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Coming Around

Joe Newton

I’m a straight cis woman who could never orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. But suddenly I am able to come just from vaginal penetration now that I’m reached middle-aged! This was never the case for me before — I could never come from PIV all by itself — and I’ve never heard another cis woman talk about suddenly being able to come during PIV after hitting her late 30s. Is this common?

Suddenly Having Intensely Felt Tremors

“We too often think about orgasms as stable or unchanging,” said Dr. Debby Herbenick, a professor at the Indiana University of Public Health, a prolific and widely published-and-cited sex researcher, pundit, and author, and director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion. “In fact, orgasms sometimes shift over time or in response to certain life stages or body experiences — experiences such as pregnancy, the postpartum period, or menopause.”


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...pregnancy, the postpartum period, or menopause.” While Dr. Herbenick couldn’t say for sure why you’re so suddenly able to come from just PIV alone — something most women can’t do — she did share some possible explanations. “First, it may just be learning over time, especially if SHIFT has a new partner, is exploring in new ways with a long-term partner, or is paying attention to vaginal sensation in ways SHIFT perhaps didn’t before,” said Dr. Herbenick. “Or maybe SHIFT’s just open to the experience now in ways she wasn’t earlier.” Basically, SHIFT, if you ran out of fucks to give — something most women eventually do — and consequently became more vocal and assertive about your pleasure and the positions, speeds, depths of penetration, etc., that work best for you, you could be experiencing PIV very differently now. “Another option is anatomical change,” said Dr. Herbenick. “While the changes are slow-moving, cisgender women do experience anatomical shifts — the angle of vagina in the body can change over time. I’ve always found this fascinating, and this may be contributing to how intercourse feels for SHIFT. Because along with changes in vaginal angle come changes in how the vagina and cervix may be stimulated during intercourse.” If the angle of your vagina has shifted even slightly, SHIFT, the angle or angles of penetration that work best for you now — new angles that hit you just right — could be stimulating your clit, internally or externally or both, in ways PIV didn’t use to. “Another possibility could be shifts related to hormones and the brain,” said Dr. Herbenick. “If SHIFT is around perimenopause or menopause, no doubt she’s noticed a range of ways that hormonal changes are affecting ways that her body feels. Orgasm is not just about the clitoris or vagina; these are stimulating points but they’re only one part of what contributes to orgasm. How we sense and perceive those sensations are influenced by our brain, which is also influenced by hormones.” Finally, SHIFT, assuming you can still come from oral, manual, and vibrational stimulation, I think we can safely file your question — suddenly being able to come from another kind of stimulation — in the “good problem to have” drawer. Enjoy! Follow Dr. Herbenick on Twitter @DebbyHerbenick and on Instagram @DrDebbyHerbenick. I began getting massages to help with my back pain and discovered how utterly relaxing they are. But I also get a sexual charge from them. I’m a gay male, and every time I go, I’m hard from the moment the massage therapist touches me until the moment it ends. One masseur took this as a green light and gave me a happy ending, which I didn’t ask for or expect. I’m worried that by getting hard I may be making some massage therapists uncomfortable. Is that a possibility? Or are massage therapists used to that type of response? I’ve tried jerking off beforehand, but still got hard during my session. I even got a massage from an older woman once and somehow still got hard! I leave these sessions and feel guilty, which sort of negates some of the calming aspects of a massage. Am I a terrible person? Should I stop getting massages? Should I warn them? Bothered Over Needlessly Erect Dick Erections happen for non-sexual reasons — spontaneous erections, reflexive erections, nocturnal erections — and most professional massage therapists know to ignore them. So, while you may be getting a sexual charge during your massage (or you may be assuming you’re getting a sexual charge when you’re actually having a reflexive erection), your massage therapist is going to give you (and your boner) the benefit of the doubt and assume you’re not intentionally doing something to make them uncomfortable. The one therapist who took your erection as a “green light” to give you a handjob took a wild guess, BONED, and seems to have guessed correctly — I mean, you don’t seem traumatized by the experience. But if that massage therapist had guessed incorrectly, he could’ve lost his job or worse. So, you are not a terrible person, and you may keep getting massages. And since the only thing more awkward than a client getting an erection during a massage — at least according to a massage therapist pal of mine — would be a client saying something like, “I just wanted to let you know that I sometimes get an erection during