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Joe Newton

Can someone be both homosexual and asexual? I can’t wrap my brain around this one.

Sure, a person can be asexual while also being homosexual… because asexuality is a spectrum, and that spectrum is broad and vast and includes people who experience sexual attraction and sometimes choose to act on their sexual attraction. Basically, some asexual guys want boyfriends but don’t wanna fuck ‘em at all, other asexual guys want boyfriends but don’t wanna fuck ‘em much. It’s really not that confusing… unless you happen to be dating a guy who either doesn’t know he’s asexual or knows it and hasn’t told you, in which case you’re likely to be as confused as you are frustrated.

I’m a recently divorced 53-year-old bi-curious woman living on the East Coast. I was with my ex for most of my life and he never mentioned this, but since I have begun dating,...

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...t of my life and he never mentioned this, but since I have begun dating, each new partner has told me how tight I am. You would think this was a good thing! I recently began dating a man who says he loves how tight I am. However, he also says it is making him come quickly. His marriage recently ended too, so he hasn’t had a lot of sexual experience either. So, I don’t know if he just comes quickly or if it’s because of me. Do you have any suggestions? Maybe it’s you—maybe it’s that you’re tight (which most men regard as a good thing)—or maybe he’s a premature ejaculator and he’d rather blame you than admit to it. Either way, don’t let him stick his dick in you until after he’s made you come at least once. Why do all the gay guys in my age group—guys I like—not want me? And why do only a few men above my age group—guys I also like—want me? It’s a mystery—a mystery best pondered sitting on the dick of an older guy who wanted you and got you. Any tips for safe sex during threesomes? Thinking about having a MFF threesome! There’s no such thing as safe sex, there’s only safer sex. To be completely safe, skip the threesome, stay home, and take a nice, long, relaxing bath instead. Or not. According to the CDC, every year a quarter of a million people wind up in the emergency room after a fall in the bathroom and thousands more never make it to the ER because they DIED naked, wet, and alone after falling out of their tubs. Meanwhile, fewer than 50,000 people are diagnosed with primary and secondary syphilis annually. So, you’re probably safer at that threesome—provided you don’t shower before or after it. Or ever again. (Full disclosure: Almost 700,000 people got gonorrhea in 2020 and 1.5 million people got chlamydia.) As for making the sex safer, get tested, share your STI statuses, and use condoms. (Condoms, when correctly used, will protect you from syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, HIV, and pregnancy.) Basically, follow the same risk-reduction strategies you would follow for a twosome—with one addition: if M wants to fuck both Fs, he needs to change condoms each time he swaps holes. And to make your threesome emotionally safer, all three of you should be clear about what you do and don’t want, and everyone should agree—out loud—that if someone feels left out, unsafe, or uncomfortable, they can call a timeout without the other two pouting about it. Newly non-monogamous and dating after 16 years of monogamy. How to lighten the “let down” feeling when a date I’ve been looking forward to is over and I have to go back to my “regular” life? Your marriage, aka your “regular” life, will fall apart if fun (going out, doing things, having adventures) is reserved for dates and stress (paying bills, doing chores, raising kids) is reserved for your spouse. New-relationship-energy-infused dates are effortless fun (usually), whereas keeping things fun with a spouse requires thought, effort, and MDMA. You always say that a new dad has to be willing to go with little or no sex for a long time and can’t bring up non-monogamy. Does the same go for the mom if she’s the one who wants it more?  Women who’ve just given birth are usually less interested in (or capable of) sex for all the obvious reasons (physical trauma, physical exhaustion, emotional exhaustion), but studies have shown that men’s testosterone levels dip after becoming fathers, which can tank their libidos. Regardless of who wants it more, the best time for two people to discuss non-monogamy is BEFORE they’ve scrambled their DNA together, not after. If you didn’t have that conversation before becoming parents, you should wait a year—at least—before bringing it up. In college my boyfriend found out his girlfriend was cheating on him with a friend. He told his friend he didn’t care, since he was planning to break up with his girlfriend at the end of the semester, and they both kept fucking her. She didn’t know they both knew. What she did was wrong (cheating), but I think my boyfriend and his friend did something worse, as she didn’t know she was being “shared” like this. How do I get my boyfriend to understand? Sharing your boyfriend with one or more of your girlfriends is the only way he’ll ever truly understand how wrong this was. I’ve talked with my wife about exploring my bi-side and hooking up with other guys. She’s cool with it as long as I’m safe. I can’t quite seem to work up the courage to tell/ask her, “Hey, I’ve been chatting with this guy, is it cool if I ask him to go get drinks and fool around?’ The fact that you’re afraid to tell/ask the wife has me wondering just how cool your wife was with the idea. If she said something like, “I would be comfortable with you hooking up with another man hypothetically, I guess, so long as you were safe,” then you absolutely need to check-in with her. If she said something closer to, “OMG! That’s so hot! You absolutely have my okay to fool around with another guy—hell, lots of other guys—so long as you’re safe and make a video for me!”, then you aren’t obligated to check-in with her. But you should anyway. I’m in Philly and I want to know when men wear underwear/jockstraps, do they wear their dicks pointing up or down? Growers up, showers down. Trans woman who has been dating my enby partner for 4.5 years. We went to our first big family event since I came out, our first family gathering as a visibly queer couple. Not one relative asked when we were going to get married or have kids. First time ever. Are we finally free from that awful small talk now that we’re seen as a queer couple? The uncharitable read: When they assumed you were a cishet couple, your relatives wanted you to marry and have kids. Now that you’re out as a queer couple, your relatives don’t think you should marry or have kids. The charitable read: You’re a newly out trans woman—newly out to your relatives—and your relatives figure you’ve got a lot on your plate right now and have tabled invasive questions about your future plans for the time being. If it’s the former (they’re assholes), you’re free from that awful small talk forever. If it’s the latter (they’re considerate), that awful small talk will ramp back up in a year or two. How much time do you give a relative to change their behavior when you call them on their bullshit? If their bullshit puts you in danger, don’t give them any time. If their bullshit is merely annoying, give them a year. During that year, answer their questions patiently, keep calling them on their bullshit, and offer positive reinforcement when they don’t do their usual bullshit, e.g., when they use your friend’s correct pronouns, when they ask about your “boyfriend” and not your “friend,” etc. My partner and I enjoy porn together. One thing about it keeps pulling me out of the sexy vibe and into chat time. What do porn actors know about lube that the rest of us don’t? They look dry, dry, dry and I just don’t understand. Lube shooters, aka lube launchers, aka lube syringes, get the lube where it’s actually needed, i.e., way up inside the bottom, not all over his ass. I enjoy your columns so much, thank you! But what does TMFE mean? “Tell Me Fucking Everything.” Some people in open relationships don’t wanna hear about their partners’ outside sexual adventures; they usually opt for DADT (“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”) agreements. Other people in open relationships wanna hear absolutely everything about their partners’ outside sexual adventures; these couples opt for TMFE agreements. I am real Horny woman. Could you fuck My Pussy? I would not, could not, you’re a bot. I would not, could not, were you not. I do not fuck pussy here or there. I do not fuck pussy anywhere. Pussy’s great, just not for me. Bussy’s more my cup of tea. questions@savagelove.net Listen to Dan on the Savage Lovecast. Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage. Columns, podcasts, books, merch and more at savage.love.

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