With the assistance of a wickedly unsqueamish lover, I have managed to excrete
from my obliging body almost all of the fluids I can produce, i.e., bloodsweatspitcumpiss.
But, alas, we lack one precious secretion: breast milk. As I am unwilling to
undergo the nine-month infestation that traditionally prompts the production
of breast milk, I implore you to enlighten me: How does one induce lactation?
Milk Dud
“Frequent suckling is the most effective trick,” says Dr. Nassim Assefi, a women’s health specialist at the University of Washington School of Medicine. Dr. Assefi tells me that helping non-pregnant women lactate isn’t unheard of in ob-gyn circles. “This is an important issue for adoptive moms who wish to bond by breastfeeding their infants,” says the doc.
The most effective way to induce lactation in a woman who isn’t a mother is, again, to “mechanically stimulate the nipple and breast,...