I’m a 41-year-old cis female and have experienced a significant amount of physical and emotional abuse in my relationships. I recently started dating again and met a really great guy who told me that he was interested in having a Dom/sub relationship. I thought that would be it and told him so — given my experiences, I wasn’t interested in being his sub — but it turns out he wants me to be his Dom. The thought of being the one in control kind of fascinates me and it feels very sexy to think about. But I am so used to worrying about the very scary and very real repercussions of even having an opinion after everything I have experienced in the past that I’m finding it difficult to navigate this. His interests aren’t in the whips-and-chains wheelhouse; it’s more like wanting to please someone who is demanding and...
Want to read the rest? Subscribe now to get every question, every week, the complete Savage Love archives, special events, and much more!
...ng to please someone who is demanding and bossy. Do you have any tips, suggestions, or resources you would recommend for me to learn more and be the best Dom Goddess I can possibly be?
Woman Having Extreme Excitement
“Take it slow,” said Midori. “That’s always my first piece of advice: Take it slow. Then take small steps while remembering to center yourself and your joy first.”
An author, artist, educator, and public speaker on sexuality and kink for three decades, Midori created the ForteFemme Women’s Dominance Intensive (www.fortefemme.com) to help women explore domination — to help women explore being sexually dominant — thoughtfully and authentically.
“Everyone talks about new relationship energy, and NRE is real,” said Midori, “but new relationship dynamic energy — NRDE — is just as real. NRDE feels just like NRE in important ways. In both cases, enthusiasm can get the better of us. We find ourselves wanting to do-all-the-things-all-at-once. In our excitement we can bite off more than we can chew, and then wind up feeling queasy and upset after. Right now WHEE should allow the sweet spiciness of all the new and exciting things she’s thinking about to continue to percolate while building confidence in herself.”
Once you’re ready to get started — once you’re ready to experiment — take small steps.
“There’s a giant difference between Dominance and submissive play scenes and D/s relationships, even if the names imply they’re the same thing,” said Midori. “I always refer to the latter as Consented Hierarchical Opted-In Relationships, or CHOIR for short — I know, too cute by half — but it’s helpful to make this distinction between saying yes to a small scene and entering into a D/s relationship.”
Even if you ultimately want a D/s relationship, you should start with something simple.
“Play is about your fun for tonight,” said Midori, “CHOIR is about structures of decision-making that can encompass ordinary daily life stuff as well as play time. It’s common for folks to mix these up, which can lead to unnecessary pressure, confusion about boundaries, expectation conflict, and other decidedly un-fun feelings. This confusion is so common that I have an online class called “So You Want D/s? Now What?” to help people figure out which is which and how to enjoy them both.”
And your first small step — that first playful scene — doesn’t have to look like BDSM porn. You don’t need gear, outfits, or a dedicated play space.
“WHEE should experiment with adding a power dynamic to her already existing sex life,” said Midori. “It’s an exercise I call ‘Will You’ to ‘You Will.’ Take all the hot vanilla sex stuff you’re already enjoying — the things you’re probably already asking for — and turn the ask into a directive. ‘Will you kiss me?’ becomes ‘You will kiss me.’ ‘Will you lick me?’ becomes ‘You will lick me.’ ‘Do you want to fuck me?’ becomes ‘We are going to fuck.’”
It’s about what you want.
“Think about what would please you,” said Midori. “That’s what centering yourself and your joy is about. Many of us have been conditioned, in the course of our daily lives, to think of others first and not check in on our own wants. A consensual, collaborative D/s play scene can be a lovely way to break down these self-erasing, destabilizing habits. But to do that — to go there — you have to honestly ask yourself, ‘What would please me right now?’ It might not be something thought of as kinky or sexual. Do you want your hair brushed? You can tell him to brush your hair. Do you want a story read to you? You can tell him to read to you. Do you want dinner cooked and served with him dressed or undressed in a pleasing manner? And then for him to do the dishes? As Westley says to Buttercup, ‘As you wish.’”
To learn more about Midori, to check out her art, and to buy her books, go to www.planetmidori.com. The next ForteFemme Women’s Dominance Intensive takes place July 7-9, and dates for the fall will be announced soon. To learn more or register, go to www.fortefemme.com.
Fourteen years ago, I fell for a woman who was into watching guy-on-guy oral sex. I indulged her fetish on multiple occasions at play parties and during pre-arranged hotel encounters with bisexual guys. While I only did this to please her, I enjoyed these MMF encounters because I got off on her getting off. At the time I thought maybe I was bisexual and had been in denial. But after we broke up, and after becoming more thoroughly educated on D/s dynamics, I’ve come to believe I am in fact not bi and instead straight. I can just be really subby for the right woman. Most people to whom I disclose my history insist that I’m not straight because of what I did for that one woman. I even encounter this in the kink community, where the D/s perspective should be better understood. My argument that I am straight and not bi is that I’ve never been romantically attracted to a man. I’ve never gone down on a man without a woman telling me to — and it’s not as if there aren’t any opportunities for me to do so, as I live on the north side of Chicago. (You might be familiar with this neighborhood?) All that being said, do you think I’m straight?
Sucker For Dom Women
How do furries happen? The kink just seems so random. And why are there so many furries now but no furries in ancient history?
Fathoming Unusual Roles
Cartoons. Disney. Mascots.
While not everyone who gets off on dressing up in fursuits and/or animal mascot costumes has the same origin story, FUR, many furries trace their kink to — many credit their kink to — the anthropomorphized animal characters they were exposed to in childhood. Now, most kids who watch Disney movies don’t grow up to be furries, just as most kids who take a swim class don’t grow up to have speedo fetishes or rubber swim cap fetishes. But a certain tiny percentage of all three groups do. Since we can’t predict which random environmental stimuli a kid might fixate on — and therefore can’t predict whose childhood fixations will become adult sexual obsessions — there’s no controlling for kinks. Some people are gonna be kinky when they grow up, no one’s kinks are consciously chosen, and if they seem random, it’s because they kindasorta are random.
As for the ancients…
Anthropomorphized animal characters didn’t come to dominate childhood (mass media, imaginations) until the 20th century — Disney was founded in 1923, Looney Tunes was founded in 1930 — but there were adults running around out there with marionette fetishes acquired at puppet shows before Mickey and Bugs took over. (There are still marionette fetishists out there.) As for the actual ancients, the Roman emperor Nero (37-68 AD) used to dress up in animal skins and pretend to be a wild boar at orgies — according to historians who may have been biased against him — and there are lots of examples of ancient people dressing up as animals for religious festivals and holidays; some of the festivals included sacred sexual rites, but some of them were just fuck fests because people are — and have always been — kinky freaks.
SAVAGE LOVE LIVE is THIS THURSDAY, June 29, at **2:00pm Pacific / 5:00pm Eastern**. I’ll be taking your questions LIVE from the Aspen Ideas Festival. Record your Qs below and I’ll see all my Magnum Subs then! Subscribe now to join in the fun.
Send your question for the column right here on Savage.Love.
Comments on Topside
Write to Dan!
Got a relationship problem? A burning sex question? A burning… sensation?
Dan’s been giving advice and been tapping the best sex researchers, educators, and scientists for more than three decades!