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Joe Newton

1. I’m a fisting top and I always ask my bottoms to make sure they’re cleaned out. What is the proper etiquette when brown liquid explodes out of a bottom, covering me, the bed, the walls, and the floor?

Get out of bed, shower off, get dressed, put the bottom in an Uber, exit the apartment, lock the door behind you, go to the airport, fly to a new city, don’t leave a forwarding address.

2. My BF of 10 years is 53. I’m 43. Things have cooled off in the bedroom as he has age-related issues like indigestion, back pain, and headaches — all the usual age stuff. How do we spice it back up? How do I get him back into his kinky gear for some kinky fun? He was kinkier when he was younger, so I know it’s in him. Any tips?

Instead of trying to get him back into the exact same...

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...er, so I know it’s in him. Any tips? Instead of trying to get him back into the exact same kinky stuff he enjoyed doing a decade ago — and felt physically capable of doing a decade ago — work on identifying new kinky stuff that vibes with the kinks he used to enjoy but that aren’t as physically taxing. For instance, you could substitute simpler easy-in/easy-out bondage for long, elaborate bondage sessions or you could ask him to watch while you do whatever he orders you to with your favorite insertion toys. (I’m guessing at your kinks here — but you get the idea.) 3. My university-aged cisgendered heterosexual daughter now identifies as asexual. Which is all good. But what does that mean? Not getting any? Doesn’t want any? I don’t want to bother her about it if she isn’t into chatting about it but I would like to know what’s going on. Some asexuals aren’t getting any and don’t want any. Some asexuals get some but don’t want much. Some asexuals get lots and want more. Asexuality, like so much else, is a vast and broad spectrum. You can learn about all the different points (and all the different pride flags) along that vast and broad spectrum at the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network. But only your daughter knows where she falls along the spectrum — at least for now — and if you can’t talk to her about it, well, then you’ll never know where she falls and exactly what she means. 4. I’m a 40-something straight male who only gets off to gangbang porn. It has to be focused on female pleasure; I don’t enjoy anything violent or rough. I’ve never even had a threesome, and honestly when it’s over — right after I come — I’m not into the idea anymore. What’s going on? Don’t mistake post-nut indifference for post-nut clarity — meaning, your sudden disinterest in gangbang porn after you come isn’t a sign that there’s something wrong with you or with the gangbang porn (provided, of course, that it’s ethically produced gangbang porn, which does exist). Like all men, you’re less “into the idea” of whatever turns you on right after you come. Losing interest as you crash into your refractory period doesn’t mean your kinks are shameful — it means you have a little time to think about something else. 5. Why has caging become so popular in gay porn? Interestingly, cock cages — male chastity devices — were being used by straight men in cuckold relationships long before gay men embraced them, making cock cages one of the rare kinks that jumped from straight kinksters to gay ones. That usually works the other way around, i.e., gay men beta test some new perversion and straight people pretend to be revolted for a minute before coopting the kink. Anyway, I think cages are popular in gay porn because popular gay porn stars like Caged Jock and Devin Franco popularized them. 6. Is it safe to sleep with a cock chastity cage on? Dr. Stephen King, a urologist, urged my readers not to wear a male chastity devices overnight: “My primary concern is long-term health and preservation of erectile function ‘down the road,’ so I tend to err on the cautious side,” King told me back in 2013, “so, I’d caution against any long-term or continuous use of such a device, anything more than four to six hours, if it places any significant compression on the tissue directly.” For more on cock cage safety, check out this 2015 column featuring an interview with Christopher Miers, the founder of Steelwerks, purveyors of the world’s finest male chastity devices. 7. Isn’t sex only sex when there’s an erection and penetration involved? If sex is only sex when an erection and penetration is involved, then mutual masturbation isn’t sex. fingering isn’t sex, scissoring isn’t sex, cunnilingus isn’t sex, pegging isn’t sex, eating ass isn’t sex, two bottoms jamming on a double-ended dildo while their cocks are caged isn’t sex. And if you walked in on your wife scissoring with one woman while another woman ate her ass and yet another woman pegged the woman eating your wife’s ass… and two gay bottom boys in cock cages jammed on a double-ended dildo on the other side of the room… you wouldn’t think, “She’s not cheating — no erections, no penetration, nothing to see here!” 8. My ex was very small, but my new guy is hung like a horse. He’s almost too big! Can one adjust? One can, one must, one will — but will you be that one? 9. I’m with just one person and they’re currently only sleeping with me. We’ve both agreed to tell each other if that changed. Does that mean anything about the relationship? Is this at all significant? Is it just about safety? This clearly means something to you — but only time will tell whether it means something to the other person involved. 