Recently, I celebrated my
first year of marriage to the most amazing man. When we first began
dating, he told me that he enjoys open sexuality and wants swinging to
be part of any partnership he’s in. I regard myself as free-spirited
and agreed to explore this with him. We delayed experimentation because
I had a stressful job and I wanted to spend my limited free time with
him instead of exploring our sexuality with multiple partners. My work
situation changed, and we have since had about a dozen experiences in
the past year. I have discovered that these situations are not a
turn-on for me—in fact, they are a turnoff. I feel resentful
after these episodes, and I don’t feel like having sex for days. We
have discussed this at length, and we have been seeing a counselor.
Recently, we had a civil discussion wherein we...
Want to read the rest? Subscribe now to get every question, every week, the complete Savage Love archives, access to comments, special events, and much more!
All Subscriber Benefits
...have discussed this at length, and we have been seeing a counselor.
Recently, we had a civil discussion wherein we discussed the
possibility of him having these sexual experiences without me, since I
do not find them compelling. This idea appealed to him. He proposed
going to a sex party alone that very night.
Ever since then, I have been crushed by the
prospect of my husband having a sex life outside of our relationship.
Since we met, his sexuality has had an outward trajectory, rather than
being relationship centered. Having a healthy sexual relationship with
him is enough for me. He makes a good point that he has been straight
about his desire for this lifestyle since day one, but I am still
frustrated and horrified that my husband needs to have sex outside of
our marriage. I can’t help but feel hurt that I alone am not enough for
I’d appreciate your straight, honest
feedback on this.
Sex Best One On One
Straight, honest feedback: You are an
idiot. Your husband informed you in advance about the
“outward trajectory” of his sexuality; you knew going in that
your husband could never be satisfied in a marriage that didn’t involve
“open sexuality” and swinging. Don’t come crying to me now because the
man you married wants to actually have sex with other people. You knew
that before you married him, SBOOO, because he fucking told you
You’re unlikely to encounter a marriage
counselor who’ll take your husband’s side (nonmonogamy? boo!) over
yours (monogamy? yay!), SBOOO, so I’m going to aggressively come to his
defense: You’re never going to convince your husband that one-on-one
ought to be enough for him. Sorry. You’re also going to have a hard
time convincing him that you didn’t deceive him in the run-up to this
marriage. When he told you that monogamy was a deal breaker, SBOOO, you
replied that you were “free-spirited” and willing to “explore.” But,
alas, circumstances beyond your control prevented you from embarking on
any explorations until after the wedding, and only then—only
after he married you—did you discover that your husband’s
sexual interests both frustrated and horrified.
Because if you’d been a little less stressed
at work, SBOOO, maybe you could’ve made time for a little swinging
before the wedding. Then you might’ve learned that nonmonogamy wasn’t
for you and been able to give this amazing man that information
before he married your ass. Oh, but your work schedule didn’t
allow for premarital explorations, and now this amazing man has to
decide whether to go through the hell of a divorce—knowing full
well that he will be seen as the bad guy by all your relatives and
friends, and 99.99 percent of marriage counselors—or give in to
your emotional, sexual, and financial blackmail.
Want more evidence that you weren’t
negotiating with your husband in good faith before the wedding, SBOOO?
How about this: You aren’t negotiating with him in good faith
now. So you recently had “a civil discussion” with him about the
possibility of his going to sex parties alone—how many uncivil
discussions have you had?—but then you were crushed when
he wanted to take you up on this proposed compromise. So once again he
wants to fuck around, once again you agree to his fucking around in
principle, once again he proposes fucking around in earnest, and once
again you lose your shit—only this time you go boohooing to an
advice columnist and not a marriage counselor.
Sorry, SBOOO, you picked the wrong
columnist. You want and always wanted a monogamous commitment. Free
spirit, my ass. You are—surprise!—sexually incompatible.
Divorce. Get it over with.
I’m a male with submissive
tendencies, and my wife decides when I get to orgasm. We have sex
regularly, but she only lets me ejaculate occasionally. She finds that
I’m more attentive to her now that we’re doing “orgasm denial,” and I
get to scratch my submissive itch. Ain’t life grand?
Here’s my question: I enjoy pushing the
limits, and I’ve gone as long as six weeks without release. (We use a
CB-6000 chastity cage on my cock so I won’t succumb in a moment of
weakness.) But I’m a little concerned about the effects on my prostate.
After several weeks of denial, I leak pre-come when aroused. I’ve read
that recent studies showed that frequent ejaculation reduces the risk
of prostate cancer. Am I putting myself at greater risk by ejaculating
so infrequently? Can you ask your medical expert?
Loving Orgasms And Denial Every Day
Two orgasm-denial questions in two
weeks—it’s officially a trend! Can a Good Morning America
segment be far behind?
“We still have very little idea what might
cause or prevent prostate cancer,” says Dr. Barak Gaster, associate
professor of medicine at the University of Washington and our resident
medical expert. “There are some clues—red meat, probably bad;
vegetables, probably good; vitamin E, probably not helpful—but
we’re really still in the dark.” And while most studies have shown
frequent ejaculation to be good for prostate health, one recent study
out of the UK showed the exact opposite.
So what should you do? Rely on the
best-available study, advises Gaster. “[That study] followed U.S. men
for eight years and found that those with the most ejaculations per
month (more than 20) had a 30 percent lower risk of prostate cancer
compared to those who were having fewer per month (about five).” But
there is good news in the study for you, LOADED: “The 5 percent of men
who reported having zero to three per month appeared to have a lower
risk for prostate cancer as well,” said Gaster. “The caveat is that
this group was too small to make definite conclusions about them. But
it looks like coming more than 20 times a month could be good for you
in terms of prostate cancer, but it’s unlikely that coming very little,
like zero to three times per month, is necessarily bad for you compared
to coming once or twice a week.”
So ejaculate frequently, guys, or ejaculate
rarely, because it would appear that moderation in pursuit of prostate
health is no virtue.