear with your scent,” said Van, “rinse out 100% cotton undies really well in hot water to get rid of the soapy smell. Always use 100% cotton, as cotton absorbs lots of odor. Wear your underwear for a day. Working out in them is best, and when you’re done, wipe down your entire body with your underwear.” If you really want to skank up those undies, Van recommends–well, I don’t want to accidentally misquote Van by paraphrasing him, so…. “After taking a dump and wiping your ass real good, run your undies up and down your crack a couple of times. You’ll get that pungent, musky smell, but no fudge marks. You don’t want to make fudge marks unless they’ve been asked for.” How true. Anyway, when your undies are funked up–fudged or unfudged–toss them into a Ziploc bag. Your undies will not ferment in a plastic bag, Van assured me, provided you get them in the mail right away. “There’s no need to send them overnight,” said Van. “Priority Mail costs just $3.20, and your underwear will stay fresh in a Ziploc for three or four days.” Finally, I want to urge gay men and straight women all over North America to visit Van’s website (www.vanhotman.com) and purchase his dirty undies and videos. Van assures me that if you order now, he can ship you his dirty undies–fudged or unfudged–in plenty of time for Christmas giving. Recently I was in a crossdressing chat room discussing ways to conceal the male package. Someone came on and claimed that he could push his penis and testicles into his abdomen, totally concealing them. Knowing how much B.S. is slung around chat rooms, I doubted this was possible. Is it possible to insert the male genitalia into the body? If so, how is it done? Battling the Bulge “Only once have I seen a gentleman tuck his penis back and down into his scrotal sac and then tuck his scrotum away,” said Veronica Vera, founder of Miss Vera’s Finishing School for Boys Who Want to Be Girls (www.missvera.com). “Away to where, I really do not remember. It wasn’t tucked into his rectum, as I think I might remember that, so it may have been tucked into his abdomen.” So, yes, a man can tuck his balls into his abdomen. Men’s balls develop inside their abdomens before birth, and drop into their nutsacks during infancy. After the balls drop, however, the little cavities in which they developed remain, and most grown men can pop their nuts back in. But popping your nuts back into your abdomen won’t rid you of your scrotum, nor does it hide your cock. Unless that guy in the chat room was some sort of freak, I doubt very much that he could get everything–nuts, nutsack, cock–into his abdomen. So what does the conscientious crossdresser do with his genitals? “Most of the ladies-in-waiting who visit us at our Manhattan campus are content to tuck their penises into the various gaffs we have available here at Miss Vera’s Finishing School,” said Vera. Gaffs are tight undies that smush and conceal men’s private parts. “The most popular models are tight, satiny panties that resemble slingshots,” said Vera. “With these slingshots we bring down many a Goliath.” I am a decent-looking, educated, and almost young gay man; I am also a Republican. In general, I think sex in parks and pig rooms, drugs, and open relationships are unhealthy, and, unfortunately, the norm among most gay men. What I want is a relationship, or even… love. Even Republicans need the mushy stuff! So, tell me, how is a gay man who dresses more like a bull dyke than a gay boy, likes rock more than disco, and prefers the dark clubs to dance palaces supposed to get a friggin’ date? Freakishly Uncool Gay Guy P.S. I’m not a right-wing dick. I’m all for gay marriage and adoption and all that stuff. I just want someone who is virtually normal. Seeing as 25% of the gay men who voted this year voted for George W. Bush, gay Republicans shouldn’t be so hard to come by (or come in). Gay Republicans may be rarer than gay Dems, but not so rare that a conservative gay man shouldn’t be able to find a date. That said, FUGG, don’t assume that a conservative gay man is going to be any better behaved, monogamous, or drug-free than some pinko commie fag. “I may be a Bush supporter,” said Andrew Sullivan, noted gay conservative and author of Virtually Normal, the gay Republican bible, “but that doesn’t mean I’m against anything consenting adults want to do in private.” On park sex, pig rooms, drugs, and open relationships, Sullivan is a confirmed libertarian. “In my experience,” Sullivan added, “Republicans are far kinkier than Democrats. It’s all that repression. If your reader wants a dull, asexual, unkinky, flabby, domestic partner, he should hang out among professional Democrats.” I suffer from the same condition as Bed Farter, the man unsure of what to do when he gets gas in a new lover’s apartment. But I discovered a solution that works: Go to the bathroom. Grab a big terry cloth towel from off your lover’s shelf. Wrap it up in a ball. Press it tightly against the crack of your ass and blow away. This resolves the two main issues involved with farting: The sound is muffled into inaudibility and the rancid stink gets trapped in the cloth of the towel. Carefully put the towel away, and the smell will disperse so slowly as to be unnoticeable. Farting Resolved Thanks for sharing, FR. letters@savagelove.net