10. How do you know if you’re making the right decision when it comes to breaking up with a significant other?  You don’t. 11. Can you test positive for weed after eating pussy while the receiver is high? People have tested positive for weed and other substances after drinking the urine of someone who was high — but vaginal secretions aren’t urine, i.e., a woman’s body doesn’t eliminate waste through vaginal secretions. So, I think it’s unlikely a sober person would test positive after eating the pussy of a woman who was high — but that’s a semi-informed guess, not a guarantee. 12. No-longer-used sex toys. What to do with them? Landfill? I had a friend who used to wash her old sex toys, place them in an Easter basket with a bow on it, and then leave the basket on a busy corner in the nightlife district with a note that said, “Gently used, lovingly cleaned and sterilized, and looking for a good home.” Most probably wound up in landfills, but one or two may have been saved. 13. Why are you such a fag? Ours is not to reason why, ours is butt to screw and sigh. 14. Is it safe to have anal sex right after a colonoscopy? I mean, my ass will never be cleaner. So long as you didn’t have any polyps snipped out, you’re good to go. 15. Many vers gay men speak disparagingly about guys who only enjoy one role — meaning, gay guys who only top or only bottom. Thoughts? With most gay men identifying as either tops or bottoms these days — and with some gay men making which role they enjoy during anal their entire personality (at least on social media) — it’s understandable that some vers guys might be annoyed by a tribalism that excludes them. It would be great if annoyed vers guys could assert themselves without disparaging guys who enjoy one role or the other, of course, which is just as legit as being vers. But the longer you’re told you have to pick a team, the more annoyed you get; the more annoyed you get, the likelier you are to speak disparagingly of the people pressuring you to pick a team. (Just ask a bisexual.) 16. How can I, a 41-year-old woman, tell my wonderful new Dom, a 39-year-old man, that I need to be warmed up before impact play and that I prefer more consistent rhythmic strokes to get into sub space? Any resources? The resource you need can be found under your nose and above your chin: open your mouth, use your words. If you can’t bring yourself to talk about your limits, boundaries, needs, and how certain kinds of play work best for you, you’re not ready for a D/s relationship. If this man has convinced you  “real’ subs aren’t allowed to have limits or boundaries or preferences — and a slow build during impact play is a perfectly legitimate preference — then at best he’s a bad Dom, at worst he’s an abusive Dom. 17. My boyfriend and I recently opened our relationship. He prefers random encounters while I prefer deeper connections. How do we make that work and avoid open relationship pitfalls? He could have random encounters while you pursue deeper connections. But if he wants things kept strictly casual with outside partners and casual/anon sex doesn’t work for you, you might have to close the relationship until you can get on the same page. 18. My nesting partner is demi and reciprosexual and had some SA trauma in his past, whereas I am mega and have a very high drive. I’d like to initiate more since he’ll likely reciprocate my advances, and only having sex with him once a week is pretty rough for me. However, I have severe RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) and am terrified of triggering him and being rejected. We’ve talked it out and he gave me his ongoing consent to make moves on him, but I’m still scared. Any suggestions? First, take “yes” for an answer: you have your nesting partner’s okay/yes to ask for sex, ask all you want. And then — second step — constantly remind yourself that he’s not rejecting you when he passes on sex, he’s only passing on sex at this time. In a sense, you never get a “no” from your partner. Sometimes his answer is “yes,” and sometimes his answer is “ask me later,” but the answer is never “no.” Don’t think of it as rejection, think of it as delayed gratification. 19. I ghosted someone after a few dates and feel shitty about it. I know better and want to reach out to apologize. It’s been about three months. Do you recommend I apologize, or just bury the guilt and never do it again? Apologize — but don’t let the guilt go. Well, not all of it. Hold on to just enough guilt that you’re motivated to send a gracious thanks-but-no-thanks text the next time you’re tempted to ghost on someone, if only to avoid feeling as shitty  as you do right now. 20. I’m 50, poly, and live in the Midwest. My married boyfriend of 11 years has a second girlfriend who has cancer, but who also hates me — honestly, without good reason. She’s going on a cruise over Christmas and New Years with everyone in my polycule, excluding me. Any advice for managing my hurt feelings and jealousy would be appreciated. Think about all the COVID variants you won’t be catching on that cruise ship — and all the COVID variants this woman who hates you is going to be exposed to on this cruise. Oh, and if your entire polycule is abandoning you over the holidays, you might also wanna think about finding or forming a new polycule. Got a problem? Everyone does! Submit your written question for “Savage Love” now! Or…

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