America’s longest-running sex-advice column!

Pros and Flows

In response to a wannabe fister who hadn’t told his girlfriend about his kink, you wrote, “At three years, all your kink cards should be lying faceup on the table.” Really? Then my husband and I screwed up. We’ve been married for 19 years, and he told me only five years ago that he wanted to be spanked. Less than two years ago, he mentioned that he had been to a dominatrix before we met. I thought we had talked about everything when it came to sex and fantasies. I was wrong.

While I have your attention: I’m having a problem with the spanking. It just isn’t my thing. I told my husband he could go to a dominatrix if that would satisfy his needs. He agreed to go if I watched the session. I’m not sure I can do that, either. Well, guess what? We can’t even find one in our part of the...

Want to read the rest? Subscribe now to get every question, every week, the complete Savage Love archives, special events, and much more!

...session. I’m not sure I can do that, either. Well, guess what? We can’t even find one in our part of the country. I hate to think we need to plan a special trip outside to visit a dominatrix (“outside” means Lower 48 in Alaska slang). I can’t imagine scheduling something like that when we’re on vacation visiting kids, family, and friends. Any suggestions? Not Into Spanking You didn’t screw up, NIS, your husband did—he’s the one who didn’t lay down his kink cards. I find this bit absolutely astounding: You gave your husband permission to see a professional dominatrix—a permission slip that countless submissive married men would be thrilled to have—and he responded by placing conditions on you? His desire to include you is a good sign (he’s just that into you), but he’s either an ingrate or a bossy, passive-aggressive, domineering douchesub for responding like that. You’re in a better position to judge which one he is. My advice: Stand your ground. He has your blessing to go get his spank on—on his own. The accommodation you’ve proposed is reasonable and generous, and he should be grateful. He doesn’t have to travel to the big city to see a pro with a fully tricked-out dungeon: Most sex workers are happy to indulge their clients’ milder kinks, and spanking—as opposed to flogging, caning, sandblasting, etc.—definitely qualifies as mild. If you do find yourself in the Lower 48 and he wants to make an appointment with a pro, just tell your kids, family, and friends that you’re slipping out for a romantic meal. Accompany your husband to the studio, say hello to the nice dominatrix, and hand your husband over for punishment. Then you can retire to a nice restaurant and have the cocktail you deserve while your husband gets the spanking he deserves. And once your husband arrives, have that romantic meal. I’ve been in a BDSM relationship for two years with an awesome top who respects my limits. Like most GGG lovers, there are things I hate and won’t do, and there’s stuff I don’t like much but I know he loves and I can put up with. One of these things is having his dick hit my cervix when we’re fucking: He loves it because it hurts, but it freaks me out because I’ve heard stories of women having their cervixes ruptured during sex. He assures me that won’t happen, but on at least two occasions I’ve bled so much that I thought my period had started. Am I right to be freaked for my cervix or is this okay? Freaked By Bloody Sex “Worrisome cervical damage, including cervical rupture during sexual intercourse between two healthy adults, is extremely unlikely,” said Nassim Assefi, an internist specializing in women’s health—as well as a writer, activist, and humanitarian aid worker. (Learn more about her superhuman kickassery at www.nassimassefi.com.) “Some caveats: This assumes no piercings of the penis (no spiky jewelry hitting the cervix), and this does not include rape of young girls, large-animal penis penetration of women, and use of foreign bodies (dildos and other objects much larger than human penises).” Assefi adds that it’s not uncommon to have a little cervical bleeding after vigorous vaginal intercourse, FBBS, and I’ll add that a little bleeding—on occasion (birthdays, holidays, anniversaries)—can be normal after anal, too. “However, bleeding—especially heavy bleeding like a period—may be a sign of a cervix made fragile by STIs, benign growths (polyps), precancerous conditions, or cancer, not to mention bleeding disorders. It’s worth getting a pelvic exam and talking to a health provider about the bleeding if you’re worried or the bleeding is heavy.” Assefi sums it up: “Bonk the cervix if you and your partner get off on it. Just make sure you’re bonking a healthy cervix.” I’m a 28-year-old gay man, living with my partner for two years. I’ve always been open about wanting to be tied up, spanked, maybe trussed up in leather bondage gear. He’s always been open about his reluctance to indulge me, saying he needs time to get used to it. I’m inclined to believe him, because it took him quite a while to get to the point of just being willing to strap me to the bed and jerk me. I’d like to explore some other aspects of my fetishes. He says we will but thinking about me in kinky gear makes him anxious. We had a bit of an argument about this, and I’ve agreed to drop the subject of my kinks while we’re on vacation. He’s worth waiting for: We click emotionally, he’s sexy, I love his smell, we enjoy spending time together, I love the cuddles, we love each other madly, and the vanilla sex we have is great. So if he never got past this at all, it might not be a deal breaker, but I’m hoping you have some ideas about how to make it more fun and less stressful or off-putting for him. Boyfriend Isn’t Necessarily Delivering My Erotics There’s one way you could make your kinks less stressful for your boyfriend: Outsource ’em. Unlike straight married men who want to be tied up and spanked, BINDME, you wouldn’t have to pay (or travel) for it. The supply-and-demand problem that complicates the lives of so many kinky straight men—there are too many kinky men out there chasing too few kinky women—isn’t an issue for kinky gay men. Kinky gay men with vanilla partners have the option of jumping on Recon.com or other kink sites and finding a few bondage buddies, i.e., guys they get together with for free sex-free bondage sessions. If your boyfriend doesn’t want to sign off on that, and you’re willing to hang in there, you should. A vanilla guy who’s strapping you to the bed at two years could be helping you pick out hardcore bondage gear for your wedding registry at four. It sounds like this relationship has a lot going for it, BINDME, so you might want to take his word for it when he says that he’ll get there for you. It certainly won’t hurt to give the subject a rest over your vacation, particularly if you’ve been plaguing him about it recently. But let him know, post-vacation, that while you’re willing to be patient (you are being patient), you’re ultimately going to explore your kinks with him—your preferred option—or you’re going to need his permission to explore your kinks without him. But you’re not going to not explore your kinks. Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net