Does your standard advice about sexless marriages extend to orally sexless marriages? My wife and I have been together for a couple decades. We met in our late teens, and we are each other’s first and only sexual partners. Oral sex used to be a regular part of our sex life, for the first decade or so, but the BJ frequency has declined to once every couple of years. I’m still game to give and always offer and often go down on my wife as foreplay. But my wife is basically no longer interested in blowing me, even though she’s great at it and I love it. We have a really strong relationship but busy lives with kids and jobs, which definitely impacts her sex drive and energy. It’s not a relationship ending thing for me, but the thought of not getting my dick sucked more than...
Want to read the rest? Subscribe now to get every question, every week, the complete Savage Love archives, special events, and much more!
...ing my dick sucked more than a few more times for the rest of my life, well, that fucking sucks to think about. I’ve raised it with her a number of times, but she just doesn’t think it’s important and, most frustratingly, plainly isn’t interested in trying to get interested again. We’re committed to monogamy, and outside sexual partners just wouldn’t fit in our lives. I’ve got to imagine this is pretty common. Do I just have to resign myself to a fellatio-deprived future? Or should I expect more?
The Headless Husband
You can expect more from the woman you married — you can expect all the blowjobs you want — and that might be a reasonable expectation on your part, THH, considering that blowjobs were once a regular part of your marital sex life. But the woman you’re married to now doesn’t wanna suck your dick anymore and/or doesn’t wanna suck your dick any more than biannually.
So, what can you do?
Well, you can do what you’re supposed to do. You can communicate your wants and needs to your wife without pressuring her to do anything she doesn’t wanna do. In other words, THH, you’re supposed to soft beg your wife for oral sex without being pathetic (no one wants to suck pathetic cock) and without being coercive (no one wants to suck cock under duress, no one should want their cock sucked under duress). But you’ve already done what you’re supposed to do — you’ve raised the subject a number of times — and she’s already given you her answer: she’s not that interested in sucking your dick and she’s not interested in getting more interested. And since your wife isn’t a Magic Eight Ball, THH, you can’t turn her over, give her a shake, and get a different answer.
You also have the option of doing what you’re not supposed to do… and I don’t have to tell you what that is. You open by asking if my “standard advice” to people in marriages that are happy-but-sexless and/or inescapable-but-sexless — do what you need to do to stay married and stay sane — applies in cases of orally sexlessness marriages. But you close by emphasizing your commitment to monogamy, adding that outside sexual contact a bad fit. So, it really doesn’t matter if my “standard advice” for people in sexless marriages applies in a case like yours… which, for the record, it doesn’t, since your marriage isn’t sexless. (Suckless ≠ sexless.)
As much as I hate to be the bearer of bad news… based on years of listening to straight married men complain about not getting their dicks sucked and straight married women complain about being expected to suck dick… it’s highly likely those blowjobs will come further and further apart, THH, and the enthusiasm with which they’re performed will diminish along with their frequency until they stop coming altogether.
As for how common this is…
It’s so common I honestly think it may not be realistic for straight men to expect frequent and/or enthusiastic oral sex two decades into a marriage — particularly if we’re talking about blowjobs to completion and not a little oral-as-foreplay. (Which is all the oral your wife gets, right?) Just as the desire for extended make-out sessions seems to fade the longer we’re with someone, the urge to inhale someone’s dick — the desire to do the hard work of getting a guy off with your mouth — seems to fade with time, too. While we can look at that drop and conclude there’s something wrong with our spouses… or something wrong with our marriages… it might be better if we accepted that enthusiastic blowjobs, like those long make-out sessions, come with NRE and fade away along with NRE.
Something else to consider: the longer you’re together, the older you get, and the older you get, the longer it takes to get you off. There’s a huge difference between a 10-minute blowjob and 30-minute blowjob — mostly for the giver. The experience of pleasure is roughly the same for the receiver, but the effort required to suck the average man off in his 40s is exponentially greater than the effort required to suck the average man off in his 20s. A man might not realize it’s taking him a lot longer to come from oral as he ages, but the person blowing him is painfully aware of that fact — and may be understandably hesitant to initiate blowjobs “to completion” when “completion” takes three times as long as it did two decades ago.
Another thing to consider: If you only go down on your wife as foreplay before pivoting to PIV… you’re probably getting off each time you have sex. Most women can’t come from PIV alone, THH, and if your wife isn’t getting off as often as she would like (and not everyone needs or wants to get off every time), she may resent you for ignoring her needs… and not feel particularly motivated to meet what seems to her like an extra-credit need of yours, one that requires above-and-beyond effort from her.
