Virgin Territory

...think it’s responsible for you to call those who practice the only truly safe sex sociopaths! Disappointed in Dan Not Telling Susceptible Column Readers Everything [about] Waiting Do you know how many letters I get from men and women who were virgins on their wedding nights and are now, five or 10 or 20 years later, just dying to fuck someone–anyone–other than their spouses? Most of these I-wanna-cheat letters are from married women; almost all of them tell me they want to fuck some other guy so they’ll have something to compare to the sex they’ve been getting at home. So if I were you, DIDNTSCREW, I wouldn’t run around being smug about my “incredible sex life.” For all we know there’s a letter from your wife in my mailbox. As for truly safe sex, DIDNTSCREW, do you realize just how many married men and women are infected with STDs every year by their supposedly monogamous spouses? The only way to truly avoid STDs and unplanned pregnancies and heartaches and breakups and divorce is never to have sex at all–casual or marital. If eliminating any risk of contracting an STDs is your objective, DIDNTSCREW, I’d advise you to divorce the wife and have yourself castrated. How dare you call people who wait to have sex until after they’re married “sociopaths.” What proof do you have that people who are virgins on their wedding nights are sociopaths? You Are Dangerous and Dumb You’re right, YADAD–I have no proof that people who save themselves for marriage are sociopaths. I do, however, have proof that the vast majority of people are NOT virgins on their wedding nights (please see every single study of human sexuality). What this means, of course, is that it isn’t normal for someone to be a virgin on his or her wedding night; people who are virgins on their wedding nights deviate from said norm. Therefore, people who save themselves for marriage are, if not sociopaths, definitely abnormal deviants. Don’t take this the wrong way, YADAD. I’m not trying to insult people who save themselves for marriage. Heaven forbid! But like Dr. Laura says, facts are facts. When people jumped down Dr. Laura’s throat for calling gay people deviants, she pointed out that it’s normal to be straight and that means gays deviate from the norm. Dr. Laura wasn’t trying to be nasty, she said–just, you know, scientific. So I’m not being nasty when I call virgins “celibates” and people saving themselves for marriage “abnormal deviants.” I’m just being, you know, scientific and everything. Recently, my boyfriend of two years proposed. I am extremely happy except for one thing: I am a virgin, and I plan on remaining one until the wedding night. My fiancé, however, has slept with other women. I am really scared that he will find that I am inept at sex. I really love this man, but I cannot sleep with him until the big day. Do you have any tips on how to wow him? Wedding-Night Willies Your fears are well founded, WNW: On your wedding night, your new husband will most likely find you to be inept–because you will be inept. Sex is a complicated business, WNW, and getting good at it takes time, practice, and experience. People don’t expect to be good drivers the first time they get behind the wheel, or to bake a perfect cake the first time they walk into a kitchen, so why do they expect to be mind-blowing lovers the very first time they have sex? Anyway, kiddo, there are no sex tips that can make an inexperienced virgin fuck like a seasoned pro on her wedding night. If you can’t bring yourself to run out and sleep with, oh, 50 or so guys before your wedding night, you’re just going to have to embrace and celebrate your sexual ineptitude. Tell your fiancé as often as you can that while you’re looking forward to having sex with him, you’re also nervous about being a virgin. Tell him you’re relying on him to help you become–with time and through trial and error–a mind-blowing lover. If you can keep his expectations in check, he won’t be too crushed by your first inept, awkward, fumbling attempts at sexual intercourse. Good luck! I am 21 and a virgin. When I do go out on a date, I usually find some reason why the girl isn’t what I’m looking for. What’s worse is the girls I am attracted to are usually my friends, and they would never think of dating me. How do I fix this? Screw the Hand–I Want What’s in the Bush You’ve identified a self-defeating pattern in your love life: You date girls you’re not attracted to and befriend girls you find attractive. A self-defeating pattern, once identified, is easy to break–provided you have the balls. Here’s how you do it. One by one, ask the girls you’re friends with–all those girls you’re attracted to–out on dates. If they tell you they think of you as a friend and can’t date you, thank them for their time and tell them you can’t be friends anymore. “I’m sorry, but I like you in a romantic way,” you should say, “and being friends with someone I’m attracted to romantically is too stressful. Goodbye.” Keep it up until one of the girls you’re friends with says yes. If no one says yes, make a point of asking out the girls you’re attracted to before you become friends with them. Being a virgin, I find myself extremely curious about the male penis. 1. How long is the average well-erected penis? 2. How do men feel about going to bed with a virgin? 3. And last but not least, how often do men get erections? And is it really “painful” if men are not allowed to have sex after they get an erection? Virgin Territory 1. The average well-erected male penis is anywhere from 3.2 inches to 36.5 inches long. 2. Most men–even straight men–would rather sleep with other men than sleep with virgin girls. If you’re a virgin, it’s best not to say anything about it to the man you’re sleeping with. 3. Men get erections constantly. To become well erected, erectile tissue in a man’s penis fills with blood. If a man isn’t able to have sex, the blood can get trapped in his penis, making a man lightheaded, pale, and cold to the touch. In some cases, a man’s penis will continue to fill with blood until it explodes. letters@savagelove.net