With the assistance of a wickedly unsqueamish lover, I have managed to excrete
from my obliging body almost all of the fluids I can produce, i.e., bloodsweatspitcumpiss.
But, alas, we lack one precious secretion: breast milk. As I am unwilling to
undergo the nine-month infestation that traditionally prompts the production
of breast milk, I implore you to enlighten me: How does one induce lactation?
“Frequent suckling is the most effective trick,” says Dr. Nassim Assefi, a women’s health specialist at the University of Washington School of Medicine. Dr. Assefi tells me that helping non-pregnant women lactate isn’t unheard of in ob-gyn circles. “This is an important issue for adoptive moms who wish to bond by breastfeeding their infants,” says the doc.
The most effective way to induce lactation in a woman who isn’t a mother is, again, to “mechanically stimulate the nipple and breast,...
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...way to induce lactation in a woman who isn’t a mother is, again, to “mechanically stimulate the nipple and breast, or constant suckling.” This “constant suckling” method is more likely to be successful in a woman who’s already had at least one kid and has breastfed before, but it’s not impossible in a woman who has never been pregnant. I assume that you and unsqueamish lover have tried sucking, Milk Dud, so I asked the doc for some other suggestions–or as they say in the ob-gyn biz, a slightly more aggressive treatment regimen.
“There are [drugs] to induce breast milk in conjunction with mechanical stimulation: antidopaminergic medicines such as metoclopramide (Reglan) and phenothiazines (antipsychotic medicines); nasal oxytocin; and priming with hormones for a week before trying the above two methods.” All of these medicines have side effects, Milk Dud, but the doc says Reglan is probably the safest and most effective.
Sadly, none of these drugs can be obtained without a prescription, and it’s unlikely your primary care physician is willing to give you Reglan for what amounts to recreational use. (The goddamn paper pushers at your HMO might also have a problem with it.) You can, however, spend your next vacation in beautiful Mexico, where Reglan and many other delightful prescription drugs are available over the counter in charming little pharmacies. Buy some Reglan, pop some pills, and then head back to your hotel, where your unsqueamish lover can suckle your breasts until he drowns.
To save my sicko readers the trouble of asking the obvious and inevitable follow-up question, I asked Dr. Assefi if Reglan and “marathon suckling” could make a man lactate. “These lactation-inducing techniques are much less likely to be successful in men,” she said, “but if a guy began producing breast milk, it wouldn’t be so rare that it would make Ripley’s Believe It Or Not!”
Last week women weighed in on New York City Girl’s letter. Was NYGC violated by Ron, the man who came on her stomach after she said “no”? Or was she raped? Here are a few of letters from big, hairy men:
I am sick of hearing girls claim they were “violated,” and then hearing them
add, “Oh yeah, we were making out together naked on his bed when he ‘violated’
me.” That’s infuriating. To girls who don’t want to go all the way: Don’t take
your clothes off, you sluts. And telling her to kick the guy in the balls at
the end of her next tease session, Dan, made me wanna puke all over you.
Stan the Man
Sorry, Stan, but a make-out session, nude or fully clothed, in a bed or under a bridge, does not obligate anyone–male or female–to go all the way. A woman may go into a make-out session fully prepared to go all the way and then realize that the guy is a lousy kisser, or hasn’t bathed recently, or has running sores all over his body. Or he may give her the creeps for some vague, hard-to-define reason. And she has every right at that point–naked, in bed, making out–to call the whole thing off.
That said, there are women who enjoy teasing men, and it sucks to wind up in bed with one. But being teased does not give a guy the right to rape a woman–or come on her stomach. Confronted with a tease, a real man feigns indifference, hands over her clothes, and gets her out of his apartment as quickly as possible so he can beat off and go to bed.
Finally, most women who get naked and crawl into bed with a guy wanna do the deed. If every slut you bed, Stan, bails out at the last minute, well, then there’s something seriously wrong with your technique–or your hygiene or your politics or the condition of your sheets.
New York City Girl went out with Ron and his friends until 4:00 a.m. I’m
willing to bet that, as twentysomethings living in New York City, they engaged
in the consumption of alcohol and possibly other substances. Nobody should be
violated, yes, but women must always remember that the male libido is POTENTIALLY
DANGEROUS! Don’t stoke the fire unless you want to get hot. Sometime during
the sexual revolution women forgot this important fact. Men, all men, no matter
how sweet or sensitive, are driven by sexual desire. Once a man’s blood begins
to boil, it’s very hard to cool down, especially when drugs and alcohol are
Watch Out Girls
Telling women that men with erections can’t think rationally is awfully convenient for us guys, don’t you think? And I know for a fact that it’s not true: I’ve always been able to ponder the consequences of my actions during sex. Erection in hand, mouth, or tush, I still have the mental capacity to contemplate my partner’s pleasure, my own body issues–hell, I sometimes start thinking about the laundry or some idiot thing The Wall Street Journal‘s Paul Gigot said on MSNBC.
But, yeah, I agree women should be aware that some men are dangerous, but it’s not because men can’t think (or be held accountable) once they’re aroused. Some men are abusive assholes, boner or no boner, and for that reason alone women have to be careful. Arousal doesn’t make a guy an abusive asshole, WOG–although plenty of abusive assholes have tried to use arousal as an excuse.
This is one letter writer who will not take you to task for your response to
NYCG. She felt used, and because the guy didn’t make nice, express his undying
devotion, and send bushels of flowers, she’s hacked off. Instead of telling
Mr. Shot On Her Stomach that she’s mad at him, she says she’s “confused.” What
the hell is there to be confused about? She doesn’t like how he acted. Instead
of being so damned sensitive, she should tell him to shoot on his own stomach,
and delete him from her speed dial.
And for all of your readers who think the guy should be tossed in the slammer
for a thousand years, the criminal law is not a remedy for each and every one
of life’s slights. No prosecutor in his right mind would charge the guy with
rape. I have nearly 20 years experience as a prosecutor, and I sure as hell
Love the column, Dan, and sign me…
Thanks for sharing, GL.