I have lived with my boyfriend
for almost two years. He says he loves me and does a lot of loving
things for me. We are both in our early 60s, but we have the sexual
energy of 20-year-olds. Here’s the problem: I am overweight (size 18).
I was overweight when he met me. I now know that he hates fat women.
You should hear his disgust when he sees them on TV or on the street.
He has begun to tease me and make jokes about my weight. This hurts my
feelings, and I have told him so. He says I’m too sensitive. What is
your advice to me?
Fat And Teased
Before I answer your question, FAT, I’m
going to take a little stroll down Suppressed Memory Lane: I once had a
“bisexual” boyfriend. (I place bisexual in quotes, Angry Bisexual
Community, only because this guy wasn’t...
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...to take a little stroll down Suppressed Memory Lane: I once had a
“bisexual” boyfriend. (I place bisexual in quotes, Angry Bisexual
Community, only because this guy wasn’t bisexual. That doesn’t
mean other guys aren’t bisexual.) My “bisexual” boyfriend liked
to claim that he really wasn’t that into men until I came
along—I was the magical exception, the one guy who did it for
him—but even then, he told people loudly at parties, he was
mostly turned on by how into him I was, he wasn’t that into me
or my junk. (He could barely stand to look at my cock—which is
why he stuffed it in his mouth or ass whenever we got naked.)
And you know what, FAT? He made disparaging
comments constantly about gay men he saw on the street or on
TV—gay men like the one he was with—and put me down
constantly for having a much more serious case of the gay than he did.
He was going to marry a woman one day, a woman with lady parts, and
have a family; I was going to remain hopelessly gay all my life. He
was, of course, gayer than a college wrestling team and eventually came
out as gay—much to the consternation of all his friends who
believed him when he said that he wasn’t really that into men.
(By which I mean to say, much to the consternation of absolutely no
Anyway, your current boyfriend (early 60s,
straight, asshole) reminded me of my old boyfriend (20, gay, asshole).
A man who claims to have fallen in love with someone who he’s
not attracted to, or someone who disgusts him, expressly so he
can belittle that person and make that person feel awful, well, that
man is a complete asshole, FAT, and my first impulse is to advise you
DTMFA just like I did my asshole boyfriend. But…
You say he’s good to you otherwise, does
loads for you, and fucks you regularly—so before you dump this
motherfucker, FAT, let’s consider reforming him. Say he’s totally into
you and into big women, just like my ex was totally into cock. But,
like my ex, he’s uncomfortable with his sexuality and worries about
what other people think—including you, FAT, as paradoxical as
that may sound. So he makes asshole comments in an effort to hide his
true feelings—possibility fetishistic feelings—for big
women. The asshole comments allow him to pretend that he’s not into
your body, just hopelessly in love with you, the person
you are on the inside—which makes him one of the “good guys,”
i.e., a guy who isn’t so shallow as to let a little thing like your
weight come between you.
While I had to dump my “bisexual” boyfriend,
FAT, a little shock-and-awe therapy might convince your “fatphobic”
boyfriend to knock it off. You shouldn’t have to put up with his
comments, FAT, whether they’re motivated by shame for his attraction to
big fat asses or, if my theory is incorrect, by a genuine hatred for
fat people. Either way, FAT, you’ve got to tell him—in no
uncertain terms—to knock it the fuck off already. Don’t be
measured, don’t wrap it up in “I” statements, no mewling about your
feelings. Give him both barrels: “If you don’t knock it the
fuck off—the asshole comments, the stupid jokes—I’m
going to kick your ass out, got it?” A strategic blowup or two should
occur—scream, yell, smash a few things you’re not all that
attached to—when he slips up. Repeat until his attitude changes
or his address does.
When I first met my
fiancé two years ago, he was training for a marathon and had the
body of a Greek god. But he seems to be losing all interest in his
appearance. The other day he sent me a photo of himself (I am finishing
college in another state) that made me yelp in shock because he’d
gained so much weight. I don’t want to dump him—the man I love is
encased in that mound somewhere—but it’s gotten to the point
where I’m glad I’m in a long-distance relationship because it means I
don’t have to sleep with him. How can I communicate this in a subtle
way so as not to hurt him?
The Biggest Gainer
Well, aren’t you a shallow piece of shit. I
mean, do you love this man for who he is or how he looks?
What about the person he is on the inside?
Just kidding, TBG, I’m totally on your side.
While we all eventually arrive at old and ugly—”ugly” is an
entirely subjective judgment, of course, and for some of us, “body of a
Greek god” counts as “ugly”—you’re under no obligation to marry a
man who’s in a hurry to get there. Tell him that committing to you
means committing to maintaining his body out of consideration for the
pleasure you’re expected to provide to it/take from it.
Thanks for your advice to
Missing Kisses, where you explained that sometimes men can be turned on
by a desire to do some post-orgasm activity but lose that desire once
we’ve ejaculated. I have this problem with one fantasy.
For years, while fucking my wife, I’ve told
her about how badly I want to come all over her nipples and then lick
it off. She’s keen on the idea and presents herself to be licked clean
after I come. However, I’ve never been able to follow through. It’s not
a matter of some latent gay panic; I’m simply not turned on anymore at
that point and have no desire. Is there a way around this? I’d like to
complete the act at least once, if only to surprise her.
Loses Interest Quickly
There is a way around it, LIQ, but your wife
will have to lead the way. So stop reading, LIQ, because the rest of
this answer is for the wife’s eyes only. Mrs. LIQ: You’re going to have
to make him do it. You’re going to have to force him to
follow through on all that lick-my-come-off-your-tits dirty talk. The
next time he tells you he’s going to lick his come off your tits, tell
him that you’re holding him to it: He either does it or no more pussy
for him until he does. And don’t make an idle threat: If he doesn’t do
it, don’t let him fuck you again until he does. He’ll do it grudgingly,
and he’ll hate it while he’s doing it. But once he’s horny again, he’ll
be so turned on by the thought of what you “forced” him to do that
he’ll totally “bring it,” as the kids were only too recently saying,
and fuck the living shit out of you. You’re welcome.