America’s longest-running sex-advice column!


Joe Newton

At a party recently I was chatting with a parent who mentioned that he lets his (elementary school age) kids look at porn. He had a laissez-faire attitude about the whole thing, but I found it disturbing. Am I being a judge-y childless witch?

There were no middle schools where I grew up, so an “elementary school age” child could be a six-year-old first grader or 14-year-old eighth grader. For the record: I obviously don’t think a six-year-old should view porn, and a responsible parent would not allow a young child to view pornography. I also know it’s almost impossible for a parent to stop a motivated 14-year-old kid from looking at porn. So, if this man’s children are older, perhaps he said, “lets his kids,” when he meant, “can’t stop his kids.” Whatever his kids’ ages, you can’t stop him from not stopping his kid from looking at...

Want to read the rest? Subscribe now to get every question, every week, the complete Savage Love archives, special events, and much more!

...ping his kid from looking at porn, but you are free to offer him some unsolicited advice. (Is there anything parents enjoy more?) You could also send him the clip of Billie Eilish on Howard Stern talking about how watching porn at a young age really messed with her head. My husband likes to be naked all the time at home. I think he should cover up when he’s in front of the big window in our front room and can be seen from the street, but he says I am being body shame-y. What do you think? I dated a guy who thought he should be able to walk around in front of his large picture windows at home, naked and sometimes hard (morning wood-y), and he was adamant about it. And then one day the police came and arrested him for indecent exposure. Anyway, you should put up curtains and/or plant some tall bushes in front of those picture windows. 44-year-old here who’s on the dating scene for the first time in 11 years. A few months ago, I hit it off with a hot, hot guy. Great! My problem/question is about distractions during sex, and I need a sanity check. Once during intercourse, Hot Guy called out an answer to an NPR news quiz that was playing in the background. Is this behavior rude? I’m operating under the assumption that if one’s mind wanders during sex, one should at least pretend to be focused. “Maybe this letter writer should’ve chosen a more appropriate time for intimate relations—like when This American Life is playing,” said Peter Sagal, the host of Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me!, National Public Radio’s long-running news quiz program. “Still, I completely understand why the letter writer would be offended by this man’s behavior. First, by thinking our show would be appropriate as an audio background for lovemaking—although Bill Kurtis is known, for good reason, as the Barry White of anchormen. And second, the fact that he actually answered questions out loud while in flagrante. But the letter writer shouldn’t think he was completely ignoring her to concentrate on us: our questions aren’t that hard.” Follow Peter Sagal on Twitter @PeterSagal. Been playing with one of my fellow guys recently—I’m a gay guy—who says he’s into men, but who absolutely refuses to let me (or anyone else) touch his butt. What is this? The Ass Ceiling. (It’s also a boundary of his, and one you must respect—but you’re free to ask him about it. Conversations, even follow-up conversations, about limits, boundaries, and reasonable expectations are not inherently coercive. Wanting to better understand a “no” doesn’t mean you didn’t hear it and don’t respect it. But at the start of a follow-up conversation like that, you need to emphasize that you did, indeed, hear that “no,” and will, of course, continue to respect it.) I’m a 40-year-old cis het man. For more than 20 years—most of my life so far—I’ve been obsessed with one woman. We were never a couple, and I haven’t had contact with her since my mid-20s. How to get past this? The easiest way would probably be to start a relationship with another woman. Or I could get therapy—but I don’t know if my insurance would cover it. Some days my Instagram feed is mostly memes about how straight guys will do literally anything to avoid getting the therapy they clearly need… and your question brought every one of those memes to mind. I mean, you’ve been miserable for almost two decades and you can’t be bothered to check whether your health insurance covers the therapy you so clearly need? Jesus, dude. Make that phone call, get some therapy, don’t date anyone until you’ve been seeing your therapist for at least a year. My husband and I (bio female, newly transmasc) recently became poly. We have created a “closed kitchen table poly quad” with our two best friends. The breakdown is one older married couple, one younger engaged couple, and it’s getting serious. We are now talking about moving in together. Any tips on living together for poly newbies? I think we have a chance at making it work long-term, but I don’t want to add pressure. Here’s a tip for poly newbies: don’t move in with other singles, couples, triads, battalions, etc., you just started dating. If moving in together is the right thing to do, moving in together will still be the right thing three years from now. If it’s the wrong thing to do, moving in together will be a disaster three months from now. Take it slow. A date recently tried acting out a Daddy Dom roleplay with me. I don’t want to judge, but it’s something I’m very unfamiliar with and he popped it on me in the middle of hooking up with no discussion beforehand. It kind of caught me off guard. Do you have any resources that could help me understand what it is about this kink that seems to get people going? Judge! This guy sprang Daddy Dom/Little Girl (DDLG) role play on you—a Dom/sub scenario that involves age play between consenting adults—and that’s not okay! DDLG is a turn-on for some but off-putting for many, like most kinks. But DDLG dirty talk could potentially traumatize someone who was abused by their actual father. There are lots of DDLG blogs, books, and podcasts out there if you want to learn more about it—I’m not familiar enough with any of them to make a recommendation—but I hope you’re not interested in learning more because you’re thinking about fucking this guy again. Don’t fuck this guy again! Your Daddy Dan forbids it! I know you love correct usage and aren’t afraid of being corrected. I’ve noticed many times that you use “disinterested” when you mean “uninterested.” To say you’re “disinterested” means you don’t have a dog in the fight—that one is impartial. As in, “It’s important for arbitration to be done by a disinterested party.” Someone who is uninterested lacks interest in the thing—it’s something they don’t care about. As in, “My girlfriend is uninterested in oral sex.” Thanks for all the great work! Thank you for the correction, sorry about your girlfriend. What’s the best way for an older woman to keep a younger man interested? Enjoy the ride. I’m a married man. My wife is gone for extended periods of time during military deployments. She wants me to date while she’s away. I’m curious if there’s a particular app you recommend for my situation. I will not lead anyone on who is hoping to find their forever partner. This is temporary. I also don’t need the rest of the world to find out. Being socially monogamous is a big priority for us. Tinder is a good place for straight people to find casual sex partners, but you have to show your face, which ups your chances of getting found out. Feeld, a dating app for people seeking thirds (and other things), doesn’t require you to post a face pic, so you can get to know someone a bit—and explain your situation at greater length—before sharing a face pic. You could still wind up swapping face pics with someone you or your wife knows, works with, so if being socially monogamous as a couple—that is, perceived to be monogamous when you are not—is your first priority, you shouldn’t get on the apps (or date anyone else) at all. Can you “round that motherfucker up to ‘The One’” if he or she is so narcissistic that they’ll never round you up to their “The One,” assuming you’re sure you can fix them? You can, you shouldn’t. Also, unless you mean “fix” in the getting-your-dog-fixed sense, you can’t fix someone. And you shouldn’t fix someone like you would a dog—not even if that’s what they want. If you’re a sex worker and that’s where the bulk of your income comes from, how do you pass income verification checks when getting an apartment? I shared you note with some sex worker pals and their responses fell into two different camps: Lie and/or sublet. Are you divorced or something? I’m all sorts of things, but divorced ain’t one. (But if my husband follows through on his threat to get me a bag of these for my birthday, divorce it is.) questions@savagelove.net Listen to Dan on the Savage Lovecast. Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage. Columns, podcasts, books, merch and more at savage.love.

Comments on Quickies