America’s longest-running sex-advice column!


Joe Newton

1. How much pineapple should I be eating?

Most commercial pineapple growers use a lot of pesticides and other agrochemicals in the production of this slow-growing fruit, which isn’t good for the environment or the health of agricultural workers. Furthermore, unless you live in South America, the pineapples you’re eating travelled thousands of miles to get to you, which means their carbon footprints are huge. So, you should be eating only organic pineapple, if you’re eating pineapple at all, and only as a special treat.

P.S. If this is about the taste of your cum — and pineapple questions are always about the taste of your cum — it doesn’t matter how many pineapples you eat, your cum will never taste like room temp vanilla froyo.

2. Is licking ripe armpits bad for my health? My boys and I like to sniff and lick each other’s pits after sweaty workouts....

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...oys and I like to sniff and lick each other’s pits after sweaty workouts. Can that bacteria in there do evil things? There’s a decent amount of bacteria in your boys’ armpits, but there’s way more bacteria in their mouths and yours — between six and 20 billion bacteria per mouth. Still, the 700+ species of bacteria found in your mouth and/or your boys’ armpits are mostly benign. The same can’t be said for the bacteria living all over the equipment at the gym where you work out. Wipe your gym equipment down before use! 3. I feel like a bit of an outlier in this, and maybe it’s just porn that makes me feel this way, but I won’t suck a dick after it’s been inside me. I also won’t take a dick if it’s just been in someone else. Am I a germophobe? Do you kiss boys on the mouth? Do you suck their dicks? Do you go to the gym? If the answer to any of those questions is “yes,” then you’re no germophobe. As for ATM (“ass to mouth”), you can ignore the messages porn is sending you: that shit definitely isn’t for everyone. 4. When should you reveal to a would-be partner that you’re not as thin as they think you might be? If you used to be thin, and their mental image of you is how you used to look, and they haven’t seen you lately, do you need to disclose that you are now, in fact, fat before anything happens? Or do you wait until they see you in person and let them see it for themselves? Well, it depends on what kind of rejection you’re more comfortable risking here — and to be clear, I’m not saying you will be rejected because you’re not as skinny as you used to be. And I’m certainly not suggesting you should be rejected for that reason. But if being rejected when you meet face-to-face  would be more painful than being rejected before that face-to-face meeting, you’re going to want to disclose that fact in advance. If you don’t say something prior to that meeting and/or send some current pics, you will be tense when you arrive; you’ll be so busy scrutinizing every look or statement for evidence that your size is a problem that you won’t be able to relax, enjoy yourself, and be yourself. 5. My boss is a pervert. How to fix him? Do you mean “fix” like you might “fix” a dog? Well, you can’t do that — not unless he wants to get fixed like a dog. (And there are men out there who want that, and there are doctors who’ll do it.) Or do you mean “fix” as in “help him heal”? You can’t do that either — that’s something he has to do for himself. 6. Pup play — are you into it? Pup play isn’t something I’m into — but if the right 28-year-old Australian twink pop star who just released a catchy new dance track wanted to be my pup, Amazon Prime would be on my porch with a new collar and leash before the end of day. 7. I haven’t had sex in 10 years. Should I start trying again? Are you sexless and content? Maybe not. Are you sexless and miserable? Maybe so. 8. How come sometimes there’s smegma under my foreskin and sometimes there isn’t? I clean my dick daily. Smegma is comprised of oils, sweat, and dead skin cells, and it can accumulate under the foreskin or in the folds of the labia — so it’s not just a dick thing. And while your body sheds hundreds of millions of skin cells every day, your body doesn’t sweat or produce oils at a constant rate. So, some days you have a noticeable buildup, some days you don’t. (But keep washing every day.) 9. Quick question: How do you tell the difference between a crush, an infatuation, a romantic/sexual obsession, and actual love? You fuck around and find out — eventually. 