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Dear Readers: I’m taking a couple of weeks off, enjoying some of America’s travel destinations. Please enjoy this thoroughly disgusting column from the archives…

If one were to make cheese from human breast milk, what commercially available
cheese would be its closest relation in taste and texture?


The overwhelming majority of commercially available cheeses are made from plain old cows’ milk, which means that cheese production–what you do with the milk–and not the origin of the milk should be largely responsible for taste and texture.

To test this hypothesis, I called a cheese shop in San Francisco with the cringe-inducing name Say Cheese. “Taste depends on the shape of the cheese,” said Joe, an employee at Say Cheese, “and the amount of time it’s aged, what the cows are fed, what kind of bacteria you introduce into the milk.” And texture? “The older a cheese is the harder it is,...

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...fed, what kind of bacteria you introduce into the milk.” And texture? “The older a cheese is the harder it is, the younger a cheese, the creamier.” When I asked Joe to recommend a cheese that would come close to one made from human breast milk, he balked: “I’ve never tasted breast milk.” Was he bottle-fed? “I don’t remember.” When pressed, Joe said he didn’t think cheese made from human breast milk would taste very good. “Sheep, goats, and cows don’t eat meat, they don’t eat onions or garlic, they don’t drink coffee. The flavor of human cheese would depend on what you were feeding your human. Considering our diets, human breast milk would probably taste pretty awful.” Does Say Cheese stock human breast milk cheese? “No, we don’t.” Why not? “It’s a disgusting idea, and no one makes it.” But if it were available, would you? “I don’t think so.” Looks like the way to find out what human breast milk cheese might taste like is to roll up our sleeves and make ourselves some. According to Dale Baumgartner, head cheese maker at the Tillamook Creamery in Oregon, “It takes 10 pounds of milk to make one pound of cheese.” A dairy cow makes more than that in one day, but the average lactating woman needs almost four days to produce 10 pounds of milk, and that would be a problem: “When you’re making cheese, it’s really important to use fresh milk,” especially if your milk is unpasteurized. So, you need to find four lactating women, or make just a little tiny bit of cheese. When I asked Dale about making cheese from human breast milk, he said, “The department of health might have something to say about that.” But is it possible? “You could probably do it, I don’t see why not–provided you could get your hands on the milk.” If you can get your hands on some fresh human breast milk, here’s a simple cheese recipe from the New England Cheesemaking Supply Company (www.cheesemaking.com): Take your milk, put it in a bowl, and add some rennet (an animal derivative that contains an enzyme called rennin), which will cause the solids in your milk to clump up into curds. Then drain off the liquid, and serve the solids. Voilà! You’re eating breast milk cheese! 1. If you are being fucked, then are forced to suck the dick that fucked you, can you get sick from your own ass? 2. Can you get AIDS from watersports orally and anally? TC 1. According to Barak Gaster, M.D., ingesting small amounts of your own feces probably won’t make you sick. “The usual diseases that are transmitted fecally could be transmitted in that way, the most common being hepatitis A and some strains of E. coli. But if you are already colonized, then it means that you’re probably immune to them. So, even though it’s a really yucky idea, it is unlikely that being re-inoculated with these same strains orally would make you ill.” 2. Dr. Barak: “Of all body fluids [in HIV-infected people], urine has among the lowest levels of HIV virus. So, the risk is much lower than it is for other body fluids, but a risk still exists.” I have never heard of ball or scrotal enlargement. I would love to have a large set to enhance my sexual pleasure and fill out a pair of Speedos. Is there an operation, implants, or injection to increase their size? JS Until a couple of years ago, you could’ve called the good folks at Dow Corning, ordered yourself a couple of silicone nuts, hopped a flight to Mexico, and paid a no-questions-asked doc a couple hundred bucks to implant them for you. But when Dow’s breast implants were yanked off the market because they seemed to be killing people, so were their little brothers, testicular implants. But even if they were still available, no one I spoke with had ever actually performed a cosmetic nut implant. When I asked the secretary at a cosmetic surgeon’s office if she’d ever heard of a cosmetic testicular implant, she said, “No. And I’ve worked with surgeons in California, too.” And if they’re not doing nut implants in California, they’re just not being done. So, what are your options? You could inject saline–sterile salt water–directly into your scrotum, a process known as “scrotal infusion.” The results are impressive (you can blow your scrotum up to the size of a basketball) but short-lived: Your balls will deflate in a few hours as the saline is absorbed into your body. Another option might be collagen injections. If they can fill Goldie Hawn’s lips with the stuff, why not your scrotum? “Collagen is the most common protein in the human body, or any mammal’s body,” said Dr. Gerald Bernstein, a dermatologist and dermatological cosmetic surgeon in Seattle. “It’s a very hard, fibrous material, used as a volume expander, to fill up spaces that are depressed or absent. We can fill in wrinkles with it, and make lips bigger.” What about having collagen injected into your scrotum? “I have never heard of anybody doing that. I would not do that, even if requested to. You’re running the risk of putting pressure on the testes [never a good plan], and the collagen is temporary–it only lasts three to six months. And collagen is expensive, about $200 a cc, and to fill an area that large, it would take 10 cc’s, at least. That’s an awful lot of money to spend for three months worth of discomfort.” Because I’m a soft-hearted old fool, here’s one new letter I couldn’t resist running this week… My boyfriend and I are loyal readers of your column and The Stranger. Last week we combed through the Valentine’s issue. I was overjoyed to find that my boyfriend took a few moments to submit a valentine for me. After experiencing a little sparkle inside, I was overcome by a sinking feeling. You see, I had not taken the time to send in a valentine for my boy. He didn’t say anything, but I know he was a little sad. If you could take the time to squeeze a valentine from me into your column I would be forever indebted to you. His name is Jeff, and he is a gorgeous, caring, and loyal lover. In response to his question, “What’s for dessert?” my response is, “You are, and I am going to eat you up like a bowl of Blue Boy ice cream.” Thanks, Dan. My Boyfriend Gives Me a Boner mail@savagelove.net