America’s longest-running sex-advice column!


Joe Newton

1. My fiancé has a foot fetish, and he hates it. Can you tell him it’s harmless and immutable?

Harmless! Immutable! Also, we’re living in the golden age of foot-fetishist representation—from the conniving, murderous, unctuous Ser Larys Strong on HBO’s House of the Dragon (prestige television!) to the sweet, goofy, traumatized Jimmy on TLC’s MILF Manor (trash television!), guys with a thing for feet are suddenly all over our screens. And as kinks go, there are far… well, I don’t want to say worse fetishes. Let’s just say there are fetishes that are far harder to explain, far riskier to attempt, and that a vanilla partner is far less likely to happily indulge you in.

2. Would you contact an ex after a year to ask how they are?

Depends on the ex, depends on the breakup, and depends on where we left things. If the ex was a...

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...they are? Depends on the ex, depends on the breakup, and depends on where we left things. If the ex was a genuinely nice person that I liked, I might be inclined to reach out. If I experienced the breakup as amicable and I have every reason to believe my ex did too, I might be inclined to reach out. And if the last time we talked we both said we would be open to being friends in the future, I might be inclined to reach out. 3. Are you experienced with chastity? I have tried on a cock cage—once a philosopher—but the idea of having my cock locked up for an extended period of time doesn’t appeal to me. 4. Is sexting real sex or mutual masturbation? Is sex with an AI chatbot real sex or masturbation? The American Psychological Association defines “mutual masturbation” as a “sexual activity in which two individuals stimulate each other’s genitals at the same time for the purpose of sexual gratification.” (Emphasis added for, well, emphasis.) Since you can’t touch someone’s else junk via sext message, sexting wouldn’t count as mutual masturbation. It’s a shared erotic experience, and one many people in monogamous relationships would consider cheating, but it’s not a sex act. And while you can certainly stimulate your own genitals as you swap messages with an AI chatbot, that’s not fucking. That’s typing. 5. How do I get my libido back? I’ve lost it to SSRIs and boredom. Talk to your doctor about adjusting your meds—advocate for your own libido—and then talk to your partner about breaking out of your sexual rut(s). If you’re always having sex with the same person, in the same place, at the same time, and in the same way, try having sex with someone else, someplace else, at some other time, and in some other way. If you aren’t allowed to have sex with anyone else, then have sex someplace else, at some other time, and in some other way with your partner. And if the only person you’re allowed to have sex with (or want to have sex with) isn’t willing to give other places, times, and ways a try, well, breakups are never boring. 6. How does one find space for masturbation when living together with very little alone time? One takes long showers, one gets up early or goes to bed late, one seizes opportunities as they present themselves, e.g., partner has a doctor’s appointment, partner is out with friends, partner is locked in the storage unit in the basement. 7. Speaking of Muppet faces… who is your favorite actual Muppet? My ideal man has always been Janice from the Muppets no lipstick, less mascara, and a very big dick. 8. What can/should I wear to a fetish party if leather/latex aren’t my thing(s)? Check if the fetish party you’re planning to attend has a dress code. Some require a certain kind of fetish attire (usually leather and/or latex), but these days most fetish parties are open to any kind of fetish attire. You’ll see people at fetish parties in leather and latex, of course, but you’ll also see people in zentai suits, wrestling singlets, jockstraps, canvas straightjackets, fursuits or nothing at all. 9. What is the best way to meet bi cis women in LTRs with men who want to hookup? There are apps for that. 10. Shoes or boots? Wearing? Shoes. Licking? Boots. 11. I have two friends who hate each other. Neither knows I’m friends with the other. What do I do? Whatever you’ve been doing, I guess, seeing as you’ve managed to be friends with both without either finding out. Alternatively, you could tell them both and watch what happens. If one issues an ultimatum (you can’t be friends with both of us, you have to pick, etc.), you should definitely end your friendship—with the person who issued the ultimatum. If they both issue ultimatums, go make new and better friends. 