My boyfriend of six months wants to try pegging and I’m down. But he wants “the whole experience,” which means sucking the dildo too. That raises a red flag for me. I know how this sounds before I even ask, so please forgive me if this question is insensitive. But does his desire to suck on the dildo indicate gay or bi tendencies? He says he’s not attracted to men, but he will sometimes make remarks about a “good looking guy” he saw. He also told me he had a threesome in his early 20s with a married couple and that the husband sucked him off. He says he hasn’t done anything like that since — and he’s had tons of sex and done a lot of freaky stuff. Is this a kink? Would this leave him wanting the real thing? He wants to get married and all that. Should I...
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...ried and all that. Should I be concerned?
Wondering About Sexual Proclivities
I’m gonna crawl out on a limb here and assume your boyfriend has demonstrated — to your satisfaction — that he enjoys straight sex. Or opposite-sex sex, I should say, since not everyone who has “straight” sex is straight. Bisexuals have “straight” sex all the time; sometimes even gays and lesbians have “straight” sex, and not always under the duress of the closet. Just as some straights are heteroflexible, some gays and lesbians are homoflexible.
Anyway, I’m gonna assume your boyfriend has demonstrated — again, to your satisfaction — that he enjoys having opposite-sex sex with you, WASP. He likes to kiss you, he likes your tits, he eats your pussy, and he fucks you senseless. And I feel confident in making this assumption because if he was only going through the motions when he was having sex with you, if the “straight” sex you were having together was bad or infrequent or both, you surely would’ve mentioned that fact.
So, since the sex you’re having with your newish boyfriend is good and frequent (and trending freaky), WASP, we can safely strike “gay” from your very short list of concerns. And while some would regard the distinction you’re attempting to make between your boyfriend wanting you to fuck his ass and your boyfriend wanting you to fuck his face as meaningless — most will regard him wanting to have his ass fucked as just as gay or even gayer than him wanting to have his face fucked — there is a difference. A guy can wanna have his ass fucked for the pure physical pleasure of being penetrated, e.g., the stimulation of all those nerve endings, the amazing feeling of being opened up, the pounding of his prostate gland, and the dildo is simply a means to those ends. But sucking on a strap-on dildo… that’s more of a psychological thrill. You won’t feel anything, and your boyfriend doesn’t have a prostate gland on his soft palate.
But even if he’s getting off on the idea of sucking dick… that’s not proof he’s gay or bi. Some women have dicks, as we’ve learned over the last two decades and change, and your boyfriend could be fantasizing about sucking a woman’s dick and there’s nothing gay or bi about a cis man sucking a trans woman’s dick. (Right? Right.) Or your boyfriend could be into the idea of forced bi. Or your boyfriend could be turned on by the transgression against what straight sex is supposed/assumed to be, e.g., males penetrate, females are penetrated; the idea of sucking his girlfriend’s silicone dick during crazy-topsy-turvy straight sex turns him on, but the idea of sucking a cis man’s flesh-and-blood cock during normal gay sex does nothing for him. (Or same-sex sex, I should say, since not everyone who has “gay” sex is gay and blah blah blah.)
Zooming out for a second…
At the start of a new relationship people will sometimes hint at their non-normative sexual interests, or desires. A guy might share a little about his past — like having had a threesome with a married couple and getting sucked off by the dude — because he wants to assess his new partner’s reaction before sharing the rest. A guy into bondage might tell a new partner he once “let someone” tie him up when he actually begged that person to tie him up; a woman into spanking might tell a new partner about some spanking porn clip that somehow popped up in her Twitter feed when she actually went looking for it. Your boyfriend could be bisexual, WASP, and told you some married guy sucked his dick when actually he went looking for a guy — married or not — to suck his dick.
So, let’s game out your worst case scenario: Your boyfriend is bisexual. Would that really be so bad, WASP? If you’re going to obsess about the downsides of marrying a bisexual guy — he’s going to want to fuck a guy once in a while — you should at least pause to consider the upsides. For instance, you won’t have to be on the receiving end of penetration every time you say yes to sex, WASP, because you’ll get to do the penetrating every once in a while. And the occasional MMF threesome… well, that seems like the best-case scenario to me, WASP, but I’m a little like your boyfriend: here for the freaky stuff.
