After six months of marriage—I’m a straight
male—the sex had become routine. To remedy this, my wife and I
discussed new things we might like to try. We were both being shy, so I
said the first thing that came to mind: “Anal?” My wife got quiet and
the conversation ended.
A couple weeks later, she brought up the conversation and showed me
an article of yours that said if a man wants anal, he should take it
first. I explained I wasn’t that interested and that I only brought it
up to spark a discussion. That sparked an argument. She also told me
that she had already spent a lot of money on a strap-on because “you
wanted this so bad.”
Now anytime I bring up any kind of sex, it restarts this argument.
She insists that I would not have brought up anal if I didn’t really
want it, and says I’m being unfair...
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...ge_question">Now anytime I bring up any kind of sex, it restarts this argument.
She insists that I would not have brought up anal if I didn’t really
want it, and says I’m being unfair by not agreeing to give it up first.
I just figured most couples at least experimented with anal. And while
I understand you feel differently, I feel having sex with a cock,
whether it is flesh or rubber, carries a homosexual implication.
My One Way Orifice
If having sex with a cock—flesh or
rubber—carries a homosexual implication, then it would appear
that you’re an old pro at this gay sex stuff, MOWO, seeing as you’ve
been having sex with a cock since you started giving yourself handjobs
at—what? Twelve? Thirteen?
Okay, backing up a bit: Straight men who are
curious about anal penetration—the penetration of their own
anuses—often create elaborate fantasy scenarios in which they’re
compelled to submit. Cruel-and-
gay-rape scenarios, giving-it-up-to-get-it scenarios. These fantasies,
while legit (and sometimes hot), are also very revealing: Many straight
men view anal penetration as a pure power-and-
domination trip for
the top, and receptive anal sex as a nightmare to be endured for the
But, hey, I’m willing to suspend my
disbelief, MOWO, and accept your rough and implausible premise: Your
sex life went stale after six months of marriage despite the fact that
you married the kind of woman who’ll run out and buy a strap-on dildo
the very first time her husband broaches the subject of anal sex.
It sounds like your wife is the one who’s
really interested in anal, MOWO. It also sounds like your wife is
trying to shift all responsibility to you—insisting that you’re
the obsessed one—perhaps because, like many women, she believes
(or worries that her husband believes) that “good” girls don’t have
filthy butt-sex fantasies. By insisting that this is all about your
needs, MOWO, your wife doesn’t have to admit to herself or to you that
she’s a dirty, dirty perv. She’s just a nice, indulgent wife.
But since she’s the one who ran out and
bought a strap-on at the first hint of a discussion about the
possibility of anal, well, that’s a pretty good indication that your
wife was harboring pegging fantasies long before you broached the
subject. Perhaps it was my column that perved her, or maybe she went to
the kind of college where they screen Bend Over Boyfriend during
freshman orientation. (Yeah, I’m looking at you, WWU.)
And yes, MOWO, I believe the best way for a
straight man to demonstrate to a straight woman that anal sex can be
mutually pleasurable—that it’s not (necessarily) about dominance
and degradation—is to do the gentlemanly thing and go first. If I
may paraphrase Barack Obama: Sometimes you gotta be the change that you
And yes, MOWO, there are “homosexual
implications” to pegging. (There will also be homosexual exclamations:
If she pegs your ass properly, you should be squealing like an Idaho
Republican.) But you can explore anal pleasure—your anus, mutual
pleasure—without a scary ol’ strap-on. Let her lay a vibrator
over your asshole, not stick one in it. Or better yet, go buy a
buttplug. Buttplugs looks like no dick you’ve ever seen—outside
of sci-fi porn, perhaps—and carry far fewer of those dreaded
My boyfriend and I have been monogamous for three
years. We enjoy different kinds of sex, and our toy collection is
extensive. A couple of months ago, he brought up the fact that he has
fantasized about me with other men. The term is cuckolding, right? I
find the idea intriguing. After all, it’s a free pass to have sex with
another man! Questions: Are there any rules? And if I have sex with
another man… does that mean I have to let him have sex with another
woman? Any advice about “open” relationships would be GREATLY
New Experience Really Valuable Or
“It’s interesting that when your boyfriend
shared his fantasy with you, you jumped right to the term
‘cuckolding,'” says Tristan Taormino, columnist, pornographer, and
author of the new book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and
Sustaining Open Relationships. “By definition, a cuckold is a
married man whose wife cheats on him behind his back. A cuckold
fetishist, on the other hand, not only knows about his wife’s
dalliances, but often enjoys the humiliation of being forced to
Only your boyfriend knows for sure if it’s
cuckolding he wants, NERVOUS, and you’ll have to ask him. There are no
assumptions in successful open relationships—and no “free passes”
“Nothing about responsible nonmonogamy
involves a free pass of any sort,” says Taormino. “It’s absolutely
possible for you to transform your monogamous relationship into one
that’s nonmonogamous. But you need to sit down and hash out the
details, including what’s okay and what’s not.” As for him sleeping
with other women, it may well be that your boyfriend wants to give you
permission to sleep with others without being able to sleep with others
himself; that kind of power imbalance is a huge turn-on for most
cuckolds. Again, you’ll have to talk to him.
The last time cuckolding came up in your column you
wrote: “Huge numbers of straight men have cuckolding fantasies.” As a
straight man, I want to know: Are gay men with cuckolding fantasies few
and far between?
Ever Lost Innocence
Until DNA tests came along, ELI, only
maternity could be taken for granted; the cuckolding fetish is merely
the boner-killing lemons of male sexual/paternal insecurity turned into
deliciously perverted bonerade. Gay sex, on the other hand, doesn’t
make babies, only messes (which is all straight sex makes 99.98 percent
of the time). Which may explain why, as a general rule, ELI, gay men
aren’t threatened when our partners are “taken” by other men. Many of
us are only too delighted to share.
So when some other guy is doing, say, my
boyfriend (or being done by him), ELI, it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m
being violated, humiliated, kicked out of my own bed, etc. It usually
just means I’m having a three-way.