12. How do I cope with feeling ostracized from my local kink community due to some unfair accusations? Get input from people who know you and may have observed your interactions at kink events and/or with your past partner(s), learn from your mistakes (if any), make amends (if possible), and get help (if necessary). And if you’re still not welcome in your local kink community… you’ll have to find or create a new one. 13. I’m feeling very weird about trans women exploring tampons with such wonder, a feeling that has taken me off guard. We got used to having a King of England who once explored—through fantasy and, for all we know, through roleplay—being his then-mistress’s tampon. How did we all manage do that? Well, we tried not to think about it; and when that failed (when certain prestige dramas reminded us), we tried to remember that it’s none of our business. You can get used to trans women exploring tampons the same way: try not to think about it and if you find yourself thinking about it despite your best efforts… remind yourself that it’s none of your business. 14. Can someone be bad at cuddling? Yes. 15. Is it possible to “turn” someone gay? No. 16. Is marriage worth it? Yes and no. 17. Gay tops and bottoms—nature or nurture? Some gay men really, really wanna bottom but can’t because bottoming—being the one getting fucked during anal intercourse—just doesn’t work for them; there’s just some physiological thing that prevents them from getting fucked. That’s nature. Some gay men don’t wanna bottom because it conflicts with their self-conception—the person they see themselves as—and some gay men don’t want to top for the same reason. That’s nurture. And some people are versatile, of course, and some—sides—aren’t interested in topping or bottoming, at least when it comes to anal sex.> 18. Dealing with ED—erectile dysfunction—and really don’t like taking Viagra. Any suggestions? If it’s the side effects that bother you… try another ED med, such as Cialis, or a lower dose of Viagra. If it’s the symbolism that bothers you… get over it. Also, try cockrings maybe. 19. Why would my boyfriend spend an amazing weekend filled with sex and affection with me, then make future plans, only to dump me over the phone a few days later without any real explanation, empathy, or care? I feel confused and abandoned. Your ex-boyfriend’s behavior wasn’t confusing. It was clarifying. Now you can clearly see what you missed before: your ex-boyfriend is an asshole. You don’t (or shouldn’t) want to be with an asshole, so he did you a favor—a painful favor, but still—by revealing himself to be an asshole and promptly exiting your life, which is the nicest thing an asshole can possibly do for you. 20. My boyfriend drinks 3-4 drinks per day. Is it my place to ask him to reduce consumption? It’s his body, after all. It’s his body, he can do what he likes with it, and he gets to make his own choices. But your body is your body. You can do what you like with your body, and you get to make your own choices. And if you and your body don’t wanna be with someone who drinks as much as your boyfriend does, you can choose to take your body and go. If your boyfriend and his body would like you and your body to stay, he can choose to drink less. 21. I’m a 40-year-old man and I’m about to be single again. How do I approach dating? With a sense of wonder and anticipation—also, a real appreciation for your luck, as your timing could not be better. You don’t mention your sexual orientation, but the world is suddenly full of men and women—some your own age, some significantly younger—who are all about dating, fucking, and possibly marrying daddies, e.g., hot men in their 40s and 50s. Make sure you’re in good working order, be respectful, and brush up on the campsite rule (always leave ‘em in better shape then you found ‘em), and have fun out there. 22. Is it wrong to watch incest scenarios in porn? I fear this is a trick question designed to make me say something that could be construed as positive about incest. So, for the record: as a person with siblings, parents, stepparents, aunts, uncles, etc., and a vivid and very visual imagination, blech blech blech. With that out of the way… If watching incest porn troubles you, ask yourself why you’re watching it. If incest scenarios are your kink, well, then you’re going to keep watching incest porn. But if you’re watching incest porn because it’s transgressive and taboo and it feels wrong, well, there’s lots of other transgressive, taboo, and wrong sexual scenarios portrayed in porn and erotica that you might enjoy just as much and feel a little less shitty about “consuming.” 23. Why do I have to feel ashamed in order to come? Because that’s what turns you on. But just like women who need vibrators in order to come shouldn’t feel ashamed, and men who need tit play in order to come shouldn’t feel ashamed, dirty little sex perverts like you who need to feel ashamed in order to come shouldn’t feel ashamed either… despite being the kind of dirty little sex pervert who gets off on feeling ashamed, you dirty little sex pervert. Send your question right here on Savage.Love. mailbox@savage.love

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