Only the Lonely

...was only attracted to tall, butch women. He longed to be held in the strong arms of a woman who could snap him in two—and he wasn’t having much luck. This was the totality of my advice for him: “Most women prefer men who are taller than they are. It’s a sad, unavoidable fact, BTL, one you’ll have to accept (just as I had to accept that most men prefer women), and you’ll have to search harder for the lady/lady arms of your dreams. Not much else you can do about it.” I think that advice is solid, JCIL, but I can see why it would be unsatisfying. So here are a few bonus paragraphs for you… Some big, beautiful women (BBWs) resent their “fans,” JCIL, aka “fat admirers” (FAs), as they find the attentions of fat fetishists to be objectifying and emotionally fraught. (Particularly when their “admirers” are struggling with shame and want to date them only on the down low.) But here’s why fat women have their own sex-object abbreviation and their admirers have their own websites (both porn and dating): because there’s no shortage of FAs. There are lots of guys out there who are into BBWs. Now, there may be a few women with a fetish for short guys—women who aren’t just open to dating short guys but filled with a panty-dampening, crazy-making lust for short guys—but there aren’t enough of them to form the critical mass necessary to sustain even one website for short guys and the women who admire them. So it looks like you’ll have to redouble your efforts at regular dating websites, JCIL, i.e., “search harder for the lady/lady arms of your dreams.” Christian Rudder, one of the founders of OkCupid, took a look at the impact height has on the dating and mating success of the site’s users. It probably won’t surprise you to learn that taller guys have more sex—just one measure of romantic success—but it may surprise you to learn that extremely tall guys (six foot six and above) don’t get many more “unsolicited messages” than extremely short guys. And then there’s this: “Women six feet or taller are either less attractive to men or are considered too intimidating to message,” Rudder writes. “[But] the data also raises the interesting possibility that these tall women are much more likely to sleep with a man who does approach them. Compare the 6’0″ woman to her 5’4″ counterpart: The taller woman gets hit on about two-thirds as much, yet has had slightly more sex partners.” The takeaway for you, JCIL: Try hitting on taller women. My last relationship—abusive—ended 13 years ago. I’ve been single for the last 10. I enjoy my life! And I get to wake up in the morning happy, not afraid! However, I would like to share my life with someone. I have not been asked on a date in years—sad—but I go out to movies, dinner, etc., on my own. Do I have a list? Yes! My love should be happy, be self-actualized, be capable of communicating without violence, and have a sense of humor. I am physically fit, and although I’m not a beauty, I’m pretty enough! I snowboard and ride horses—I have lots of energy for 52.5! But is this it? Am I to be alone now? Lonely And Seeking Someone You may very well be alone for the rest of your life, LASS, but you’re already doing everything I urge lonely people to do: You’re getting out there and living your life, you’re being yourself, you’re doing shit, you’re going places. Happy, active, and self-actualized people are more attractive and likelier to attract mates—so put up a few personal ads and see if there’s anyone in your area who wants to join you for dinner, snowboarding, horseback riding, whatever. But more importantly, LASS, always remember this: It’s better to be a happy, active, and self-actualized single person than a miserable, sedentary, and the-opposite-of-self-actualized-whatever-that-is partnered person. I am a straight male who has never been in a romantic relationship. I am not a virgin, but every romantic relationship I’ve tried to pursue has ended in disaster. A few things you should know about me: While I am not a full-on clinical psychopath by a long shot, I am on that scale and do have psychopathic tendencies. I know this makes me sound like an asshole (and I probably am an asshole), but I am often the smartest person in the room. I wish this wasn’t the case. Bottom line: I am extremely lonely. I have trouble relating to people, and they have trouble relating to me. I want to change how I relate to others, I want to be in a healthy relationship, and most of all I want to stop feeling so lonely, but I can’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t feel isolated. I don’t even know where to start. Any guidance would be appreciated. Alone And Afraid You didn’t mention seeking professional help, AAA, and maybe that’s because you fear being smarter than the shrink in the room. But cognitive behavioral therapy is supposed to be an effective treatment for people with psychopathic tendencies. The goal isn’t to change you or rewire your brain, as that’s most likely impossible, but to change how you approach and interact with people. Also, AAA, a lot of people who are in relationships—even people who find it easy to interact with others—struggle with feelings of isolation. That’s not uncommon. And there are tons of people out there who aren’t psychopaths (or on the scale) who can describe their romantic histories in the same apocalyptic terms that you do. Get help, keep things in perspective, and borrow a page from LASS’s playbook: Live your life, do shit, go places, even if you have to go alone for now. I am a college student just trying to get through my senior year with some halfway decent grades and a smidge of sanity. As such, I have basically given up the social scene. I avoid sexual or romantic interactions. The problem is, while I recognize that I will have plenty of time for social stuff once I graduate (and some far better prospects available with a degree to my name), the rest of me is having trouble getting with the program. My weekends are a lot quieter and my wallet is more comfortable, but sometimes I can’t help feeling lonely. Is there anything in your bag of tricks for this self-imposed hermit? Losing Out Nearly Everyday Masturbate daily, LONE, and remind yourself before, during, and after blowing those loads that your isolation is something you chose. It isn’t something that was imposed on you by circumstance or height or mental illness—it’s also a problem that will solve itself in six months. This week, listen to the Lovecast live from Seattle’s Neptune Theatre at savagelovecast.com. mail@savagelove.net @fakedansavage on Twitter