I’m a 38-year-old mother of two youngish kids in a 10-year hetero relationship that I am destroying. I cheated with a girl at my job at the end of last year and now I have feelings for her. I’ve ended the affair several times, but each time we start back up again. I’ve always known that I’m bisexual but never really explored that side of myself. I don’t know if I never explored this side of myself out of fear, internalized homophobia, or that the right girl never presented herself. Now I need to choose. Do I stay with my long-term partner, a man I love dearly, and tamp down this side of myself? Or do I break up with him and explore my sexuality? If we didn’t have kids, I would choose the latter. We have talked about opening up the relationship but he is way too hurt for that to be an option anymore. I know I majorly fucked up. I betrayed his trust and snuck around with this girl. Am I just a horrible person who needs to get her shit together and somehow patch things up with my partner? Or is exploring my sexuality something that I should prioritize over stability and long-term love?
Confused As Fuck
If you were childless — or childfree — you would leave. But you aren’t childfree, CAF, and you owe it to your kids to at least try to make things work with your long-term partner.
That said, CAF, you aren’t obligated to stay in a relationship you can’t make work. If your actions have irrevocably destroyed your partner’s ability to trust you, and if you can’t come to some sort of accommodation moving forward that allows you to be the person you are (an accommodation that could take many different forms), ending it may ultimately be in the best interests of your kids. Because a bitter, loveless, high-conflict relationship will not only make you and your partner miserable, but it will also make your kids miserable.
If your relationship never recovers from the blows you’ve inflicted on it — if you can’t get past this — then you’ll have to end it. But at this point you simply don’t know whether or how this relationship can be salvaged. So, give it a chance, do the work, and see where you are in a year. If leaving was ultimately the right thing to do, it’ll still be the right thing to do a year from now. If leaving was the wrong thing to do, you won’t be able to undo it a year from now.
P.S. Bisexual People? Please get out there and suck some dick and/or eat some pussy before you make a monogamous commitment to an opposite-sex partner — or a same-sex partner, for that matter, although I get fewer letters from bisexuals in same-sex relationships who’ve recently “explored” their bisexuality (with disastrous consequences) or begged their same-sex partners for permission to “explore” their bisexuality (and been threatened with disastrous consequences). Yeah, yeah: bisexual people can honor monogamous commitments. But as you may have noticed — as anyone who’s been paying attention should have noticed by now — monogamy isn’t easy for anyone. And while it’s considered bi-phobic to suggest that monogamy might be a little bit harder for bisexual people, most of the people making that argument to me are bisexuals who made monogamous commitments before fully exploring their sexualities. LGBTQ people never tire of pointing out how a particular thing might be harder for gay men and a different particular thing might be harder for lesbians and another particular thing might be a whole lot harder for trans people and a long list of other things might a bazillion times harder for asexuals, demisexuals, sapiosexuals, omnisexuals, etc., etc., etc. And yet it’s somehow taboo to suggest that monogamy — which, again, is pretty damn hard for everyone — might be just a tiny bit harder for bisexuals.
I’m a bisexual woman who once had an affair with a married man. (Let’s call him “AP.”) The affair ended a decade ago. I was in an abusive marriage at the time and AP showed me what a loving, caring relationship was like. He was, and still is, happily married except for sexual dissatisfaction. His wife has an extremely low sex drive and is a prude. (She calls sex “icky.”) AP, on the other hand, has a high libido and is very adventurous. He loves anal, threesomes, etc., and has had experiences with men when he was younger. He loves his wife and kids, and I love him, so when we were discovered, I removed myself from the situation. I left the abuser, did a LOT of work on myself, and found an awesome, open-minded, sexy bisexual new husband. Would I be an asshole if I sent an indecent proposal to AP and his wife? Everything out in the open this time. A one-time invitation to meet in a neutral place where the four of us could get to know each other. And then, if everyone is comfortable, we can have some naughty adult play time that would include all the stuff she doesn’t enjoy (anal, same-sex play, oral, etc.). Is this a shitty thing to do? I’ve come to a point that I realize a healthy relationship is based on far more than monogamy, and if my husband really wanted to engage in something I had no interest in, I’d give him my blessing. But that’s me. I hate the idea of AP living out the rest of his life unfulfilled. My husband is fully on board.
P.S. For what it’s worth, AP bears some resemblance to a Muppet!
Do not do this.
P.S. A woman who doesn’t wanna do anal, oral, or same-sex play is highly unlikely to wanna watch her husband do any of those things in front of her — particularly with a former affair partner.
P.S. Muppet-faced men are the best-faced men!
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