If you’re on good terms with your ex and seeing your ex naked (looking at old pictures, swapping new ones, having breakup/FWB sex) doesn’t keep emotional wounds incurred during the relationship open and bleeding (making it harder for you and/or your ex to heal and move on) and seeing your ex naked doesn’t bother your current — if you have a current — then seeing your ex naked can be great.
2. I have genital herpes, but I’m asymptotic. Panic or NBD?
Herpes is not a big deal for most people with herpes — most people with HSV1 or HSV2 are likewise asymptotic — so, don’t panic. I’ve done a few of episodes of the Lovecast on herpes with Dr. Ina Park, a professor at the University of California San Francisco School of Medicine...
Want to read the rest? Subscribe now to get every question, every week, the complete Savage Love archives, special events, and much more!
...ast on herpes with Dr. Ina Park, a professor at the University of California San Francisco School of Medicine and Medical Consultant at the Centers for Disease Control Division of STD Prevention. Dr. Park discussed the stigma vs. the reality, disclosure vs. non-disclosure, treatment options, and more. You can find those episodes here.
3. Does performing kegels with a cock or dildo in a male’s anus strengthen the sphincter?
In all honesty, I don’t know — but that’s never stopped me from telling a guy I’m fucking as I’m fucking him that there’s never been a better time for him to start doing his kegels than right now.
4. Do you prefer boxers, briefs, or boxer briefs on men?
I’m an ABT guy myself — anything but thongs.
5. How does one deal with emotional discomfort during sex?
Well, it depends.
Before I go any further, a lot of “sexperts” will tell you to stop at the first sign of emotional discomfort… but unlike a lot of “sexperts,” I’ve actually had sex. And this may come as a surprise to some of my readers… I actually have some sexual hang-ups. (Places I don’t like to be touched, things I don’t like to do, words I don’t like to be called, etc.). And if I called off sex whenever I experienced mild-to-middling emotional discomfort, I would’ve missed out on a lot of sex (and a few relationships) that turned out to be pretty good or even great. So, instead of ending things at the first sign of mild emotional discomfort, try saying things instead — try communicating in the moment —and if the person you’re with quickly corrects course and your discomfort passes, you’ll most likely be glad you didn’t call it off. If your emotional distress is severe, obviously call off the sex.
6. I’m a cis gay man that really enjoys his sex toys, however when I try to bottom for other men, I find that experience super itchy and uncomfortable. This doesn’t happen when I use toys and I have no idea why. Is this some kind of anal vaginismus?
“Itching can be due to an allergic reaction, an STI, or lack of lubrication,” said Dr. Carlton Thomas, a gastroenterologist and gay health expert. “Sometimes the hair on genitals can create an itchy sensation depending on its length. In this case, I wonder if our person is using condoms and might be allergic to the latex.”
Follow Dr. Thomas on Instagram and TikTok @doctorcarlton.
7. I’m a straight woman who’s in love with a gay man who is also my cousin, but he was adopted so we aren’t genetically related. He’s the most amazing human being I’ve ever met. I don’t think it’s reciprocated but he is very sweet to me. I constantly fantasize about him passionately kissing me. Is this something people live with?
The fact that this guy is your cousin isn’t the biggest hurdle you face — his homosexuality is a much bigger obstacle — and other than waiting for it to pass, there’s really nothing you can do about this unrequited crush. There are no magic words that will turn your cousin straight or turn him into… not your cousin. An unrequited and/or unrequitable crush is a kind of madness, but one most people recover from in time.
8. All of the Andrew Tate, alpha male, and incel content online has turned my attraction to men into a revulsion. I am literally attracted to no one, and I hate it. What should I do here?
You should stop looking at Andrew Tate, alpha male, and incel content.
9. I’m a straight man but wannabe fag. I want to be forcibly feminized and fucked by dominant gay alpha males. But I need to be forced because I am too weak to really do it. How can this happen to me if I can’t ask for it? Asking for it would ruin it.