10. Is it “normal” for your boyfriend to want to be on Twitter sharing his naked self with the whole world? I told him I didn’t want people seeing his dick on OnlyFans and he got off. Then I asked him to stop showing his dick all over Twitter. He complied but he still won’t get off completely. I don’t understand the “why” of this. Why does he feel a need to post his ass? He says he doesn’t know why, he just likes doing it. Is he an exhibitionist? I can’t stand the idea of my boyfriend being ogled by thousands of men. Your boyfriend enjoys being ogled by thousands of men — kind of textbook exhibitionistic behavior there (that’s the “why” of this) — and you can’t stand the idea of your boyfriend being ogled. So, seeing as your boyfriend refuses to stop posting his ass where you (and thousands of others) can see it and is almost certainly posting his dick to alts where you can’t see it (but thousands of others can), I think he’s the wrong boyfriend for you. Don’t draw this out: you’re not sexually compatible, and you should break up. 11. During a fight my boyfriend said he didn’t want to be intimate with me. I got mad and said I didn’t care because I’ve had better cock than his. That isn’t true and I apologized and asked what I could do to make it up to him. His reply was to have a threesome, which made me feel like he was manipulating me. He’s been asking to have a threesome ever since we got together. What should I do? Don’t draw this out. 12. What are your thoughts on reusing sex toys from one relationship to the next? For instance, I have a strap on attachment that I love and that has only ever been inside my vagina. I just ended a relationship. Is it weird to sanitize it and use with my next partner or must I dispose of it? We don’t dispose of our genitals after a relationship ends — even though genitals can transmit sexual infections. A silicone dildo that’s been run through the dishwasher, by way of contrast, has never given anyone HPV or herpes or even cooties. We don’t throw out mattresses after a relationship ends, we don’t cut off fingers that were inside our exes (or cut out tongues), so I see no reason to dispose of a sex toy saw some action in a past relationship either. 13. I’m a woman married to a male presenting non-binary person. I explored my sexual feelings for women (with the full support of my spouse) and figured out that I am gay. I have a relationship with a woman now, and I’m still married to my male-presenting spouse. My spouse says that they can’t achieve orgasm at all anymore because I “destroyed their sexual self-confidence.” Is it my responsibility to make my spouse get off somehow? I feel a lot of guilt and get a lot of blame from them. I love my spouse, but I also love my girlfriend. I don’t know if I should choose a life of sexless marriage with someone I have history with or leave them for a person I’m attracted to and love but don’t have a long history with. If being with you — after everything that’s happened — means your spouse can’t achieve orgasm anymore, your spouse should want to leave you. If your spouse refuses to leave you under these circumstances and instead demands you get them off somehow and heaps guilt on you, they’re not really interested in being with you anymore. They’re interested in punishing you for as long as they can convince you to stay. It’s understandable they might want to punish — they have every right to be upset — but if you’re given a choice between a dysfunctional marriage with someone you’ll never be attracted to sexually and who’ll most likely stay mad about your new relationship with someone you are attracted to romantically and sexually (even if you end the new relationship), the choice seems pretty obvious. 14. Any tips for menopausal women who don’t feel like doing IT anymore? Outsource. 15. Why is it called the “taint”? Because “Alito” was taken. (Actually, I looked it up: the vulgar meaning of “taint” is a contraction of “it ain’t.” As in, “it ain’t the butthole, and it ain’t the dick or pussy.” Taint!) 16. What’s the most interesting thing you’ve licked? A doorknob, long ago, on a dark and stormy night in Iowa. 17. My boyfriend is into rope bondage. He’s a skilled “rigger” who ties up both men and women. At the start of our relationship, I convinced myself I was comfortable with this. It was only after I developed deeper feelings for him that I realized I wasn’t comfortable at all. My plan is to “wean” him from rigging, first by asking him to stop tying up women — for obvious reasons of jealousy (I am a straight woman, he is a straight man) — but I am going to demand he stop tying up men as well. We’ve discussed marriage and I am afraid he will propose before I can “walk back” my permission for him to engage in these activities. Help! I’m fresh out of help today — at least for manipulative liars. So, no help for you. In fact, the only thing I’ve got for you is a family-sized box of go fuck yourself. Seriously. You were never comfortable with your boyfriend tying up other people. You lied to him at the start of this relationship because he wouldn’t have dated you for five seconds if you’d been honest with him from the start and you knew it. But now that you have serious emotional leverage, i.e., now that he has feelings for you, you’re gonna go Jonah Hill on him and demand he stop doing something he loves, something he was open about with you from the start, something that gives him a sense of accomplishment and community. Since you’re probably too selfish to take my advice and break up with your boyfriend (and you should; he deserves better), here’s hoping your boyfriend sees this column, recognizes himself, and walks away before you can walk it back. Got a problem? Everyone does! Submit your written question for “Savage Love” now! Or…

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