I have a problem that I have to deal with and I don’t know who else to
turn to. My girlfriend and I have been toying with the idea of marriage, but a
few weeks ago I left the country, and I got back yesterday. She told me that she
cheated on me twice with two different guys when I was away, and that she couldn’t
really help it because she has cheated on almost every one of her signiﬁcant others.
Now here comes my problem: I don’t want to break it off with her. She is
the most amazing woman in the world! But she doubts that she could ever stop cheating.
I don’t know what I should do. She says she only did it because I left and
she missed me and wanted to feel special even if only for a moment, and I believe
Want to read the rest? Subscribe now to get every question, every week, the complete Savage Love archives, access to comments, special events, and much more!
All Subscriber Benefits
...ecial even if only for a moment, and I believe
her. Sorry this letter is disorganized and rambling, it’s been a hard day.
Please help me, Dan.
First of all, that “I only did it because you left and I missed you and wanted
to feel special even if only for a moment” line is a CROCK OF SHIT. Christ,
I hope you didn’t fall for that.
As for the rest of your letter…
Here’s the problem: You love this woman, she cheated on you, and she is going
to cheat on you again. To her credit, your girlfriend put all her cards on the
table—she’s messed around on every guy she’s been with and, what’s
more, she “doubts” she’ll ever be able to stop. Let’s read
between the lines, shall we? When she says she “doubts she could ever stop
cheating,” what she means is, “I like cheating, it turns me on, and
I have no intention of ever being faithful to you or any other man.” Is she
a terrible person? No. Should you dump her? Depends. She leveled with you—which
is more than most serial adulterers ever do—and now you get to make an informed
decision: Do you want to be with the most amazing woman in the world, COD, even
if this amazing woman cheats on you regularly? Or do you want to dump her and
go ﬁnd someone less amazing but more faithful?
Reading your letter reminded me of a desperately sexy guy I met last year when
I was doing some research for my next book. Zac—an amazingly good-looking
28-year-old guy—was going out with Megan, a 32-year-old lawyer. After they
had been dating for six months, Megan laid her cards on the table: As much as
she loved him, Megan could only be with Zac if she could have sex with other guys
once in a while. Not with tons of other guys (we’re not talking Catherine
M. numbers), but Megan would sleep with at least two or three guys every year.
But there was more: Despite the fact that she had no intention of being faithful
to Zac, she could only be with him if he promised to be faithful to her.
Was Megan being unfair? Yes. Did Megan have a double standard? You bet. Was she
doing the right thing by Zac? Absolutely. She was straightforward: He could be
with her and be cheated on, or ﬁnd someone else. Most men would’ve walked
out the door (“She can cheat on me but I can’t cheat on her? Fuck that!”),
and at ﬁrst Zac was pretty upset by Megan’s ultimatum.
“After the shock wore off,” Zac told me, “I admitted to myself
that I didn’t really want to sleep with other women, so I told her okay.”
He doesn’t get jealous? “I did at ﬁrst, but when she did sleep with
other guys, she would come home and tell me about it, and I would get so fucking
horny-slash-angry that we would have the most amazing sex. Pretty soon I wasn’t
angry when she fucked around, just horny.”
It was a good thing that Zac was just horny by the time he proposed to Megan,
a year after her ultimatum. She agreed on one condition: The mutual friend who
introduced them, a man with whom Megan regularly “cheated” on Zac, would
be Zac’s best man—and on their wedding night, Megan would fuck the best
man, not the groom. “That Zac agreed to it kind of sealed the deal for me,”
Megan told me. “I knew that he was the right guy for me.”
“Our deal is weird,” Zac told me when I called recently to ask how things
were going. “She has total sexual autonomy, but I don’t have any at
all. I guess I’m submissive to her, even if I don’t have to eat dinner
out of a dog dish or anything freaky. Guys who read this will think I’m a
freak, but it turns me on and it turns her on, so fuck what other people think.”
So what’s the lesson here for you? If ﬁdelity is important to you, break
up with this woman immediately. She may be amazing, but she’ll never, ever
be faithful. But if you’re crazy in love with her, and you can stand the
thought of sharing her, well, fuck what other people think. And maybe with time
and reasonable safeguards, you guys can turn this amazing woman’s need to
cheat on you into something that enhances your shared sex life, just as Zac and
Megan have. Unlike Megan, however, your girlfriend may agree to a co-equal, even-steven
open relationship; perhaps you could go to swingers’ parties together, and
she could screw around with other guys while you mess around with other women.
Or if swingers’ parties hold no appeal, you would be free to cheat on her
when you go out of town since you know for a fact she’ll be cheating on you.
Good luck, COD.
Dan! Whatever happened with the tighty-whities contest? Two weeks ago you
said you were having trouble contacting the winner, and there’s been no
update since. What gives?
Love ’Em Tight and White
And the winner is… BRENT, of Miami, Florida.
For those of you who visited the tightywhitiesarehot.com
and voted, Brent was the guy in the white tank with the goofy smile. His winning
picture is now online at www.tightywhitiesarehot.com.
Brent’s picture was entered in the contest by his boyfriend, without Brent’s
consent. Brent and his boyfriend broke up during the contest, which is too bad
for Brent’s ex-boyfriend—ﬁrst, because Brent’s fucking hot, and
second, because Brent’s boyfriend won’t be going to Vegas with Brent.
“I’ll get him a nice present,” Brent told me when I ﬁnally—FINALLY!—got
him on the phone. “But I think it would be awkward if he came along.”
Here are some fun Brent facts: Brent grew up on a dairy farm in Wisconsin, he
works in mergers and acquisitions, he’s gay as a goose, he says he’s
shy, and his big unrealized fantasies are taking part in a SAFE orgy and getting
tied up sometime. Brent prefers TWs because boxers bunch up, and he intends to
wear TWs for as long as he’s thin. Brent got half a million votes, but swears
he didn’t cheat. “Someone was stufﬁng the ballot box for me,” he
says. “But it wasn’t me!”
Finally, since Brent and his boyfriend broke up, Brent needs a date for our
trip to Las Vegas. That person could be YOU. No, no, no: It’s not another
contest. God fucking forbid. If you want to be Brent’s date in Vegas, all
you have to do is e-mail your picture, a nice letter, and three references to
Brent will look through the mail and pick someone to accompany him to Vegas.
Good luck, guys. n