Anyway, THH, the right thing to do is to soft beg your wife for more frequent oral — and you’re likelier to get oral more frequently if you’re as willing to accept oral-as-foreplay as she seems to be and if you’re making sure sex is as pleasurable for her as it is for you. And when you do want a blowjob to completion, you’re likelier to get one those in your 40s if you’re willing to help get yourself there, i.e., if you’re willing to work in a little self-stroking to give her breaks and help get yourself closer to completion.
And just so we’re clear: again, my standard advice for sexless marriages doesn’t apply in cases like yours, THH, as your marriage isn’t sexless, just suckless.
Dear Readers: I asked the married straight women who follow me on Twitter and Threads why they weren’t sucking their husbands’ dicks anymore. Obvious answers poured in — oral wasn’t reciprocated, poor personal hygiene, no longer in love, guilty admissions that sucking dick was always a strategy and never a pleasure — so I rephrased the question and asked again. I wanted to hear from women who 1. still loved their husbands and 2. used to love sucking cock and 3. no longer sucked cock. What happened? What changed? Here are a few of their letters…
My husband and I have been together for 12 years. We have a loving relationship and I’m not looking to go anywhere but have to admit that I would be a bit more excited to suck some new-to-me dick. I’d also wager there’s some fucked up purity culture fallout involved — I was raised in the church and tend to fantasize about the forbidden, and there’s nothing forbidden about sex with your husband.
Blowjobs are fantastic. I love giving them — but at this point, I’d rather give a stranger a blowjob than my husband. I don’t think there is any issue with the act, but with all the cultural bullshit women are exhausted by — blowjobs are something men feel entitled to, yet another act of service women are expected to perform. In reality, a married woman’s entire day is an act of service. I do all of the emotional labor and take on the entire mental load of running a family and household, all while also having a full-time job. I miss giving blow jobs for fun.
My husband got a blowjob on a work trip. He doesn’t know I found out, and I don’t plan to tell him because I don’t feel betrayed. I feel relieved. But I think he would be upset to learn that I’m not upset. I love him (very much!) and I want him to be happy (and I make him happy in lots of ways!), but I don’t want his penis in my face ever again. Knowing he got a blowjob and could get another sometime makes me feel less guilty. But since I want this to be a very rare thing, I think it’s better he doesn’t know that I know and certainly not that I approve. We still have good and frequent PIV and use toys. Still fantasize about performing oral sex on a man, but it’s never my husband in my fantasies.
I love my husband. We’ve been married for a decade, we have two children, and I actually think we are having the best sex of our married lives now. We’ve actually been getting kinkier and more adventurous as we get older. That said, I do not like giving head anymore, not at all. And I know I’m not alone, since many of my married girlfriends have told me they feel the same way. It’s hard to find an angle that doesn’t pinch my neck or hurt my knees, and it’s not fun to be reminded that your body has gotten older and creakier in the middle of sex. And since it’s not very fun for me, I don’t think it’s fun for my husband. Maybe head is just a young person’s game.
My relationship to the almighty BJ has changed. The hubs and I have been married for fifteen years in October. I’m in my late 30s and he’s in his early 40s, and we have four awesome kids. To be honest, I used to enjoy giving head and was pretty good at it. But since giving up alcohol a little over a year ago, I’m less inclined to jump to a BJ. It took me a while to connect the dots, but I realized that alcohol gets me horny and eager and without it I’m a little less motivated. I still do it, but more as a sidebar/treat now, and rarely to completion.
Gay man here with an observation to share. My husband sucked my cock like a madman when we first met. We’ve been together for 12 years now and he doesn’t suck my cock like that anymore — but I’ve watched him suck the cocks of other men like he used to suck mine. I think a desire to show someone how much you want them inspires a person to suck cock like that. Once you’ve got someone, you’re not as inspired. My advice to straight couples: Want to see your wife suck cock like she used to? Watch her suck someone else’s. Want your cock sucked like that? Get someone else to suck it.
Dan wants to hear from you! He asked the Tech-Savvy At-Risk Youth to put together a short survey for Savage Love readers and Lovecast listeners to learn more about what you like and what can be improved. Click here, and let Dan know what you think.
Got a problem? Everyone does! Submit your written question for “Savage Love” now! Or…
Comments on Blow Over
Write to Dan!
Got a relationship problem? A burning sex question? A burning… sensation?
Dan’s been giving advice and been tapping the best sex researchers, educators, and scientists for more than three decades!