Sorry there was no Struggle Session last week. A deadly combo of jet lag, pain meds, and dodging Succession spoilers left me in no condition to operate the machinery around here. But a week later — with 50% less jet lag, 25% more shoulder pain, and being all caught up on Succession now — I’m sitting upright in front of my computer and raring to go.
Readers had a lot to say about SIS, the man whose sister-in-law offered to fuck him — with the permission of his wife/her sister, according to the sister-in-law. Says Curious:
CIS, as soon as you heard that from your sister-in-law, you should’ve sought confirmation from your wife before saying another word. So consider yourself fortunate that they want to move on. While in paragraph one you said you have fears about having a GF, in paragraph two you say you want intimacy. Give your wife some time (a couple months?) to recover from your...
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...e on. While in paragraph one you said you have fears about having a GF, in paragraph two you say you want intimacy. Give your wife some time (a couple months?) to recover from your fuckup, then re-open the discussion with your wife to ask for an open relationship. In the meantime read some books about ethical non-monogamy. (It calls for good communication skills, which you have not exactly demonstrated.) You will learn in those books that negotiating limits is to be expected. For example your wife’s siblings being off limits.
I don’t think you can blame this all on SIS. His sister-in-law instigated this — she jokingly asked her sister for permission to fuck SIS, she brought it up with SIS, she swapped dirty texts with SIS — and it was SIS who thought to pump the breaks and check with the wife before proceeding. Calling his wife was his idea, not his sister-in-law’s suggestion. So, yeah. I don’t think it’s fair to blame this all on SIS. And while it’s nice that his sister-in-law wants to “move on” and all, I think she needs to apologize to SIS first.
And his wife needs to take some responsibility for this mess — first, for not making it clear to her sister that, no, she wasn’t okay with her fucking her husband when her sister joked about it. Yeah, yeah: SIS fucked up. But if I had stopped fucking my husband two decades ago and MOVED TO ANOTHER COUNTRY four years ago — and come out to him as maaaaaaaybe a lesbian very early in our marriage — I wouldn’t be surprised to learn he was tempted to seize the first offer that came his way, however inappropriate that offer might be. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn he’d been fucking our kitchen appliances and one or two my siblings in my absence.
A lesson from decades of reading Savage Love: when talking about sex, no one is ever joking.
Sister 1: “OMG wouldn’t it be hilarious if I had sex with your husband hahahahaha!”
Sister 2: “OMG hahaha that would be hilarious you should totally do it hahaha jk!”
I would add, after decades of writing Savage Love, that when talking about sex… people who bring a certain sex thing up while putting people who do that certain sex thing down… secretly want to do that sex thing. (“Some people like to get peed on. Can you believe it? They’re so gross. I mean, ick… right?”) The problem with this negative framing, of course, is mirroring. (“One person subconsciously imitating the gesture, speech pattern, or attitude of another.”) This can lead to two people who are both into piss having a long conversation with each other about how gross piss play is and how they would never do it themselves and ick… right?
There was a lively debate on my Facebook page about the single dad who called into the show because he thinking of creating an OnlyFans account — thinking of doing porn — to make a little extra money. Says Satchmo:
Too risky. The boy’s mother might not say anything but there are others who could make something of it. I can see someone making a CPS report which can land you in a real mess that would potentially be costly and time consuming. I can see other parents at school, or at activities (kids sports orgs, clubs, etc.) making it the subject of unwelcome and salacious gossip. For what you might make, there’s just very limited up-side here.
Says Amon Jones:
There are lots of porn stars that have kids and the kids have no problem with it. It’s your friends and family that will have the problem.
Ask yourself these questions: If your son or daughter ever saw your “work” or came upon knowledge of it through friends…how would it make you feel? Would you be willing and ready to have an honest open conversation about it with them? Would you be willing to put their mental welfare at risk for any kind of harassment that they might receive?
And says Rob:
I am a 45 year old not-father. Tell me more about this need for “Daddy porn.” I like money.
Andrew has a suggestion for a frustrated trans caller…
For the caller who wondered why searching porn sites for “boy pussy” returns results of cis gay men instead of trans men, doesn’t it make more sense, if you want to see transmen in porn, to search for “transmen”?