Gay men do a lot of crazy things… but gay men don’t kick down doors and forcibly feminize and anally rape straight men we find cowering behind them. To find a gay guy who wants to do that to you — and there are gay men who would be into it — you’re gonna have to ask for it. Then, once you find a dominant alpha gay guy who wants to top you the way you wanna be topped, you’ll have to do what everyone else with elaborate sexual fantasies involving force and submission has to do: suspend your disbelief and pretend the panties and ass fucking wasn’t your idea all along.
10. Lesbian/all-women sex parties. Are they a thing?
They are — but they’re a less common thing than gay/all-men sex parties. People like to debate why gay sex parties are ubiquitous and lesbian sex parties are few and far between (socialization, slut shaming, sex differences, testosterone, etc.), but debates don’t make lesbian sex parties happen. People with the ovaries to throw them do.
11. How do men identify who are only into men/cock sexually? No attraction on the street.
Some identify as bi, some as pan, some as omni, some as heteroflexible, some as straight, and a tiny handful identify as phallophiles — that is, people who are attracted to penises but not necessarily the men penises almost always (but not always) come attached to.
12. Lots of “bi” guys I’ve met will suck cock but don’t want to kiss men. What’s up with that?
Congrats, you’ve encountered the not-at-all elusive bi-identified phallophile in the wild. No need to put “bi” in scare quotes; a phallophilic bisexual is perfectly valid bisexual, and you got your dick sucked, didn’t you?
13. After hooking up with a rando, isn’t it polite to say thank you and you were great after?
Just as it’s polite to say, “Everything was great, thanks,” when the waiter comes to take your plate after you’ve finished, it’s polite to say, “That was great, thanks,” after finishing up with a rando. Some people worry that being polite might give a rando the wrong idea — that they’re interested in seeing the rando again — and others are so overwhelmed by shame after casual/anonymous/rando sex that they can’t be polite. People who can’t be polite to randos (and grateful for randos), or have to take their self-loathing out on randos, should stay home and masturbate instead.
14. One snorer and one light sleeper, long-term relationship. How do we share a bed?
You don’t — separate bedrooms, if you can afford it, a pull-down bed or pull-out couch in the living room, if you can’t.
15. How do I get my male partner to be comfortable pulling out? I’d love to get rid of condoms.
You send him to Planned Parenthood’s information page on the pull-out method (effective for preventing pregnancy when done correctly), you show him the box of Plan B emergency contraception you already have in your medicine cabinet in case he doesn’t pull out in time, you assure him that you will get an abortion if you wind up getting pregnant, and you move to a blue state if you aren’t already living in one so you can get an abortion if you wind up getting pregnant.
16. Is there any empirical evidence that there are more “tops” or “bottoms” among gay men?
Tons of evidence, but it’s all anecdotal — and seeing as the U.S. Census only started asking about cohabitating same-sex couples in 2020 (with no other questions touching on sexual orientation or gender identity), it’s going to be a long time before they add “top, bottom, or vers?” to the U.S. Census.
17. My semen has gotten very thick. I’m 39. Can I thin it out somehow? I think I’m hydrated.
You can dilute it by mixing it with another man’s semen… but that’s probably not the answer you wanted.
18. An everyday object that can be repurposed for some sexy fun time (wooden spoon = spanking paddle) is called a “pervertable.” But what do you call an item intended to be used during sex that can be used for non-sexy things? I have a nubby “sensation dildo” that is entirely too pokey for me but it’s fabulous for docking pizza dough or pie crusts. (Docking here means “poking lots of tiny holes to prevent giant bubbles.”) Any suggestions?
A sex toy used for a non-sexual purpose could be called an “ex-toy” (when permanently reassigned for non-sexy use) or a “flex-toy” (when temporarily used for non-sexy purposes). A pervertable that gets returned to everyday use — say, a wooden spoon that gets returned to a drawer in the kitchen after being used as a spanking paddle — could be called a “revertible.”
Send your question right here on Savage.Love.
Comments on Quickies
Write to Dan!
Got a relationship problem? A burning sex question? A burning… sensation?
Dan’s been giving advice and been tapping the best sex researchers, educators, and scientists for more than three decades!