More than a few times, you
have implied that if one’s partner is unwilling to satisfy, the
deprived person has a right to seek it elsewhere. My sex life with my
wife, despite my best efforts, is infrequent and uninspired. I recently
met a married woman who has had a nonexistent sex life for many
We like each other immensely and are
compatible in many ways, including in our sexual desires. Neither of us
wants to divorce our spouses, as the other areas of our lives are fine.
But we are considering becoming sex buddies. My question for you, Mr.
Savage: Are we required to discuss this with our spouses? Neither would
be agreeable. Or since both our spouses have made their lack of
interest in sex clear, can we go about this without informing our
respective partners? Or would that make us cheating
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...interest in sex clear, can we go about this without informing our
respective partners? Or would that make us cheating
Long Deprived Spouse
Yes, LDS, you two can “go about this”
without informing your respective partners—but you will have to
accept the “cheating spouses” label.
You may have grounds to seek sex outside
your marriage—your potential sex buddy, with her “nonexistent”
sex life, has better grounds than you do with your “infrequent and
uninspired” sex life—but grounds don’t make cheating not
cheating. So long as you’re married, it’s cheating, LDS, because
you’re, like, you know, married.
And for the record: I’ve never “implied”
that married people unjustly deprived of sex have a right to seek it
elsewhere. I’ve hammered away at that point, year after lonely year. I
have no talent for insinuation, LDS. But a married man with a sex buddy
on the side is an adulterer, full stop. So get the wife something nice,
I am a bisexual female in a
polyamorous relationship with a bisexual male. We are each other’s
primary. We are friends with a lesbian couple. The older member, to
whom I am attracted, lets the younger member, to whom I am not
attracted, have other partners. The older member is not interested in
outside contacts herself. The younger member is definitely interested
in me, but I spend my social time with this couple thinking about
banging the older member.
I am very conflicted about how to proceed. I
have a hunch the older member is attracted to me, but doesn’t have the
nerve to make a move. I am open to the possibility of a three-way. What
is my best course of action here?
You probably like to think of yourself as a
brave sexual adventurer, POLY, seeing as you’re all bi and poly and
shit. And there you are socializing with intergenerational lesbian
couples—man, you are living life on the edge! Pushing the
antelope! Creating dynamic new relationship structures! You are bi poly
woman—hear you rawr!
Sorry, POLY, but I’ve fried oysters with
more spine. You write that the older member of the lesbian couple
doesn’t have the “nerve to make a move.” Where’s your nerve? Attracted
to the older member? Tell her. Not into the younger member?
Tell her. Open to the possibility of a three-way with both
members? Tell ’em. The last thing the world needs is another
all-talk-no-action polyamorous braggart. You’re doing poly wrong, POLY,
when you spend more time diagramming your sexual relationships than you
do having sexual relationships.
I am dating a divorcée who
just turned 60. She told me her first husband required that she thank
him after intercourse. She does not find anything unusual about his
request or her complying with it. I think it is bizarre. What do you
have to say?
Amazed And Really
I have to say this: Insisting that
you be thanked after sex may be odd, perhaps a bit dom/sub, but it
hardly rises to the level of bizarre.
I want to say this: Maybe your
girlfriend was “required” to thank her ex after intercourse. Maybe he
was a domineering bully who ordered her to do all sorts of mildly
degrading things. Or maybe your girlfriend is submissive, AARP, and
telling you about all the awful, terrible, no-good things her ex “made”
her do is her way of letting you know what she would like you to do. It
could be that instead of just coming out and saying, “I like to be
dominated,” she’s saying, “My ex liked to dominate me.”
Feigned disgust is often a way to “safely”
broach the subject of spanking or feet or piss or whatever. So instead
of saying “Yeah, bizarre!” and dashing off a letter to a sex-advice
professional, AARP, what you should have said is: “Really? How did you
feel about that? Did that turn you on? Tell me more.”
Last week, you wrote that the authors
of many of those fake letters were inspired by their adolescent male
fear of female sexuality. I felt like I got hit in the chest with a
big, red brick of truth. My present girlfriend had a promiscuous past.
I was a terribly insecure teenager convinced that no one wanted me to
fuck or love them, and I feel like I’m still carrying around that shame
in my present and healthy relationship. I realized, from your column
last week, that I am completely threatened by my girlfriend’s
The thought that she had sex with other guys
and girls and enjoyed it drives me crazy. I get totally jealous
whenever she talks about it, particularly the one-night stands—a
type of encounter I’ve never had—and I don’t know how to deal
with it. How do you deal with jealousy like this?
Confused And Jealous And Turned On
P.S. An interesting and confusing aspect of
this is that I get turned on when she tells me stories of her sexual
encounters with other people and I love for her to tell me about them
while we fuck.
I saw that postscript coming a mile away,
CAJATO. Halfway through your letter, I muttered, “I bet this shit turns
him on.” I thought I was muttering it under my breath, but I must have
said it loud enough for the woman sitting next to me in this bar to
hear. Now I’m all alone.
It sounds to me like you’re dealing with
your jealousy just fine. Your subconscious has eroticized those
feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, turning the lemons of sexual
insecurity into the lemonade of a burgeoning sexual kink. Google
“cuckold” to get an idea of what you’ll be up to in a few years’
Regarding that letter about a dog
licking Nutella off a woman’s pussy. Yes, the letter was a fake, but
you left out an important detail: Chocolate is poison to dogs! Please
note this detail as a warning to any girls or boys who might want to
give this a try. It could kill their pet!
I figure anyone sick enough to try this
probably shouldn’t own a dog in the first place.
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