Two minutes after I hit send on last week’s Quickies column — a column which ethical non-monogamy came up — this popped into my Twitter timeline:
“ethical non monogamy” is some pandering bullshit. stop letting heterosexual monogamous structures be the default ethic, cause they aren’t
— Sophia Reed (@allorgansnobody) March 24, 2023
For another critique of ENM, check out this Twitter thread by Dr. Wednesday Martin.
Delta35 had some advice for the jacked, college-aged, straight sub (#21 in last week’s Quickies) who was afraid of talking to girls for two reasons: He didn’t want to be seen as a harrasshole and he didn’t know how to bring up his kinks.
[He should try] Fetlife, and maybe some of the more progressive apps that let you include this up front. In a bigger city, BDSM munches, although they may skew older. In NYC, New Society for Wellness and Hacienda both skew younger. They are queer-friendly but mostly straight, kink-friendly, membership-only clubs where I’m sure you’ll find your Mistress.
The LW is a student in a midwestern college town — a detail I cut for space — and while he should definitely move to a big city with fetish parties and munches when he graduates, he wants to meet women right now — and he’s too nervous to approach them and he’s not sure how to bring up his kinks. Again, moving to New York is a good idea, but confiding in the guys who regularly hit on him and asking them to act as his wingmen is be a better near-term solution. He may wind up being gossiped about — he’ll definitely wind up being gossiped about — but the farther the word spreads, the greater the odds of word spreading all the way to his dream girl.
Regarding my conversation with Zoe Strimpel on Sex & Politics…
If you want to suck some cock in Tel Aviv, go ahead. Just pay your own way instead of accepting a junket from the state of Israel that would like to use your visit for propaganda.
— Deuteronomy 15 NIV (@Cliffhuckers) April 6, 2023
I literally just turned down a junket to Israel — another one — so, if I ever do get to suck cock in Tel Aviv, it’ll be on my own dime. Also, lots of pushback in comments from listeners about that interview, and lots for me to think about. I disagree with Zoe about the dangers of the Israeli right, and said that I think Israel is creating an apartheid state. But I wanted to hear her out — still, I could’ve and should’ve pushed back harder.
Vennominon and BiDanFan called me out for leaving bisexual guys in my response to #6 in this week’s Quickies column. So, allow me to correct the record: It was wrong of me to assume the LW was a gay man just because he found public sex environments enticing, as many of the guys kneeling behind glory holes and lurking in bathhouses are bisexual. I’m usually careful to say “gay and bi men” when discussing questions, issues, and concerns that touch on men who have sex with men; please see everything I wrote and/or said during the monkeypox outbreak.
So, let me say this to my bi male readers: You’re at the bathhouses, you’re kneeling on the other side of those glory holes, you’re in the bushes at night in the park near my house taking anon loads. I see you, you’re valid, and you’re just as slutty as any gay man.
Krinreads has a suggestion for a Savage Lovecast caller who wanted to help a friend who identified as asexual…
I strongly recommend that caller follow Cody Daigle-Orians, the creator of “Ace Dad Advice” on Instagram or TikTok. They are an asexuality educator and their approach is so gentle, kind and accessible. While I am allosexual, I’ve felt so empowered by the way they educate — especially the way they talk about labels as tools that should work for you. Dan, I think Cody would make a great guest on the podcast!
Following Cody now, and I will reach out to Cody and invite them to come the Lovecast — thanks for the rec, Krinreads!
KiKi has a question:
Can someone please explain what Dan was referring to in the intro about a “diaper discourse”? I couldn’t find anything in the news and I’m extremely curious.
The diaper story is here. The diaper discourse can be found here, here, here, and everywhere. This is all I want to add to the diaper discourse: I’m all for letting your freak flag fly — letting your freak flag fly is great — but some people are going to think you’re a freak. And that’s okay. Also, transgression is what makes a kink hot. So, while people should have a general understanding of kink — lots of people have kinks, so long as people enjoy their kinks with other consenting adults there’s no harm or shame in kink — doesn’t pleading for understanding and fighting the stigma and shame attached to your particular kink undermine the very thing that makes your kink hot in the first place? If you’re into diapers and you fight the shame… don’t you risk ruining diapers for everyone else?