a massage,” no advance warnings. While trying to fall asleep the other night, insomnia struck again, and I decided to use the masturbation trick to knock myself out. I must have struck a creative nerve because a question popped into my head: Could I penetrate myself with my own penis? I’m a straight male and I’ve never received anal but the thought of giving has always aroused me. Could I give it to myself? Since fully erect obviously wouldn’t work, I relaxed, lubed up, and only massaged myself to a state of semi-engorgement. And I was able to do it! And then, after applying a little pressure to the base of my cock, I was able to create an in-and-out piston-like action that made me come right away! In my own ass! Does that have a name? Could I hurt myself if I do it a lot? Despite being a straight male, I’m not at all bothered by what I did — if anything, I’m bothered it took me 30 years to figure this out. Did I miss the boat by not watching any gay porn? Please enlighten me! Gone And Fucked Myself Last week a hateful rightwing troll told me to go fuck myself — again, not something I need to do for myself, as I have people for that — and this week a straight reader of mine goes and fucks himself. Coincidence? Or did reading my column last week, which I assume GAFM did, plant a seed in him? Anyway, GAFM, hung dudes who can fuck themselves — guys who can twist their own hard cocks around far enough to slip them into their own asses and then rock back and forth on their taints until they come in themselves — were the crazy new thing in gay porn for 10 minutes 20 years ago. And while I’m sure there are still plenty of porn performers out there fucking their own asses and uploading videos to PornHub and OnlyFans, it’s not the crazy new thing anymore, and doesn’t get the attention (or the clicks) it once did. It’s still fucking crazy, though — crazy to do (requiring a degree of flexibility at the root of the cock that not all men possess), and crazy to think about (some people really can go fuck themselves). And since I’ve haven’t heard from or about someone who accidentally snapped his dick off trying to fuck his ass, GAFM, I’m gonna assume this is relatively safe — just take it slow, be sober, and use a lot of lube. I’m a woman in my late 40s, married 20 years. My husband is in his late 50s. My sex drive was low for a while but now is quite high. I’m not sure exactly what accounts for the change, but some marriage counseling improved communication, which no doubt helped, and I got into porn and vibrators, which increased my pleasure and therefore my interest. Now, I like to have sex or masturbate once a day. I’m going to reach menopause in a few years, which could make things more difficult, so I’m anxious to enjoy as much as I can now. However, this has caused some friction between me and my husband. He just doesn’t want sex as often as I do, and he doesn’t want me masturbating as often as I’d like to. He claims the noise from the vibrator is distracting. I’ve tried to be flexible, but he needs more sleep than I do, so sex and masturbation are off the table between at 9 PM and 6 AM, which are both good times for me — right before sleep, right after waking up — which leaves during the day, while our children are at school, but he’s not always interested during the day. But if I masturbate before I head to work, he says the noise disturbs him. (He works from home.) I think he’s being selfish. Most of the time when I approach him for sex — or mutual masturbation, which I also enjoy — he has trouble maintaining an erection. He says he doesn’t want to “deal with a doctor” about getting a medication that might help. I say if he doesn’t want to deal with doctors, let me use my toys! But he insists the noise disturbs him while he’s working. How do we remedy this situation? Am I the unreasonable one here or is he being unreasonable? Buzzing Sounds You’re up for fucking and/or messing around all the time lately, your husband’s not up for fucking and/or messing around much at all lately, and you’re happy to take care of yourself routinely — which is an entirely reasonable solution, BS, and your husband should invest in a pair of noise-cancelling headphones and/or get out the 10 long minutes it takes for you to get yourself off in the morning. I will take your husband’s side on the nighttime masturbation blackout — no vibrator use in your shared bed between 9 PM and 6 AM — as it can be difficult to get to sleep when someone is using a vibrator beside you. But you should be free to take your vibrator to the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, the car, or the roof when you wanna vibe one out at 10 PM… and if you’re not free to do that, well, there are worse problems in your marriage than your current sexual disconnect. Finally, you don’t have to “deal with a doctor” to get E.D. meds anymore, as E.D. meds can be prescribed and ordered online. But there has to be an interest… and it doesn’t sound like your husband is interested, at least not right now. It’s possible your husband feels sexually inadequate and worries he’s disappointing you, and the sound of your vibrator makes it harder to ignore those feelings — which might be something to talk about with a couples counselor. Send your question right here on Savage.Love. mailbox@savage.love

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